Dr. Suess

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Video .. Just Showed Up for My own Life

By Sara Groves and Joel Hanson Back to Album
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Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Self Hatred and refomatting the brain

You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're not liked.
You're immature.
You're a crybaby.
You're lazy.
You're in the way.
You're worthless.
You're boring.
You're a failure.

These are things that come to mind when I look in the mirror or think about myself.

They have permeated my life and the way I interact with the world.

They make me keep people at arms distance ... the fear that if they knew who I really was (which is the list above) then they would not only not like me, but be disgusted by me.

In the last several years I've been on a journey to change the way I live on this planet.
Somewhere on this journey I became aware of the fact that my filter that I see myself through is skewed.

While I'd never pretend that everyone loves me (I can list several who barely tolerate me off the top of my head and a few who outright dislike me) by and large, I have a lot of friends. I have people who tell me they respect me and love me.

I realized at some point that maybe rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to take a look through the filters that others see me.

I worked at that for a long time with some success, but limited.

Recently, I've taken to reformatting my brain ...through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and education.

This has caused me to exam my thoughts and compare them to the facts.
Some of these thoughts, I can't quite get around ... but some ...some I can truly defend to my innerself as being invalid.

You're stupid: You were in California's MGM program (mentally gifted minors ..is that not the most pretentious name for a program EVER?) You graduated with a high GPA. You interact with relative ease with those who society sees as intellectuals. You have gone back to school and maintained a 4.0 in credited classes.

You're not liked: You have too many friends for this to be true.
You're a crybaby: You can't even name the last time you truly cried.
You're lazy.You have worked with church ministries, you have raised 2 challenging children, been married for 23 years while combatting chronic illness, pain, a frustrating educational system. You are going to school full time and doing quite well.
You're worthless. You have friends who value you, who respect you. You have children who respect you and value your presence in their lives.

You're a failure. Your GPA is a 4.0 upon returning to school. You returned with a 2.1 GPA and have, through your 4.0 brought the cumulative GPA to 5.431. You are a member of Phi Theta Kappa, an officer in the regional alumni association. You are on track for being a member of Psi Chi. You have done all this inspite of MG, inspite of lupus, inspite of having family responsibilities.

In looking at those, it becomes glaringly clear ... self hatred has no true role in my life except to hold me down
keep me back
prevent me from living a full
delighted life.

re forming the way I think and looking at truths rather than thoughts is going to be necessary to combat the self hatred I've lived with for so long.

Monday, March 07, 2011

If Only In My Dreams

I was asked today if I was able to have my dream job as a psychologist,what would it look like.

In 1972 two mothers, armed only with a dream and a passion and a raised $3000 opened school for their special needs children. The Little Light House was born out of a desperate need to fill a void that was dark and deep.

We had the privilege of being associated with the program while Benjamin was in kindergarten. That year remains in my heart as an oasis in a very dry, arid and frightenly vicious desert. Benjamin had a loving teacher, physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy. For 1 very blessed school year, we got to take our son to school and did not have to cart him back and forth to 3 differnt types of therapy ... PT once a week, speech twice a week and OT three times a week .. from the age of 9 months till 11 years old ... except the year he spent at The Little Light House. We got a desperately needed break.

Not only that, but we, as parents were loved and encouraged.

If I were to dare to dream ... this is what my dream job as a psychologist would look like. The desire, the dream, the drive coming from much the same place as the founders of The Little Light House.

If I had my dream job:

I would have a place that housed
Physical Therapists
Occupational Therapists
Speech Therapists
Pediatric developmental specialist
Pediatric neuro
Pediatric psychiatrist
Pediatric Gastroenterologist
Pediatric orthopedist
Pediatric pulmonologist
Pediatric endocrinologist
Pediatric rheumatologist
Developmental Psychologists
Child Psychologists
Child Life Specialist

I would like there to be a small 'drop off'style day care where parents could drop the siblings of their child that is there to be seen, so they didn't have to bring them along to the appointment as an added distraction, hire a baby sitter or enlist family to help.
They would come in as a family, be serviced as a family and supported as a family.

A place where if an evaluation was done and it was decided that the child needed a certain specialist, they would be there, in that building, an appointment could be made.

You might be saying right now "That sounds like many children's hospitals all over america ... yes, probably so, but with one major difference: The family dynamic would be the focus.

The child's developmental needs taken into consideration, referrals would be primarily in house, saving on time, paperwork, lost communication and stress.

Therapies could be coordinated, treatments would be coordinated and the parents would be fully supported.

The child would get the developmental, physical and behavioral support needed. The focus would be on 'no ceiling' for the child, reach for the stars ...

The parents would be given the kindness, and support that is so often missing in the desert that is special needs. They would be given the tools they needed to feel like a competent parent. They'd be given time to enjoy their child .. to truly enjoy and laugh with their child.

If there was a school battle,we'd be able to help them. They'd be given the chance to form a stronger family unit. They'd be shown and told what they are doing RIGHT instead of the constant "you need to do this"

A fully integrated Clinic, prepared to fully deal with the dynamic that the child's special needs bring.

I am not a ground breaker, the chances are I will wind up at our already established Children's Hospital, I will work within an already functioning system ..

but ... if I had my dream job ... it would be one that helped the child reach for the stars and we'd celebrate with the whole family when the child does lasso their star!