Right and Wrong

There are many times I hear the statment "No matter how flat a pancake, there are 2 sides of a story"

I cannot tell you how tired I am of hearing that. There are times when ..no matter how flat the pancake, there is a right and there is a wrong.

Abuse is wrong ...the other side of the pancake is to treat the person with respect, kindness and dignity. There is no in between, there is a right and a wrong.

Murder is wrong ... life is right.

Robbery is wrong ...respecting other's property is right.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

In the last 2 years I've come to the realization that giving excuses to someone for bad behavior keeps me stuck. I try to justify that other side of the pancake. To give the person the benifit of the doubt. I've given so much benifit of the doubt, that I learned to doubt myself.

I watched a friend go through a divorce while her child went through brain cancer and she was pregnant. I watched the father use the little girl with cancer as a pawn in custody case. I watched him taunt my friend by claiming the baby was not his. (it was, there was no doubt). I watched him bring his girlfriend to the funeral of this precious little girl. The divorce, wasn't final yet.

I watched all this and became totally frustrated for my friend. It's still going on, he's using the baby now to inflict pain on my friend.

In my nieces case, my sister called me, furious ..no FURIOUS that I'd not gotten 'the other side of the story' before I offered my niece a place to live. First, my niece was 22 years old, an adult. If she wanted to move out of her house and out on her own, I don't need another side of the story, my home is open ...to her and to her adult siblings. Second, I knew the other side of the story, I got it when my sister called me the day before I offered my home and asked me to "pray for R that she would come back under our umbrella of authority, stop rebelling and regain her salvation"

Um , my understanding of the Bible is that salvation comes through Christ, not through parents. I also do not believe that adult children are under any real authority of their parents. Respect, yes, honor yes, obedience??? They're adults, and they are accountable to God.

My nieces rebellion: holding hands with her boyfriend. Seriously. Her Godly, wonderful boyfriend. But they were committing 'sin as to witchcraft' (yes, exact quote). The affection between this young man and young woman was compared to the sexual sins in Roman's 1. My sister said "if you think that's ok, then you need to re read Roman's 1"

Um ... depravity, sacrificing sexual deviancy to idols, debauchery ... that's all in Romans 1, but affection between a young man and a young woman??? That's not in Romans 1.

I saw both sides, a right and a wrong. It's wrong to use the Bible as a weapon, it's incredibly wrong to use the Bible as a weapon against your own child.

In my own case, there was so much with my parents that I gave them the benifit of the doubt. "but they were busy" "they didn't see the forrest for the trees" I'd given them a dozen or more excuses over the years ... the reality is ...

there is a right way to treat a child ...and a wrong way.

Every parent makes mistakes. I've made more than I can even imagine. But, I did my best.

When you're so busy giving to someone else's children your best, that you don't even see your own child's issues ... that's wrong.

I have lost count of the issues that have come up in my adult life and had my mom or my dad say "well, we just didnt' see it"

They saw it in my sister, they saw it in my brother ..and got help for them. But for me ... they didn't see it.

There is a right and a wrong in lying about your life experiences as well ...and that lie ... that simple lie about my existance ..is at the very root of all the overlooking that happened to me.

I found out in March that my father is not my father.

It'd been the family rumor for years, but ... my mom?

The realization is ... she could not admit to her own wrong doing. Being married to a Baptist minister and getting pregnant by someone else was not acceptable behavior. So, deny it. Deny that it's anything but the Baptist minister.

For years, I thought he was just a jerk for walking out on her the day she told him she was pregnant. Now, I understand. Doesn't make it right that the secret was kept.

She still won't admit it, even with the evidence out there. I recently had to do a project for developmental psychology which included genetics of a family. It got me thinking ...blood type ... I was trying to make the father have a certain blood type ... but the family was different. It wouldn't work ...the scenerio I was trying.

So ... what blood type does my dad have. Sure enough ... he doesn't have a blood type that will match with mine.

Wasn't it possible in 1964 to type blood? If he did not think I was his, shouldn't he have just proved it wasn't true ... instead of keeping me in the middle of their war for 43 years.

The reality is ...he wasn't going to be allowed to see my sister if he proved the paternity of me. So, he tolerated having me around.

My problem with that is ...if you're going to accept the parentage, there is responsibility that comes with that. Adoption all the time gives children love they'd never get otherwise. .. it is possible to parent and love a child who is not yours.

The fact that he rejected me from the beginning and has made that rejection abundently clear over the 43, almost 44 years of my life ... this war was with my mother, not with me. I should have been left out of it.

I was a reminder to him of the betrayal....

To mom ... I was a reminder of her betrayal ...

and so ...they both did anything but to really LOOK at me.

No wonder I always felt like the odd man out of my family. I was.

There is more, but that will do for this post.

Right and wrong ... sometimes there just is no other side of the pancake. To flip it, means you've got the wrong side up.

thoughts

So much has gone on, and because of family situation I've just not wanted to post. Never knowing what is going to be used against me in a senseless arguments. Things that never should be used, have been used, so I just waited till I went private.

One of the things that has happened this last few weeks was an IEP meeting for Benjamin. They wanted to reclassify him from Learning Disabled to Other Health Impaired. By going to OHI it allows for different modifications through the schools. Technically, Benjamin should have been OHI from the time he was 3 years old. We tried to get him classified as OHI in the old district, but, they were not about to do anything we asked ...so they were insistant that he did not qualify under OHI.

Benjamin was up for re testing this year. The district asked permission to reclassify.
Um ..uh ... YEAH! Please!
Just a bit shocking to find them offering to re classify rather than fighting for it.

So he got reclassified ..finally. He's 16 .. it's only been 13 years since we first asked for OHI ...no biggie. (rolling eyes). I find it amazing that this new district not only did not have a problem, but had teacher's who said "um, he's classified wrong!" (usually it's school psychologist that decides classification) Not just teacher ...but regular education teachers.
How obvious was this?

What was hard, so very hard was when they retested him, I realized I'd let myself fall under a false belief from the old district. I knew that they did testing that was not reliable. I knew that we'd never trusted their IQ evaluations. I KNEW that all of their testing had NEVER added up to the testing that we'd had done outside of district.

I KNEW that IQ scores are static and do not change over time.

I knew this ...and yet, when the fight settled down, and Benjamin started to see success, I let guard down and started to let their talk in.

EVERY outside testing that we had on Benjamin had him struggling significantly. It had his IQ ranging between 78 and 84. Without fail, his IQ, no matter who did the testing ... is IQ was in that 6 pt range. Now, we fought with the district, going to due process twice, and we applied for help with services through social security and through the state. This means, Benjamin had a fair amount of 'outside of district' testing. 7 or 8 separate IQ testings between the ages of 5 and 8.

Well, the last time the district that we had so much trouble with tested him, they told me that his IQ was 108.

Now, facts are .. IQ's are static. They don't change that much over time. Acheivement is not IQ.

The fact was ... I wanted to believe that life was going to be easier for Benjamin ...and I let myself get sucked into their test scores. There was no reason for me to buy into their scores except my mother's heart ...

They had a reason for not giving accurate testing (they'd done it all along ...their lowest evaluation of his IQ was 100. They'd say that his IQ is fine, he's fine, he's just not trying, no reason for special education services).

So, the battle between other district and I settle down and I let myself get sucked into the higher scores ...and then new district tests my son who is .. STRUGGLING.

What I want to be told is that it's him. That if he applies himself a bit more that we can get him doing better. what I want to be told is that there is no reason whatsoever for his struggles ...what I WANT to believe is what the former district had coddled me into believing ...

The psychologist pulls out the testing and hands me a copy and my face went numb. There was the IQ ... I'd seen it before ...and it matched ... it matched all the previous testing that WE'D had done.
Right there in front of me, 82.
The real reason Benjamin struggles ...things are harder for him than for other children. Things will always BE harder for him than for other children. It's not just a learning disability (although he, by definition hit that too because he had area's that were more than 20 pts below the IQ) it's a real problem ...and one that won't get better over time.

IQ's are static ...

Acheivement is not static.
Benjamin is not static.

Through out the rest of the meeting the poem I wrote became my mantra ... it had to or I'd not have made it ...

But they don't see what I see ...the smile that lights your face ...

"He's got significant delays in comprehension in auditory..."

But they don't hear what I hear ... your laughter reveals God's grace ...

"He needs more help in this area than we thought."

They tell me that your tests came back showing problems and low scores ...

"I think we need to increase the modifications, I know that by this age we're normally decreasing modifications, but his problems are big enough that we need to be increase them"

They tell me that you'll have to struggle, this hurts me to the core.

"no matter what we do, it won't be easy for him"

I wanted to cry but could not. My son was sitting next to me. They told him that he was struggling for a reason (he needed to hear this!) but that with his determination that it would not stop him.

That is true ..the sky is the limit for this child ... no matter what the IQ says.

A Mother's Heart
Every mother had Dreams,
Of a Child perfect and whole.
Every mother has Hopes,
For perfection, body and soul.

They told me you’re not perfect,
Sweet loving child of mine.
They told me that your learning,
Is taking too much time.

They tell me that your tests came back,
Showing problems and low scores.
They tell me that you have to struggle,
This hurts me to the core.

Every mother has dreams,
They tell me you don’t fit.
Every mother has hopes,
They say perfection you won’t hit.

But they don’t see what I see,
The smile that lights your face.
But they don’t hear what I hear,
Your laughter reveals God’s grace.

They don’t see what I see,
My child loving and whole.
I have hopes and dreams,
Because my child you are a gift from God
And you have a PERFECT SOUL.
© Peggikaye Eagler

Gone Private

Well, I changed to private. Thank you for those who emailed me with their addresses to ask to come along. I went ahead and sent some invites to others that I had addresses for who I know read here occassionally.

I know there has been speculation about why I'm going private and some concerns. It really wasn't that big of a deal ...except on a personal level. Family issues have made it necessary. I was censoring everything I wrote out of concern over who was reading my blog (from my family) and how they were A) interpreting the information and B) how they'd use that information.

When family fueds begin ... nothing is sacred, so it seems. Respect goes out the window. I'd have to admit the lack of respect goes both ways, I've lost all respect for those I'm no longer on speaking terms with, and I seriously doubt that it will ever be reconcilled, but ... it must be that way for me to be the healthiest person I can be.
I would never be able to look myself in the eye if I did not stand up for right when such blatant battle of right and wrong was at stake.

I may blog more in detail about this, if I need some catharcis, I may stay to myself on it, just depends on what the writer in me needs to do. I will answer questions though as I realize this is a bit cryptic.

Decision

Thanks all for comments all: email and blog comments, twitter and facebook ...

At some point in the next week ... probably after my round of testing on Wednesday and Thursday (developmental psych on Wednesday and Algebra on Thursday) I will go private.

After that point, then regular blogging, hopefully will return to normal.

If you don't recieve an invite and want one my email is Pearlsofaneagle@aol.com and on facebook I'm simply Peggikaye Eagler

Contemplating...

I'm trying to decide ... if I want to keep this blog open and just post to it occassionally ... and start a new one totally completely anonymous (which as a writer, I don't like not being able to keep my name attached to my writings, as soon as I let them public, my anonymous blog becomes public ...) or if I want to restrict access to this to people that I approve.

I will be fairly liberal with who I approve ... the down side ... a restricted blog means no more writing for Grand Rounds ... no more 'meeting' new people through the blogsphere by them stumbling across my blog ... the first name that comes to mind is Cathy, Pat (my big blog sis ) Alyson, Erin ... just to name a few ...

But ... I'm so restricted by what I can say at this juncture in my life because my blog is public.
Even things happening with school I don't feel comfortable with blogging about with knowing that certain family having access (sissy in law, that ain't you)

I'm going to take a week to decide. Either way ... those who wish to know what's happening will probably need to let me know either here in my comments or email me at Pearlsofaneagle@aol.com ..if I go private you'll need an invite.

Still thinking ... I just don't want to loose my blogging interest because my muse feels restricted.