I have plans today.
I'm going to sweep and mop,
I'm going to put things away.
I have plans for tomorrow
The play I've been dying to see is playing
I'll shop for a dress or maybe I'll borrow.
I have plans for next week,
There is a parade down mainstreet,
That is ... if i don't get too weak.
I'd planned on cleaning,
but my arms were too tired,
My legs made sure on the wall I was leaning.
I'd planned to go and see a play,
But my eyes went double and eyelids droop,
So once again, home in bed I will stay.
This Myasthenic Monster crops up unwanted,
When chores or fun or adventure comes,
Whatever it says, I refuse to be daunted!
When Myasthenia roars, I will roar back,
I will push forward, and rest if need be,
Rest, regroup, till the muscles don't lack.
Disappointment has come once to often,
But I know that I'm stronger than the disease,
No matter the goal, my resolve won't soften.
I sometimes have to say no,for sure,
But as often as no, I will stand and succeed,
Push forward and back, but I will endure!
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Amy Grant - Better Than A Hallelujah (Slideshow With Lyrics)
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus
Friday, May 07, 2010
JUNIOR
The spring semester of 2010 is under my belt.
I took Intermediate Algebra
Adult Psychology
Child Psychology
and Women's Studies.
The intermediate algebra, like beginning algebra, took the wind out of me. My professor reminded me that most students in the class have A) had algebra before B) they haven't been out of school as long (although most out at least 5 years) and therefore for them, it's a review. I never took Algebra at all, so for me, this is new information. AND it's been so many years since I had pre algebra (almost 33 years now) and most people take it in high school and have a full year to take what I took in 1 semester .. and adding to that, I managed to accidently get into an 8 week class ...so I had 36 weeks worth of information jammed into 8 ... and for me, it's not a review.
That made me feel better ...that and the fact that it's not a credit class, therefore it has no bearing on my GPA no matter what (not A nor F) So, I'll repeat these classes as necessary.
In Adult Psych I ended the semester with an average of
99.6%
Child Psych
95.7%
Women's Studies
98%
Between yet another semester on the President's Honor Roll and my induction into Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society as well as elected to Vice President of Service in Phi Theta Kappa ... I feel pretty good about the semester!
I'm also, as of now, a Junior. I went back to school 4 semesters ago feeling very anxious ...could I do this? Was I physically capable.
I rarely let onto how much doubt I felt ... but I was absolutely terrified.
I wanted my support system to know my passion and support that, not support my fear ... so I kept my fear to myself.
But this semester it has finally dawned on me that not only do I NEED to do this, but I, in fact, CAN do this and more importantly, SHOULD do this!
I took Intermediate Algebra
Adult Psychology
Child Psychology
and Women's Studies.
The intermediate algebra, like beginning algebra, took the wind out of me. My professor reminded me that most students in the class have A) had algebra before B) they haven't been out of school as long (although most out at least 5 years) and therefore for them, it's a review. I never took Algebra at all, so for me, this is new information. AND it's been so many years since I had pre algebra (almost 33 years now) and most people take it in high school and have a full year to take what I took in 1 semester .. and adding to that, I managed to accidently get into an 8 week class ...so I had 36 weeks worth of information jammed into 8 ... and for me, it's not a review.
That made me feel better ...that and the fact that it's not a credit class, therefore it has no bearing on my GPA no matter what (not A nor F) So, I'll repeat these classes as necessary.
In Adult Psych I ended the semester with an average of
99.6%
Child Psych
95.7%
Women's Studies
98%
Between yet another semester on the President's Honor Roll and my induction into Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society as well as elected to Vice President of Service in Phi Theta Kappa ... I feel pretty good about the semester!
I'm also, as of now, a Junior. I went back to school 4 semesters ago feeling very anxious ...could I do this? Was I physically capable.
I rarely let onto how much doubt I felt ... but I was absolutely terrified.
I wanted my support system to know my passion and support that, not support my fear ... so I kept my fear to myself.
But this semester it has finally dawned on me that not only do I NEED to do this, but I, in fact, CAN do this and more importantly, SHOULD do this!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
MAYBE I CAN?
A week from tomorrow I will have finished my last final for the semester. I will then have 63 hours ...which has me as a college Junior. When I started in August of 2008 I really had no idea if I could do this or not. I just knew I had to try.
I'm having odd feelings of "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel" and "oh my how far to go!"
But, in 5 semesters I should have my Bachelor's Degree. (probably a BS, but could be a BA, not sure at this point) Still have masters and Ph.D after that, but ...when I started I had a mere 23 hours and even getting to 60 hours seemed so far away ... I'm getting there ...slowly but surely!
I'm having odd feelings of "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel" and "oh my how far to go!"
But, in 5 semesters I should have my Bachelor's Degree. (probably a BS, but could be a BA, not sure at this point) Still have masters and Ph.D after that, but ...when I started I had a mere 23 hours and even getting to 60 hours seemed so far away ... I'm getting there ...slowly but surely!
Monday, April 19, 2010
April 19 .. then and now
15 years ago I was taking my children to a homeschool event. My sister in law called me as I was putting my sons shoes on and said a bomb had gone off in the federal building. I thanked her for letting me know. That time in our country's history pipe bombs seemed to happen as often as they didn't. True terrorism wasn't even on our radar. Not here in the US. US property outside of the Continental US ...yes, but not the US proper.
At the picnic, my young son, not even 4 yet, started to get ansy. He was tired and in need of a nap but the picnic wasn't over for about 4 more hours. I left my oldest with a friend and ran home to put my son to bed. (hubby was home) I waited till I knew he'd fallen asleep, because hubby was taking a nap, too.
I turned on the TV and saw that all hell had broken loose in OKC. It was not a pipe bomb. I was stunned. I gathered myself and ran back to the picnic. No longer in the mood for fun, I told my friends of the true devastation of the bomb and went home. I spent the next 3 days glued to the TV.
I had this uneasy feeling that someone I knew was in the bombing. I kept telling my husband I wondered where everyone from Proclamation was. (I'd been in singing ministry called Proclamation. We'd scattered all over the country when it was over).
It was an odd thought. I had no reason to think I might know someone, but it was nagging at me. It turned out to be nagging at several from our group.
The friday after the bombing, (was a wednesday morning) CBS released the first 6 names of the victims who had been identified. As I started to climb over the toddler gate between living room and kitchen I heard the name
TRUDY RIGNEY.
I sprawled out across the kitchen floor and became somewhat hysterical. My husband could not get what happened out of me and called my mom. Mom finally got the words "Trudy Rigney died"
When I finally settled down, I looked up the one person I knew was still in town and told her what I'd heard. She did some quick research to verify and we started to call the members of Proclamation as we talked to one person who knew where someone else was ...calling information, calling colleges for alumni information ...we contacted many of our group. I heard over and over again "I had the uneasy feeling that we'd lost someone from Proclamation in that blast."
It has been 15 years since McVeigh took Trudy's life. Her son thrived. Became baptized and married (and if I remember right, became a father).
Trudy will never be forgotten by me. She was a tremendous young woman who had the kind of compassion that everyone needs to experience. She will always keep a place in my heart and I will miss her terribly.
Tonight I'm being inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. They will be paying tribute to Trudy ...a former president ..not only for PTK, but at the college and campus I'm on. It's fitting.
I feel a bit closer to her being able to share this with her. I wish she was here to see me inducted, but I know that she knows and is proud. Not as proud of me as I was of her ...that'd be impossible.
Trudy, you're always in my heart. I miss you, I always will.
At the picnic, my young son, not even 4 yet, started to get ansy. He was tired and in need of a nap but the picnic wasn't over for about 4 more hours. I left my oldest with a friend and ran home to put my son to bed. (hubby was home) I waited till I knew he'd fallen asleep, because hubby was taking a nap, too.
I turned on the TV and saw that all hell had broken loose in OKC. It was not a pipe bomb. I was stunned. I gathered myself and ran back to the picnic. No longer in the mood for fun, I told my friends of the true devastation of the bomb and went home. I spent the next 3 days glued to the TV.
I had this uneasy feeling that someone I knew was in the bombing. I kept telling my husband I wondered where everyone from Proclamation was. (I'd been in singing ministry called Proclamation. We'd scattered all over the country when it was over).
It was an odd thought. I had no reason to think I might know someone, but it was nagging at me. It turned out to be nagging at several from our group.
The friday after the bombing, (was a wednesday morning) CBS released the first 6 names of the victims who had been identified. As I started to climb over the toddler gate between living room and kitchen I heard the name
TRUDY RIGNEY.
I sprawled out across the kitchen floor and became somewhat hysterical. My husband could not get what happened out of me and called my mom. Mom finally got the words "Trudy Rigney died"
When I finally settled down, I looked up the one person I knew was still in town and told her what I'd heard. She did some quick research to verify and we started to call the members of Proclamation as we talked to one person who knew where someone else was ...calling information, calling colleges for alumni information ...we contacted many of our group. I heard over and over again "I had the uneasy feeling that we'd lost someone from Proclamation in that blast."
It has been 15 years since McVeigh took Trudy's life. Her son thrived. Became baptized and married (and if I remember right, became a father).
Trudy will never be forgotten by me. She was a tremendous young woman who had the kind of compassion that everyone needs to experience. She will always keep a place in my heart and I will miss her terribly.
Tonight I'm being inducted into the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. They will be paying tribute to Trudy ...a former president ..not only for PTK, but at the college and campus I'm on. It's fitting.
I feel a bit closer to her being able to share this with her. I wish she was here to see me inducted, but I know that she knows and is proud. Not as proud of me as I was of her ...that'd be impossible.
Trudy, you're always in my heart. I miss you, I always will.
Friday, April 16, 2010
No, Really, I asked you to take care of it for the fun of it...
Well, intermediate algebra was an 8 week class, so I finished that a few weeks ago.
I did not take the final, because I knew that even if I could get a C in the class (very doubtful) I had in no way shape or form learned enough to move on to College algebra. Me, in an 8 week class wasn't the smartest move I ever made. However, I did get a good introduction to the material, and know what I need to know to retake it. So maybe it was better to be tortured for 8 weeks instead of 16 weeks.
The final is school wide and done on a computerized program. The program costs $84. I chose to not use the program that I'd spent $84 on, and save it for my retake. It made no sense to use the $84 for a final for a class I needed to retake. (There was also my instructors determination to give me the grade my work effort gave, which would have been an A, but without passing the final with at least 50% the most he could give was a C. So he planned on giving me a C. I kept telling him that to do that would mean financial aid would not allow me to retake the class.) My instructor either would not, or could not see my delimma. I get that he was trying to be nice, and helpful, but he was really complicating things.
About 10 days ago, I recieved notice from the school. I was being billed for $700 and until they got the $700 they were blocking my records. This meant I could nto register for next year and I could not get my transcripts to complete my application to NSU. I had no idea why they were billing me for $700. Since I'd gotten full financial aid, there was nothing that hadn't been covered.
I go in and find out that the algebra instructor had put my status in as a WNA ...Withrawl Never Attended. This meant Financial Aide wanted their $700 back for the class I never took that they paid for. Only, I DID take it. I emailed the instructor and he waited till today to get back to me.
His reasoning is that a withdrawl is better on the transcript than an F ... yeah, if you're not on financial aide probation for having dropped too many classes in your
20's and if you drop a single class you will loose all financial aide until the year 2099 (yes, that's what they've told me). An F on a 'developmental class' or zero level class has no bearing on grades. None. An A on a developmental class also has no bearing on grades. They are zero credit classes and while they appear on transcripts, they do not in anyway shape or form effect the GPA. An F shows that I took the class. I DID attend the class, I just didn't PASS the class.
So, he emails me back and says that it's April 16, and do I really still need him to change this. Um, I sent you an email YESTERDAY asking for you to please address this. Nothing has happened int he last 24 hours to change that.
Anyway ... hopefully that will be taken care of soon so I can get into the good intermediate algebra class before it fills. If I wind up with a cruddy instructor because of this, I'm going to be less than pleased!
This semester I took an Online Adult Psych class. A women's Studies class and a child psych class and the 8 week algebra class. Today, I sent in my final essay for Adult Psych. This leaves me with just 6 hours a week. Women's studies and Child Psych. Which is nice because both have me with quite the work load.
Although, Tuesday I will turn in one essay and give a presentation and then only 2 tests and a major paper left.
Last semester I was in class 18 hours a week (for 13 hours credit) and this semester I'm in all of 6. Odd.
I do not like going just on Tuesdays and thursdays. I've learned I prefer the rhythm of the M-F.
For almost 3 weeks now I have been dealing with a severe headache. I'm getting tired of it ... my patience for my health issues are wearing thin. I guess somehow I thought if I went back to school, that would be the cure for what ails me. Not sure how I came to that conclusion.
I did not take the final, because I knew that even if I could get a C in the class (very doubtful) I had in no way shape or form learned enough to move on to College algebra. Me, in an 8 week class wasn't the smartest move I ever made. However, I did get a good introduction to the material, and know what I need to know to retake it. So maybe it was better to be tortured for 8 weeks instead of 16 weeks.
The final is school wide and done on a computerized program. The program costs $84. I chose to not use the program that I'd spent $84 on, and save it for my retake. It made no sense to use the $84 for a final for a class I needed to retake. (There was also my instructors determination to give me the grade my work effort gave, which would have been an A, but without passing the final with at least 50% the most he could give was a C. So he planned on giving me a C. I kept telling him that to do that would mean financial aid would not allow me to retake the class.) My instructor either would not, or could not see my delimma. I get that he was trying to be nice, and helpful, but he was really complicating things.
About 10 days ago, I recieved notice from the school. I was being billed for $700 and until they got the $700 they were blocking my records. This meant I could nto register for next year and I could not get my transcripts to complete my application to NSU. I had no idea why they were billing me for $700. Since I'd gotten full financial aid, there was nothing that hadn't been covered.
I go in and find out that the algebra instructor had put my status in as a WNA ...Withrawl Never Attended. This meant Financial Aide wanted their $700 back for the class I never took that they paid for. Only, I DID take it. I emailed the instructor and he waited till today to get back to me.
His reasoning is that a withdrawl is better on the transcript than an F ... yeah, if you're not on financial aide probation for having dropped too many classes in your
20's and if you drop a single class you will loose all financial aide until the year 2099 (yes, that's what they've told me). An F on a 'developmental class' or zero level class has no bearing on grades. None. An A on a developmental class also has no bearing on grades. They are zero credit classes and while they appear on transcripts, they do not in anyway shape or form effect the GPA. An F shows that I took the class. I DID attend the class, I just didn't PASS the class.
So, he emails me back and says that it's April 16, and do I really still need him to change this. Um, I sent you an email YESTERDAY asking for you to please address this. Nothing has happened int he last 24 hours to change that.
Anyway ... hopefully that will be taken care of soon so I can get into the good intermediate algebra class before it fills. If I wind up with a cruddy instructor because of this, I'm going to be less than pleased!
This semester I took an Online Adult Psych class. A women's Studies class and a child psych class and the 8 week algebra class. Today, I sent in my final essay for Adult Psych. This leaves me with just 6 hours a week. Women's studies and Child Psych. Which is nice because both have me with quite the work load.
Although, Tuesday I will turn in one essay and give a presentation and then only 2 tests and a major paper left.
Last semester I was in class 18 hours a week (for 13 hours credit) and this semester I'm in all of 6. Odd.
I do not like going just on Tuesdays and thursdays. I've learned I prefer the rhythm of the M-F.
For almost 3 weeks now I have been dealing with a severe headache. I'm getting tired of it ... my patience for my health issues are wearing thin. I guess somehow I thought if I went back to school, that would be the cure for what ails me. Not sure how I came to that conclusion.
Friday, April 09, 2010
The year Tuesday, 2010
Tuesday is a day I'm not ever wanting to repeat.
I was sitting in my Women's Studies class, watching a very funny routine by Whoopi Goldberg about how women and their communication (about womanly things) had changed over the last 50 years. Teresa and I were laughing, sometimes so hard it was hard to breathe.
Suddenly, a classmate sitting in front of us turned her phone to me and showed me a text. Wilma Mankiller had past away.
I learned that her influence on me was greater than I'd thought and that my tear ducts not only still function but they can function in front of people. (I don't cry often, and rarely ever let anyone see me cry) I left the room to compose myself and came back feeling stunned and somewhat alone. My role model had just died.
There are supposed to be some existing pictures of me with her. I'm hoping the person who told me will follow through and send them to me. (I met her a handful of times)
I left class and went onto child psych. Somewhat subdued, along with my classmates that take both classes. We'd just paid tribute to her a month ago (today).
In Child Psych, the professor dropped a bomb on us. Extensive plagerizing. While I didn't plagerize, (as a writer, that would never happen! I've been plagerized and I know how it feels!) her definition of plagerism had me conscerned. I had a quote in my paper that was in quotation marks because it was a commonly used phrase ... however, not being a 20 year old, I should have given credit to one of them. Most people over 40 are well aware that Hillary Clinton first said "It takes a Village." I'm well over 40 so I have no excuse.
Long story short, after a sleepless night, a conversation with instructor and she did not consider what I did plagerizing. I was safe. Next time she said, use 'x' instead of "X" for catch phrases or at the very least put "(from unknown origin)".
Left school to go to my sons IEP. Anyone following this blog will know how difficult those meetings have always been for my family. (IEP is the annual meeting between families of children with special needs and the teachers and administrators responsible for giving him special ed services.)
For years, I've struggled with Benjamin's special education services. Whle this school district is significantly better than the previous, it is still falling far short of what is needed. (one teacher flat out said he would not make accomodations for him, and then gave him a hard time in class for not passing. Going so far as to one day saying "we have only one F on the test and we all know who that is." (um what happened to not discussing special ed students with others not a part of his team?) And no, as far as I know there were no consequences for this mans statements.
They've never given him appropriate services and I've tried to walk the tightrope between doing what is necessary to get my son the most I can without causing them to hate me. (so they did not take it out on my son.) When the doctors told us that he should be in special education classes, he was not quite 3 years old. We took him in for the evaulation and they said "no, he's just fine" and sent us out the door. He wasn't three yet, so we let it go. The next summer, we did the same. They again said "nope." Docs said "yes!" and we took them, successfully, to due process. Again,t he next year they did the same and back to due process we went. The next year, they did the same and this time we went to arbitration. Abitrator told us all that he was to be enrolled into Head Starts Accomodated Services at school expense.
The next year ... OASIS in the dangerous desert that is Public Schools Special Education Services and he was accepted to the highly successful The Little Light House.
The Little Light House is a non profit, special education, Christian school that is no cost whatsoever to the parents. At this school he recieved his OT,PT and speech therapy. So not only was this a break from the public school battle, but for a year, we had to take him to school. Not to school AND PT AND OT AND Speech. Support for the parents, education for the children, services for the children lead to a very safe place. Unfortunately, they only take birth to age 6 and he was 5, would be 6 during the school year. He'd only be elligible for 1 year.
That was ok, because I thought he'd be accepted for Special Education services the following year. (TLLH has such a reputation, schools RARELY go against the programs recommendations. However, the district we were in, made the exception on a regular basis) TLLH could have been his kindergarten and we couple place him into first grade or we could use it as pre k and place him in K. We didn't trust our district to provide appropriate services (any wonder why?) and chose kindergarten to give him the best chance possible. I often wonder if the battle would have been less if we'd place him in first grade.
Long story short, we didnt' get an IEP until 2nd grade. Even then, the placement was wrong and not enough or appropriate services. They were only doing it because I'd gotten fed up and called a congressman who ordered the special ed services to be audited. We have been fighting, to a lesser degree ever since. They've always tried to prove to me why he was just fine (he's delightful was their best excuse. Um, so you're going to remove every delightful child from special education? This is SpEd not education for the emotionally disturbed!
They have made me point out all his deficits, while they tell me what a terrific child I have. It always frustrated me and caused great pain to be put in the position of being the one to tell them what is wrong with my child. NO mother should have to be the one pointing out their childs faults to the school!
So, Tuesday, they tell me what's wrong, and what's right and place him with appropriate services. I learned something ... being told your childs faults really isn't easier than being the one to tell them. (I still firmly believe no mother should be placed in that position)
Benjamin however, took it great. Listened, took notes and plans on using what he learned to help him improve.
I get home and I'm sitting on the computer, reading blogs and the doorbell rings. It is the police wanting to know if my sons best friend is here. He was. His sister had called the police to do a wellness check. Clinton, who has a hard time with the police because he watched them TWICE take his father away, was less than thrilled. He also didn't feel that telling his sister "I'm tired of all this mess" was worthy of a suicide prevention call.
All of that took place between 12 noon and 5:30 pm.
I was sitting in my Women's Studies class, watching a very funny routine by Whoopi Goldberg about how women and their communication (about womanly things) had changed over the last 50 years. Teresa and I were laughing, sometimes so hard it was hard to breathe.
Suddenly, a classmate sitting in front of us turned her phone to me and showed me a text. Wilma Mankiller had past away.
I learned that her influence on me was greater than I'd thought and that my tear ducts not only still function but they can function in front of people. (I don't cry often, and rarely ever let anyone see me cry) I left the room to compose myself and came back feeling stunned and somewhat alone. My role model had just died.
There are supposed to be some existing pictures of me with her. I'm hoping the person who told me will follow through and send them to me. (I met her a handful of times)
I left class and went onto child psych. Somewhat subdued, along with my classmates that take both classes. We'd just paid tribute to her a month ago (today).
In Child Psych, the professor dropped a bomb on us. Extensive plagerizing. While I didn't plagerize, (as a writer, that would never happen! I've been plagerized and I know how it feels!) her definition of plagerism had me conscerned. I had a quote in my paper that was in quotation marks because it was a commonly used phrase ... however, not being a 20 year old, I should have given credit to one of them. Most people over 40 are well aware that Hillary Clinton first said "It takes a Village." I'm well over 40 so I have no excuse.
Long story short, after a sleepless night, a conversation with instructor and she did not consider what I did plagerizing. I was safe. Next time she said, use 'x' instead of "X" for catch phrases or at the very least put "(from unknown origin)".
Left school to go to my sons IEP. Anyone following this blog will know how difficult those meetings have always been for my family. (IEP is the annual meeting between families of children with special needs and the teachers and administrators responsible for giving him special ed services.)
For years, I've struggled with Benjamin's special education services. Whle this school district is significantly better than the previous, it is still falling far short of what is needed. (one teacher flat out said he would not make accomodations for him, and then gave him a hard time in class for not passing. Going so far as to one day saying "we have only one F on the test and we all know who that is." (um what happened to not discussing special ed students with others not a part of his team?) And no, as far as I know there were no consequences for this mans statements.
They've never given him appropriate services and I've tried to walk the tightrope between doing what is necessary to get my son the most I can without causing them to hate me. (so they did not take it out on my son.) When the doctors told us that he should be in special education classes, he was not quite 3 years old. We took him in for the evaulation and they said "no, he's just fine" and sent us out the door. He wasn't three yet, so we let it go. The next summer, we did the same. They again said "nope." Docs said "yes!" and we took them, successfully, to due process. Again,t he next year they did the same and back to due process we went. The next year, they did the same and this time we went to arbitration. Abitrator told us all that he was to be enrolled into Head Starts Accomodated Services at school expense.
The next year ... OASIS in the dangerous desert that is Public Schools Special Education Services and he was accepted to the highly successful The Little Light House.
The Little Light House is a non profit, special education, Christian school that is no cost whatsoever to the parents. At this school he recieved his OT,PT and speech therapy. So not only was this a break from the public school battle, but for a year, we had to take him to school. Not to school AND PT AND OT AND Speech. Support for the parents, education for the children, services for the children lead to a very safe place. Unfortunately, they only take birth to age 6 and he was 5, would be 6 during the school year. He'd only be elligible for 1 year.
That was ok, because I thought he'd be accepted for Special Education services the following year. (TLLH has such a reputation, schools RARELY go against the programs recommendations. However, the district we were in, made the exception on a regular basis) TLLH could have been his kindergarten and we couple place him into first grade or we could use it as pre k and place him in K. We didn't trust our district to provide appropriate services (any wonder why?) and chose kindergarten to give him the best chance possible. I often wonder if the battle would have been less if we'd place him in first grade.
Long story short, we didnt' get an IEP until 2nd grade. Even then, the placement was wrong and not enough or appropriate services. They were only doing it because I'd gotten fed up and called a congressman who ordered the special ed services to be audited. We have been fighting, to a lesser degree ever since. They've always tried to prove to me why he was just fine (he's delightful was their best excuse. Um, so you're going to remove every delightful child from special education? This is SpEd not education for the emotionally disturbed!
They have made me point out all his deficits, while they tell me what a terrific child I have. It always frustrated me and caused great pain to be put in the position of being the one to tell them what is wrong with my child. NO mother should have to be the one pointing out their childs faults to the school!
So, Tuesday, they tell me what's wrong, and what's right and place him with appropriate services. I learned something ... being told your childs faults really isn't easier than being the one to tell them. (I still firmly believe no mother should be placed in that position)
Benjamin however, took it great. Listened, took notes and plans on using what he learned to help him improve.
I get home and I'm sitting on the computer, reading blogs and the doorbell rings. It is the police wanting to know if my sons best friend is here. He was. His sister had called the police to do a wellness check. Clinton, who has a hard time with the police because he watched them TWICE take his father away, was less than thrilled. He also didn't feel that telling his sister "I'm tired of all this mess" was worthy of a suicide prevention call.
All of that took place between 12 noon and 5:30 pm.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Thank you
20.5 years ago, my life changed. In one fell swoop I became a mom and a chronically ill patient in the same day. It took 2.5 years to get the diagnosis of Myasthenia Gravis.
My neurologist suggested I contact the MG Foundation for support. I did and then a year or two later was asked to join the board. I did. I particpated in fund raisers, support groups and other aspects.
I served for 3 years on the board.
During one of those years we had a fundraiser ..a fashion show and the guest speaker was a dynamic woman who, herself, had Myasthenia Gravis.
I sat in awe of her. I was still incredibly ill and had as many days as not that I was either unable to get up, or needed assistance in getting dressed. I could not drive. (Vision and what is hardest for people to understand, my leg was not strong enough to get the gas pedal enough pressure to go beyond 25 mph.)
She had MG, she was not in remission, she *had* been as sick as I was and yet, here she was speaking to the people supporting the MG foundation, patients, family, friends and media ... a chronically ill person and the first female chief of the cherokee nation.
Wilma Mankiller.
She spoke that day with confidence that while MG is difficult, it is not impossible to live with. It is something that is better now than it was in the 60's (and even better now 15 or so years later) and that she had hope for the future in MG care. She spoke of her role as Chief and what it meant to be a woman doing that job ..and a woman with health issues doing that job.
It all felt so undoable to me. I couldn't imagine ever feeling better. But I was determined to live the best life I could with what I had.
As the years went by, and the medications started to work, I began to understand her drive, her abilities and her passion for life.
My admiration of her grew and grew.
In the meantime, Wilma revitalized the Cherokee nation. Initiating projects like literacy and historical preservations. She was an outspoken (in a good way) advocate for women every where of every race, belief system and socioeconomic status.
This semester I picked a coarse in women's studies. For International Women's Day we did an awareness campaign. Our class had display tables of important women in the history of women's rights. I chose Wilma Mankiller for our group.
A week before the Awareness day, it was announced that Wilma had pancratic cancer. A direct result of the medications she has taken for Myasthenia Gravis (same drugs she needed to take after a kidney transplant, kidney disease being one of the many health issues she fought).
Today, sitting in class, watching a video a classmate turned her cell phone to me. Wilma Mankiller had passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 64.
Wilma, may you rest in peace and thank you for the influence in my life and the role model that you were to me. It is not a small thing that because of you, I knew I could do more despite MG.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
beading
I was looking for a craft I could get into and do succesfully. I turned to beading. I have absolutely fallen in love with it!!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Mindfulness and Self Care
My therapist is good. Really good. She's managed to get me further toward recovery than either previous therapist. Oddly enough I felt more closely connected, emotionally, than with her.
Two things she is always talking to me about is Mindfulness and Self Care.
I've not done very well with wrapping my brain around those concepts. In the last 24 hours I've had 2 conversations where I saw people struggling and realized the hints given to me would be of help to them. In explaining it to them .. a switch was clicked in my brain. I got it! (guess that's why the say teachers tend to learn more than students?)
Mindfulness ..keeping your mind in the here and now. What is in front of you. Mindfulness is being researched a lot these days. UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center has much to say about Mindfulness.
What is Mindful Awareness?
Mindful Awareness - the moment-by-moment process of actively attending to, observing and drawing inferences from what one experiences. Mindful Awareness (also known as mindfulness) is an ancient concept with over 2,500 years of history and development that has recently been brought into health settings and has shown to have a powerful role on overall health promotion and healing for a variety of physical illnesses including cancer, heart disease, arthritis, auto-immune disorders, chronic pain, depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
My therapist has given me a few exercises on it but it wasn't until today, explaining it to a friend just what it's meant. How to do it. I was reaching for a way to explain it, realized I needed to find something she could relate to ..ironically, it was also something *I* could relate to and it 'clicked' for me.
Coffee ... she and I both love coffee.
So, I told her to
Pick up the coffee cup.
Observe the coolness of the empty ceramic. The smoothness (if it is in fact smooth) of the cup, the texture, how heavy it is, what it FEELS like in the hand.
Fill the cup with the coffee. Notice the sound of the liquid pouring into the cup.
Pick up the mug, now feel the changes in the warmth of the mug. It's warmth escaping the mug to your hand, the steam warming your face.
Smell the coffee it's rich brew. What color is it? Dark, medium or maybe what my husband refers to as "newspaper coffee" (so weak you can read a newspaper through it)
Take a small taste (yes, even if you don't drink it black. Or maybe, especially if you don't drink it black)
Feel the liquid as it makes it's way down your throat
What muscles are used?
What does the bitterness taste like, pleasant? Unpleasant?
Aftertaste?
then go ahead and flavor the coffee with whatever you use to flavor it. Pay attention to the sound of the spoon in the cup as you stir it in.
Then taste it, what makes it different than black. Feel it warm your mouth and your throat as it makes its way into the stomach.
Breathe deep while doing all this ... Breathing in to the count of 4, holding for 4 and breathing out for the count of 8.
Paying attention to each step, each sensation (involving all of your senses) keeps you in the here and now. Not worried about if your child got off the bus with all their homework. What is for dinner 12 hours from now? Did I get everything done on yesterday's to do list? How can I possibly do everything on today's to do list?
For that few minutes ... you're there with a cup of coffee and nothing else matters.
It's calming
It's healing for the mind
It's refreshing
It's renewing.
Try it ... you'll be pleased with the result.
If you find yourself in the muddle of day to day worries or in a crisis ... you'll find that participating in a few minutes of mindfulness ... a few times a week ...or a day ... will bring peace.
Two things she is always talking to me about is Mindfulness and Self Care.
I've not done very well with wrapping my brain around those concepts. In the last 24 hours I've had 2 conversations where I saw people struggling and realized the hints given to me would be of help to them. In explaining it to them .. a switch was clicked in my brain. I got it! (guess that's why the say teachers tend to learn more than students?)
Mindfulness ..keeping your mind in the here and now. What is in front of you. Mindfulness is being researched a lot these days. UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center has much to say about Mindfulness.
What is Mindful Awareness?
Mindful Awareness - the moment-by-moment process of actively attending to, observing and drawing inferences from what one experiences. Mindful Awareness (also known as mindfulness) is an ancient concept with over 2,500 years of history and development that has recently been brought into health settings and has shown to have a powerful role on overall health promotion and healing for a variety of physical illnesses including cancer, heart disease, arthritis, auto-immune disorders, chronic pain, depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
My therapist has given me a few exercises on it but it wasn't until today, explaining it to a friend just what it's meant. How to do it. I was reaching for a way to explain it, realized I needed to find something she could relate to ..ironically, it was also something *I* could relate to and it 'clicked' for me.
Coffee ... she and I both love coffee.
So, I told her to
Pick up the coffee cup.
Observe the coolness of the empty ceramic. The smoothness (if it is in fact smooth) of the cup, the texture, how heavy it is, what it FEELS like in the hand.
Fill the cup with the coffee. Notice the sound of the liquid pouring into the cup.
Pick up the mug, now feel the changes in the warmth of the mug. It's warmth escaping the mug to your hand, the steam warming your face.
Smell the coffee it's rich brew. What color is it? Dark, medium or maybe what my husband refers to as "newspaper coffee" (so weak you can read a newspaper through it)
Take a small taste (yes, even if you don't drink it black. Or maybe, especially if you don't drink it black)
Feel the liquid as it makes it's way down your throat
What muscles are used?
What does the bitterness taste like, pleasant? Unpleasant?
Aftertaste?
then go ahead and flavor the coffee with whatever you use to flavor it. Pay attention to the sound of the spoon in the cup as you stir it in.
Then taste it, what makes it different than black. Feel it warm your mouth and your throat as it makes its way into the stomach.
Breathe deep while doing all this ... Breathing in to the count of 4, holding for 4 and breathing out for the count of 8.
Paying attention to each step, each sensation (involving all of your senses) keeps you in the here and now. Not worried about if your child got off the bus with all their homework. What is for dinner 12 hours from now? Did I get everything done on yesterday's to do list? How can I possibly do everything on today's to do list?
For that few minutes ... you're there with a cup of coffee and nothing else matters.
It's calming
It's healing for the mind
It's refreshing
It's renewing.
Try it ... you'll be pleased with the result.
If you find yourself in the muddle of day to day worries or in a crisis ... you'll find that participating in a few minutes of mindfulness ... a few times a week ...or a day ... will bring peace.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer
And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
Friday, March 12, 2010
Me Poster
Made this for therapy. Monday, we begin talking about sadness ... and the begin the process of trauma therapy. If you've read my blog for any length of time you know this is long over due. (and probably assumed I'd started it long ago ..but I didn't ..and now circumstances have pushed me to finally doing something about it)
Sunday, February 28, 2010
3x + 2y = CRAZY
My 8 week algebra class is over. I got a 61%. Which, is significantly higher than the 45% I got my first time through Beginning Algebra.
My instructor reminded me that most people had this in high school. Very few in college didn't have it at all. So for them, it's a second time around, re introduction to skills they'd had but forgotten or never quite understood the first time. The fact that I never had it, and I'm trying to learn it at my current stage in life makes it harder. Taking an 8 week class probably didn't help ... most students get this in high school ... in 36 weeks. I'm taking it in collge, which is 16 weeks per semester and I took this one on fast track, 8 weeks. So I tried to absorb a full school years worth of info in just 8 weeks.
He suggested that I
memorize the formula's
memorize what a problem looks like that needs that particular formula
and memorize the vocabulary.
(like when the test asked me to rationalize a problem and I went blank because I had no clue what rationalize meant.)
He also said that if I get it down, college algebra wont' be that hard because while it is increasing in difficulty, it has very few new principals ... just new ways to use the ones you know.
(we'll see)
The nice thing about the 8 week is I get so confused, it just makes me more confused. This way it was all introduced to me and I know what I need to know ...and the confusion/frustration was only an 8 week process.
I plan on continuing to keep my schedule for homework. I'll just work on the principals that he told me to in the time that I was working on actual homework/studing for the class.
My instructor reminded me that most people had this in high school. Very few in college didn't have it at all. So for them, it's a second time around, re introduction to skills they'd had but forgotten or never quite understood the first time. The fact that I never had it, and I'm trying to learn it at my current stage in life makes it harder. Taking an 8 week class probably didn't help ... most students get this in high school ... in 36 weeks. I'm taking it in collge, which is 16 weeks per semester and I took this one on fast track, 8 weeks. So I tried to absorb a full school years worth of info in just 8 weeks.
He suggested that I
memorize the formula's
memorize what a problem looks like that needs that particular formula
and memorize the vocabulary.
(like when the test asked me to rationalize a problem and I went blank because I had no clue what rationalize meant.)
He also said that if I get it down, college algebra wont' be that hard because while it is increasing in difficulty, it has very few new principals ... just new ways to use the ones you know.
(we'll see)
The nice thing about the 8 week is I get so confused, it just makes me more confused. This way it was all introduced to me and I know what I need to know ...and the confusion/frustration was only an 8 week process.
I plan on continuing to keep my schedule for homework. I'll just work on the principals that he told me to in the time that I was working on actual homework/studing for the class.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Eyes Open, Heart Broken
I've posted about my sons issues ...over and over again.
I've been aware of what his problems are almost from birth.
But I'm not sure I ever SAW it.
I was sitting in the library today, with someone attempting to tutor me in algebra.
I was on the verge of tears ... I was worn out ...tired ... and overwhelmed.
As we were discussing something, I don't know what ... it hit me .. this feeling that Algebra gives me ...it's the only subject that can reduce me to a pile of tears ... it is only in working with algebra that I feel
stupid
confused
unprepared
unable
brainless
half witted
simple
slow
dull
dumb
I could go on ..and yes, I do understand, intellectually that those adjectives do not apply to me ... most of them anyway (no one can deny that I'm unprepared for this or that I'm confused ...). I know I'm not stupid, dumb or brainless but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm sitting in a class full of people who are GETTING IT and everything might as well be taking place in French for all I understand. (I might understand more in French than Algebriac!)
It hit me ...my son has an IQ of 80, he has auditory and visual processing disorder, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome ...
Federal laws require students to work at CHRONILOGICAL Grade level rather than FUNCTIONAL grade level. He's working on 11th grade work with a 5th grade reading level. Take a 10 year old, throw them into school with Juniors and watch them succeed ...not!
This is how he feels, every minute of every school day ..and has for his whole school career! (which started at age 3 and he's now 18)
Wow ... while this will probably help me when I get to my degree and work with kids with issues ... I get it ... but what does it do for me as a mom who can't seem to help her son ...
I get it, my eyes are open ...but it breaks my heart that things are this hard!
I've been aware of what his problems are almost from birth.
But I'm not sure I ever SAW it.
I was sitting in the library today, with someone attempting to tutor me in algebra.
I was on the verge of tears ... I was worn out ...tired ... and overwhelmed.
As we were discussing something, I don't know what ... it hit me .. this feeling that Algebra gives me ...it's the only subject that can reduce me to a pile of tears ... it is only in working with algebra that I feel
stupid
confused
unprepared
unable
brainless
half witted
simple
slow
dull
dumb
I could go on ..and yes, I do understand, intellectually that those adjectives do not apply to me ... most of them anyway (no one can deny that I'm unprepared for this or that I'm confused ...). I know I'm not stupid, dumb or brainless but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm sitting in a class full of people who are GETTING IT and everything might as well be taking place in French for all I understand. (I might understand more in French than Algebriac!)
It hit me ...my son has an IQ of 80, he has auditory and visual processing disorder, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome ...
Federal laws require students to work at CHRONILOGICAL Grade level rather than FUNCTIONAL grade level. He's working on 11th grade work with a 5th grade reading level. Take a 10 year old, throw them into school with Juniors and watch them succeed ...not!
This is how he feels, every minute of every school day ..and has for his whole school career! (which started at age 3 and he's now 18)
Wow ... while this will probably help me when I get to my degree and work with kids with issues ... I get it ... but what does it do for me as a mom who can't seem to help her son ...
I get it, my eyes are open ...but it breaks my heart that things are this hard!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Pefection's Secret Plans
By Peggikaye Eagler
Perfection comes in bright shiny clothes,
“Effortless” paths to my lofty goals.
Reminding me success with in an arm’s length,
Fear is subtle but it’s the true strength,
Ever whispering promises of delight,
Contradicting failures true plight.
Take my advice, it cajoles me often,
It keeps my heart from learning to soften,
Ominous demands, grow greater with time
Never knowing I’ve been trapped by its slime.
Destruction comes more subtly dressed,
Entering quietly whispering “no rest”
Side by Side with Perfection performs
Truth is hidden about my life’s real norms.
Ruthless as Perfection, but simply more deadly.
Unwilling to let go of its power,
Convincing me I must obey or be a coward.
Tip toeing around the issues at hand,
Insisting I keep things buried in sand.
Over and over it reminds me the goal
Never give up or you’ve lost your soul.
Breaking free, it’s harder than you’d think
Recognizing the twins, it’s you they’ll sink.
Amazingly there is an escape from their plan.
Knowing the truth about their stories to fail,
In no way shape or form will loss lock me in jail.
No laws require me to bind with their contract,
Growth, kindness love releases me to interact.
Finally, my eyes and heart start to bloom,
Relearning skills to heal hidden doom.
Every time Perfection takes hold
Destruction follows, making life cold.
Breaking loose away from their grip,
Free and healthy brings a lively new trip.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Perfection comes in bright shiny clothes,
“Effortless” paths to my lofty goals.
Reminding me success with in an arm’s length,
Fear is subtle but it’s the true strength,
Ever whispering promises of delight,
Contradicting failures true plight.
Take my advice, it cajoles me often,
It keeps my heart from learning to soften,
Ominous demands, grow greater with time
Never knowing I’ve been trapped by its slime.
Destruction comes more subtly dressed,
Entering quietly whispering “no rest”
Side by Side with Perfection performs
Truth is hidden about my life’s real norms.
Ruthless as Perfection, but simply more deadly.
Unwilling to let go of its power,
Convincing me I must obey or be a coward.
Tip toeing around the issues at hand,
Insisting I keep things buried in sand.
Over and over it reminds me the goal
Never give up or you’ve lost your soul.
Breaking free, it’s harder than you’d think
Recognizing the twins, it’s you they’ll sink.
Amazingly there is an escape from their plan.
Knowing the truth about their stories to fail,
In no way shape or form will loss lock me in jail.
No laws require me to bind with their contract,
Growth, kindness love releases me to interact.
Finally, my eyes and heart start to bloom,
Relearning skills to heal hidden doom.
Every time Perfection takes hold
Destruction follows, making life cold.
Breaking loose away from their grip,
Free and healthy brings a lively new trip.
© Peggikaye Eagler
Friday, February 05, 2010
worst day of the year.
First, I want to start off by offering my condolances to one of my dearest friends. We went to church together for 5 years and barely, if ever, spoke. We wound up in a class together and got to know each other. We still refer to it as "THAT class" .. it was a good class, but it was an incredibly painful past as we talked about how we got to be who we were.
Wanda and I learned that for every one thing that we did not have in common, we had three that we did.
I don't see her as often as I'd like. Since I left the church, it's required real effort to keep the relationship going ...but the heart of it, is there, will always be there.
She is a mother ... and her youngest, Chris has had many challenges ... agoraphobia ... severe agoraphobia at that. I adored Chris ... he was delightful, funny and rather precious.
A couple of years ago, we had an ice storm. Much of Oklahoma suffered greatly. We, like most of the state, lost electricity. Within a couple of days, our cell phones died ... and we were left without ability to communicate with family and friends.
Her son, her agoraphobic son ... had Wanda bring him to check on us, so that he could see with his own eyes that we were ok. It was a delightful visit ... one I will never forget.
A week ago, Chris passed away ...at 27 years old. A cold, pneumonia and septicemia. Taken too young too soon ...with too much in front of him.
My heart breaks for her ...
Wanda, you're so very precious to me ..and as RS said today ... you're so easy to love.
Please keep her in your prayers and if you would, stop by her blog to let her know she's being covered in prayers.
It's February 5 (2 am) and once again, I'm looking at the calendar anxious for this day to be gone ...31 years ago today, I found my step fathers body after he committed suicide.
I can't say it's gotten better over the years, but the grief has changed.
I loved him so ... so very much. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that all things worked out ... nothing in my life is better off without him. He'd only have enriched every good experience and made the bad ones just a bit more bearable.
Daddy, Chris ... we're anxiously awaiting the day when we get to see your smiles and hear your laughter again. You are loved, will always be loved and treasured. Thank you both, for the memories.
Wanda and I learned that for every one thing that we did not have in common, we had three that we did.
I don't see her as often as I'd like. Since I left the church, it's required real effort to keep the relationship going ...but the heart of it, is there, will always be there.
She is a mother ... and her youngest, Chris has had many challenges ... agoraphobia ... severe agoraphobia at that. I adored Chris ... he was delightful, funny and rather precious.
A couple of years ago, we had an ice storm. Much of Oklahoma suffered greatly. We, like most of the state, lost electricity. Within a couple of days, our cell phones died ... and we were left without ability to communicate with family and friends.
Her son, her agoraphobic son ... had Wanda bring him to check on us, so that he could see with his own eyes that we were ok. It was a delightful visit ... one I will never forget.
A week ago, Chris passed away ...at 27 years old. A cold, pneumonia and septicemia. Taken too young too soon ...with too much in front of him.
My heart breaks for her ...
Wanda, you're so very precious to me ..and as RS said today ... you're so easy to love.
Please keep her in your prayers and if you would, stop by her blog to let her know she's being covered in prayers.
It's February 5 (2 am) and once again, I'm looking at the calendar anxious for this day to be gone ...31 years ago today, I found my step fathers body after he committed suicide.
I can't say it's gotten better over the years, but the grief has changed.
I loved him so ... so very much. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that all things worked out ... nothing in my life is better off without him. He'd only have enriched every good experience and made the bad ones just a bit more bearable.
Daddy, Chris ... we're anxiously awaiting the day when we get to see your smiles and hear your laughter again. You are loved, will always be loved and treasured. Thank you both, for the memories.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Opening up
I closed my blog, making it a permission only blog for about a year and a half. I wanted a forum to write, semi privately, about some issues. I found myself not writing about those issues, and not writing much at all. I decided to open it back up, maybe I'll keep up better with it as an open blog.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A New Semester
With only intermediate algebra and college algebra left to go for my basics, that means, I'm primarily doing my 'degree focused' course work. This semester I'm taking Intermediate Algebra, Child Psychology, Adult Psychology and Women's studies.
I'm really excited about the Women's Studies class. When I was told there might not be one because of lack of enrollment, I went into recruitment mode and there are about 20 people (normal is about 8 for this class!!) I know that 6 of them are people I etheir cajolled or begged or pleaded to take. (ok, so a couple I just had to mention, but a couple I really drove them nuts with "you're taking it aren't you?"
My hair is ever evolving ... it's short still and red still but it changes ...
I'll try to get a post up tomorrow (ok, later today)
I'm really excited about the Women's Studies class. When I was told there might not be one because of lack of enrollment, I went into recruitment mode and there are about 20 people (normal is about 8 for this class!!) I know that 6 of them are people I etheir cajolled or begged or pleaded to take. (ok, so a couple I just had to mention, but a couple I really drove them nuts with "you're taking it aren't you?"
My hair is ever evolving ... it's short still and red still but it changes ...
I'll try to get a post up tomorrow (ok, later today)
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas 2009
Butternut Squash Soup (homemade)
Not the best Christmas ... 4th blizzard in states history made it a pretty one, that's for sure.
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