Recently, I was asked what it was like to be back in school at my age ... a few thoughts come to mind:
struggling to gain knowlege/skills in an area that I've always struggled with while watching students younger than my youngest is not fun and plays havok with my emotions.
Struggling to understand what comes so easily for others ... plays havok with my emotions
Remembering being given a list of facts to study for a test and reading it a couple of times and acing the test while I have to crack the books now, and actually STUDY to learn and understand because memorization is not going to happen like it did when I was a kid ... plays havok with my emotions.
Having a hot flash in the middle of algebra ...plays havok with my desire to not make a fool of myself. (this happened on Monday!)
Understanding concepts that seem foreign (and unfathomable) to my peers because they cannot imagine ever making the choices I've made or choices those we're studying have made ... boosts my self esteem.
Understanding that this will allow me to change my reality once I finally get those coveted letters behind my name is priceless and keeps me focused.
Knowing this is not an exercise in futility as some of my classmates fear ... is priceless.
Knowing it's improving who I am as
a woman
a wife
a mother
a citizen of Oklahoma
a citizen of the United States
a patient
a human
is unimaginable.
Being unsure of how this will all play out in the grand scheme of things .. a bit disconcerting.
Being unsure, at times, that physically this will work .. a bit disconcerting.
Being sure that I have no choice but to proceed because the what if's would haunt me forever ...comforting.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Friday, October 22, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
It's Official
Enrolled, student ID, all paper work turned in, set to start classes August 16 ... Abnormal Psych; Intro to Counseling; Sensory &Perception... Plus that dadgum intermediate algebra ... BUT as of this fall College Algebra is no longer required .. Math for Critical Thinking instead!
Thursday, July 08, 2010
In Today's Email
NSU-BA Application
From: Patty Kitchen
To: pearlsofaneagle
Date: Thu, Jul 8, 2010 9:48 am
ACCEPTANCE FOR FALL 2010
Congratulations on your admission and welcome to the Broken Arrow Campus of Northeastern State University. You will be receiving your printed acceptance letter by mail.
Academic Advisors work on an appointment basis only. Please call 918.449.6134 to set up your advisement appointment. We look forward to your phone call and seeing you on our campus.
Best Wishes,
Patty Kitchen
Admissions & Enrollment Specialist
Northeastern State University-Broken Arrow
www.nsuok.edu
From: Patty Kitchen
To: pearlsofaneagle
Date: Thu, Jul 8, 2010 9:48 am
ACCEPTANCE FOR FALL 2010
Congratulations on your admission and welcome to the Broken Arrow Campus of Northeastern State University. You will be receiving your printed acceptance letter by mail.
Academic Advisors work on an appointment basis only. Please call 918.449.6134 to set up your advisement appointment. We look forward to your phone call and seeing you on our campus.
Best Wishes,
Patty Kitchen
Admissions & Enrollment Specialist
Northeastern State University-Broken Arrow
www.nsuok.edu
Friday, May 07, 2010
JUNIOR
The spring semester of 2010 is under my belt.
I took Intermediate Algebra
Adult Psychology
Child Psychology
and Women's Studies.
The intermediate algebra, like beginning algebra, took the wind out of me. My professor reminded me that most students in the class have A) had algebra before B) they haven't been out of school as long (although most out at least 5 years) and therefore for them, it's a review. I never took Algebra at all, so for me, this is new information. AND it's been so many years since I had pre algebra (almost 33 years now) and most people take it in high school and have a full year to take what I took in 1 semester .. and adding to that, I managed to accidently get into an 8 week class ...so I had 36 weeks worth of information jammed into 8 ... and for me, it's not a review.
That made me feel better ...that and the fact that it's not a credit class, therefore it has no bearing on my GPA no matter what (not A nor F) So, I'll repeat these classes as necessary.
In Adult Psych I ended the semester with an average of
99.6%
Child Psych
95.7%
Women's Studies
98%
Between yet another semester on the President's Honor Roll and my induction into Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society as well as elected to Vice President of Service in Phi Theta Kappa ... I feel pretty good about the semester!
I'm also, as of now, a Junior. I went back to school 4 semesters ago feeling very anxious ...could I do this? Was I physically capable.
I rarely let onto how much doubt I felt ... but I was absolutely terrified.
I wanted my support system to know my passion and support that, not support my fear ... so I kept my fear to myself.
But this semester it has finally dawned on me that not only do I NEED to do this, but I, in fact, CAN do this and more importantly, SHOULD do this!
I took Intermediate Algebra
Adult Psychology
Child Psychology
and Women's Studies.
The intermediate algebra, like beginning algebra, took the wind out of me. My professor reminded me that most students in the class have A) had algebra before B) they haven't been out of school as long (although most out at least 5 years) and therefore for them, it's a review. I never took Algebra at all, so for me, this is new information. AND it's been so many years since I had pre algebra (almost 33 years now) and most people take it in high school and have a full year to take what I took in 1 semester .. and adding to that, I managed to accidently get into an 8 week class ...so I had 36 weeks worth of information jammed into 8 ... and for me, it's not a review.
That made me feel better ...that and the fact that it's not a credit class, therefore it has no bearing on my GPA no matter what (not A nor F) So, I'll repeat these classes as necessary.
In Adult Psych I ended the semester with an average of
99.6%
Child Psych
95.7%
Women's Studies
98%
Between yet another semester on the President's Honor Roll and my induction into Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society as well as elected to Vice President of Service in Phi Theta Kappa ... I feel pretty good about the semester!
I'm also, as of now, a Junior. I went back to school 4 semesters ago feeling very anxious ...could I do this? Was I physically capable.
I rarely let onto how much doubt I felt ... but I was absolutely terrified.
I wanted my support system to know my passion and support that, not support my fear ... so I kept my fear to myself.
But this semester it has finally dawned on me that not only do I NEED to do this, but I, in fact, CAN do this and more importantly, SHOULD do this!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
MAYBE I CAN?
A week from tomorrow I will have finished my last final for the semester. I will then have 63 hours ...which has me as a college Junior. When I started in August of 2008 I really had no idea if I could do this or not. I just knew I had to try.
I'm having odd feelings of "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel" and "oh my how far to go!"
But, in 5 semesters I should have my Bachelor's Degree. (probably a BS, but could be a BA, not sure at this point) Still have masters and Ph.D after that, but ...when I started I had a mere 23 hours and even getting to 60 hours seemed so far away ... I'm getting there ...slowly but surely!
I'm having odd feelings of "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel" and "oh my how far to go!"
But, in 5 semesters I should have my Bachelor's Degree. (probably a BS, but could be a BA, not sure at this point) Still have masters and Ph.D after that, but ...when I started I had a mere 23 hours and even getting to 60 hours seemed so far away ... I'm getting there ...slowly but surely!
Friday, April 16, 2010
No, Really, I asked you to take care of it for the fun of it...
Well, intermediate algebra was an 8 week class, so I finished that a few weeks ago.
I did not take the final, because I knew that even if I could get a C in the class (very doubtful) I had in no way shape or form learned enough to move on to College algebra. Me, in an 8 week class wasn't the smartest move I ever made. However, I did get a good introduction to the material, and know what I need to know to retake it. So maybe it was better to be tortured for 8 weeks instead of 16 weeks.
The final is school wide and done on a computerized program. The program costs $84. I chose to not use the program that I'd spent $84 on, and save it for my retake. It made no sense to use the $84 for a final for a class I needed to retake. (There was also my instructors determination to give me the grade my work effort gave, which would have been an A, but without passing the final with at least 50% the most he could give was a C. So he planned on giving me a C. I kept telling him that to do that would mean financial aid would not allow me to retake the class.) My instructor either would not, or could not see my delimma. I get that he was trying to be nice, and helpful, but he was really complicating things.
About 10 days ago, I recieved notice from the school. I was being billed for $700 and until they got the $700 they were blocking my records. This meant I could nto register for next year and I could not get my transcripts to complete my application to NSU. I had no idea why they were billing me for $700. Since I'd gotten full financial aid, there was nothing that hadn't been covered.
I go in and find out that the algebra instructor had put my status in as a WNA ...Withrawl Never Attended. This meant Financial Aide wanted their $700 back for the class I never took that they paid for. Only, I DID take it. I emailed the instructor and he waited till today to get back to me.
His reasoning is that a withdrawl is better on the transcript than an F ... yeah, if you're not on financial aide probation for having dropped too many classes in your
20's and if you drop a single class you will loose all financial aide until the year 2099 (yes, that's what they've told me). An F on a 'developmental class' or zero level class has no bearing on grades. None. An A on a developmental class also has no bearing on grades. They are zero credit classes and while they appear on transcripts, they do not in anyway shape or form effect the GPA. An F shows that I took the class. I DID attend the class, I just didn't PASS the class.
So, he emails me back and says that it's April 16, and do I really still need him to change this. Um, I sent you an email YESTERDAY asking for you to please address this. Nothing has happened int he last 24 hours to change that.
Anyway ... hopefully that will be taken care of soon so I can get into the good intermediate algebra class before it fills. If I wind up with a cruddy instructor because of this, I'm going to be less than pleased!
This semester I took an Online Adult Psych class. A women's Studies class and a child psych class and the 8 week algebra class. Today, I sent in my final essay for Adult Psych. This leaves me with just 6 hours a week. Women's studies and Child Psych. Which is nice because both have me with quite the work load.
Although, Tuesday I will turn in one essay and give a presentation and then only 2 tests and a major paper left.
Last semester I was in class 18 hours a week (for 13 hours credit) and this semester I'm in all of 6. Odd.
I do not like going just on Tuesdays and thursdays. I've learned I prefer the rhythm of the M-F.
For almost 3 weeks now I have been dealing with a severe headache. I'm getting tired of it ... my patience for my health issues are wearing thin. I guess somehow I thought if I went back to school, that would be the cure for what ails me. Not sure how I came to that conclusion.
I did not take the final, because I knew that even if I could get a C in the class (very doubtful) I had in no way shape or form learned enough to move on to College algebra. Me, in an 8 week class wasn't the smartest move I ever made. However, I did get a good introduction to the material, and know what I need to know to retake it. So maybe it was better to be tortured for 8 weeks instead of 16 weeks.
The final is school wide and done on a computerized program. The program costs $84. I chose to not use the program that I'd spent $84 on, and save it for my retake. It made no sense to use the $84 for a final for a class I needed to retake. (There was also my instructors determination to give me the grade my work effort gave, which would have been an A, but without passing the final with at least 50% the most he could give was a C. So he planned on giving me a C. I kept telling him that to do that would mean financial aid would not allow me to retake the class.) My instructor either would not, or could not see my delimma. I get that he was trying to be nice, and helpful, but he was really complicating things.
About 10 days ago, I recieved notice from the school. I was being billed for $700 and until they got the $700 they were blocking my records. This meant I could nto register for next year and I could not get my transcripts to complete my application to NSU. I had no idea why they were billing me for $700. Since I'd gotten full financial aid, there was nothing that hadn't been covered.
I go in and find out that the algebra instructor had put my status in as a WNA ...Withrawl Never Attended. This meant Financial Aide wanted their $700 back for the class I never took that they paid for. Only, I DID take it. I emailed the instructor and he waited till today to get back to me.
His reasoning is that a withdrawl is better on the transcript than an F ... yeah, if you're not on financial aide probation for having dropped too many classes in your
20's and if you drop a single class you will loose all financial aide until the year 2099 (yes, that's what they've told me). An F on a 'developmental class' or zero level class has no bearing on grades. None. An A on a developmental class also has no bearing on grades. They are zero credit classes and while they appear on transcripts, they do not in anyway shape or form effect the GPA. An F shows that I took the class. I DID attend the class, I just didn't PASS the class.
So, he emails me back and says that it's April 16, and do I really still need him to change this. Um, I sent you an email YESTERDAY asking for you to please address this. Nothing has happened int he last 24 hours to change that.
Anyway ... hopefully that will be taken care of soon so I can get into the good intermediate algebra class before it fills. If I wind up with a cruddy instructor because of this, I'm going to be less than pleased!
This semester I took an Online Adult Psych class. A women's Studies class and a child psych class and the 8 week algebra class. Today, I sent in my final essay for Adult Psych. This leaves me with just 6 hours a week. Women's studies and Child Psych. Which is nice because both have me with quite the work load.
Although, Tuesday I will turn in one essay and give a presentation and then only 2 tests and a major paper left.
Last semester I was in class 18 hours a week (for 13 hours credit) and this semester I'm in all of 6. Odd.
I do not like going just on Tuesdays and thursdays. I've learned I prefer the rhythm of the M-F.
For almost 3 weeks now I have been dealing with a severe headache. I'm getting tired of it ... my patience for my health issues are wearing thin. I guess somehow I thought if I went back to school, that would be the cure for what ails me. Not sure how I came to that conclusion.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Eyes Open, Heart Broken
I've posted about my sons issues ...over and over again.
I've been aware of what his problems are almost from birth.
But I'm not sure I ever SAW it.
I was sitting in the library today, with someone attempting to tutor me in algebra.
I was on the verge of tears ... I was worn out ...tired ... and overwhelmed.
As we were discussing something, I don't know what ... it hit me .. this feeling that Algebra gives me ...it's the only subject that can reduce me to a pile of tears ... it is only in working with algebra that I feel
stupid
confused
unprepared
unable
brainless
half witted
simple
slow
dull
dumb
I could go on ..and yes, I do understand, intellectually that those adjectives do not apply to me ... most of them anyway (no one can deny that I'm unprepared for this or that I'm confused ...). I know I'm not stupid, dumb or brainless but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm sitting in a class full of people who are GETTING IT and everything might as well be taking place in French for all I understand. (I might understand more in French than Algebriac!)
It hit me ...my son has an IQ of 80, he has auditory and visual processing disorder, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome ...
Federal laws require students to work at CHRONILOGICAL Grade level rather than FUNCTIONAL grade level. He's working on 11th grade work with a 5th grade reading level. Take a 10 year old, throw them into school with Juniors and watch them succeed ...not!
This is how he feels, every minute of every school day ..and has for his whole school career! (which started at age 3 and he's now 18)
Wow ... while this will probably help me when I get to my degree and work with kids with issues ... I get it ... but what does it do for me as a mom who can't seem to help her son ...
I get it, my eyes are open ...but it breaks my heart that things are this hard!
I've been aware of what his problems are almost from birth.
But I'm not sure I ever SAW it.
I was sitting in the library today, with someone attempting to tutor me in algebra.
I was on the verge of tears ... I was worn out ...tired ... and overwhelmed.
As we were discussing something, I don't know what ... it hit me .. this feeling that Algebra gives me ...it's the only subject that can reduce me to a pile of tears ... it is only in working with algebra that I feel
stupid
confused
unprepared
unable
brainless
half witted
simple
slow
dull
dumb
I could go on ..and yes, I do understand, intellectually that those adjectives do not apply to me ... most of them anyway (no one can deny that I'm unprepared for this or that I'm confused ...). I know I'm not stupid, dumb or brainless but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm sitting in a class full of people who are GETTING IT and everything might as well be taking place in French for all I understand. (I might understand more in French than Algebriac!)
It hit me ...my son has an IQ of 80, he has auditory and visual processing disorder, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome ...
Federal laws require students to work at CHRONILOGICAL Grade level rather than FUNCTIONAL grade level. He's working on 11th grade work with a 5th grade reading level. Take a 10 year old, throw them into school with Juniors and watch them succeed ...not!
This is how he feels, every minute of every school day ..and has for his whole school career! (which started at age 3 and he's now 18)
Wow ... while this will probably help me when I get to my degree and work with kids with issues ... I get it ... but what does it do for me as a mom who can't seem to help her son ...
I get it, my eyes are open ...but it breaks my heart that things are this hard!
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Why I'm working so hard.
A year and a half ago, I had a long, drawn out conversation with the children's minister at our church. I was unable to convince her that the children with special needs were not getting their basic needs met, much less spiritual or ministry to the family. She simply would not believe that they were not meeting all the needs. (this same minister had done an incredible job with my children going through her program. So when I stepped down from worship ministry to work with the kids, I was quite alarmed at the changes and the lack of patience, kindness and basic respect for these children and their families!)
She insisted that all was being done and they were being treated appropriately, the families were being ministered to, not judged. (then why were all the families of special needs children coming to me in tears begging for help?!? I did not base my conversation with her soley on the parents response (but in part) but in my own observation of how the CHILDREN and PARENTS were being treated by both staff and volunteers ... and the realization that if we'd been treated that way we'd have been out of there! 18 months later, of the 8 children with special needs, from 7 families ... 1 remains. The families left the church.
I got off the phone with her, and turned to my husband, rather frustrated and said "I'm going to back to school to become a child psychologist so I can do this right!" And 2 days later I was enrolled at my school and had applied for financial aide.
This week, the 1 mom remaining called me, she was heart broken over the trouble with school. A lack of services (read back to more than 3 years ago in this blog and you'll see several posts of issues with special education services in the district she lived in. Our primary reason for moving where we did!!) A lack of help/support in the church and finger pointing that if she'd be a better mother she'd have a better kid. I got that from the school, frequently, I did not ever get that from the church. It saddens me that her support system consists of her husband, her parents, and myself (and I'm not at that church anymore .. this conversation in April was the beginning of the end of a 10 year membership. I'd loved the church so much, it took me 3 months to actually leave after we decided to go)
As I helped her to put the pieces together for the IEP meeting in the morning, I was charged up anew over my mission in school. (I had a test in Psychology the next morning and was floundering with the information)
Then, this weekend a conversation with someone else over behavioral issues with the teenager in the home. The realization that there was more going on than teenager issues, and that help was needed left me axious to be able to do more ..and glad I was doing more! I also had some helpful things that came directly from the classes I've taken or am taking that she can put into place while she tries to get professional help.
Sometimes I get lost in the 'need' to get straight A's and forget that the reason I want A's is so that I've learned all that I can out of the class ...and be the best I can be for the families I will serve.
The only question I have is ...will my heart be able to take it when I see the broken hearted parents?
She insisted that all was being done and they were being treated appropriately, the families were being ministered to, not judged. (then why were all the families of special needs children coming to me in tears begging for help?!? I did not base my conversation with her soley on the parents response (but in part) but in my own observation of how the CHILDREN and PARENTS were being treated by both staff and volunteers ... and the realization that if we'd been treated that way we'd have been out of there! 18 months later, of the 8 children with special needs, from 7 families ... 1 remains. The families left the church.
I got off the phone with her, and turned to my husband, rather frustrated and said "I'm going to back to school to become a child psychologist so I can do this right!" And 2 days later I was enrolled at my school and had applied for financial aide.
This week, the 1 mom remaining called me, she was heart broken over the trouble with school. A lack of services (read back to more than 3 years ago in this blog and you'll see several posts of issues with special education services in the district she lived in. Our primary reason for moving where we did!!) A lack of help/support in the church and finger pointing that if she'd be a better mother she'd have a better kid. I got that from the school, frequently, I did not ever get that from the church. It saddens me that her support system consists of her husband, her parents, and myself (and I'm not at that church anymore .. this conversation in April was the beginning of the end of a 10 year membership. I'd loved the church so much, it took me 3 months to actually leave after we decided to go)
As I helped her to put the pieces together for the IEP meeting in the morning, I was charged up anew over my mission in school. (I had a test in Psychology the next morning and was floundering with the information)
Then, this weekend a conversation with someone else over behavioral issues with the teenager in the home. The realization that there was more going on than teenager issues, and that help was needed left me axious to be able to do more ..and glad I was doing more! I also had some helpful things that came directly from the classes I've taken or am taking that she can put into place while she tries to get professional help.
Sometimes I get lost in the 'need' to get straight A's and forget that the reason I want A's is so that I've learned all that I can out of the class ...and be the best I can be for the families I will serve.
The only question I have is ...will my heart be able to take it when I see the broken hearted parents?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monthly (?) Update
I'm such a terrible blogger. I can't quite give up my blog, but I rarely post ... sigh.
I'm completely enjoying my Biology class (oddly enough) and not enjoying my Personality Theories class at all. I realized today that NSU requires an A in Personality Theories to be accepted to their masters program (glad I found that out now not later!) and they require a B in Abnormal Psychology ...other than that, they just ask for a 3.0 GPA.
I've got an A in Biology (I'm working my butt off there ...about 3 hours per night!) and a B in Personality Theories (and spending very little time on this class) As much as I'm enjoying my biology (and need to put that much time in it to get an A) I think I better switch my focus, be willing to accept a B in bio ...and get to work on my Pers. Theor. Class!!! o.0
It is so boring! The text is bad ...works faster than ambien to put me to sleep and the professor is a 1st semester prof who has never taught before ...laid back, unorganized and well ... easy to tone out (especially since half his lecture time is spent reading directly from the text book!)
I like my speech class ...we'll see if after next Tuesday I feel the same way when I give a 7 minute speech!
Just started my 8 week philosophy class. I think I'll enjoy it ... but the added 6 hours per week to my schedule could be a bit physically daunting ... I'll be in class M-S and Fridays I'm in Bio from 11-12 and philosophy from 6 pm to 9 pm. (the second class is S 9 am to noon)
I really have no time in my life for anything but books and class ....
I'm completely enjoying my Biology class (oddly enough) and not enjoying my Personality Theories class at all. I realized today that NSU requires an A in Personality Theories to be accepted to their masters program (glad I found that out now not later!) and they require a B in Abnormal Psychology ...other than that, they just ask for a 3.0 GPA.
I've got an A in Biology (I'm working my butt off there ...about 3 hours per night!) and a B in Personality Theories (and spending very little time on this class) As much as I'm enjoying my biology (and need to put that much time in it to get an A) I think I better switch my focus, be willing to accept a B in bio ...and get to work on my Pers. Theor. Class!!! o.0
It is so boring! The text is bad ...works faster than ambien to put me to sleep and the professor is a 1st semester prof who has never taught before ...laid back, unorganized and well ... easy to tone out (especially since half his lecture time is spent reading directly from the text book!)
I like my speech class ...we'll see if after next Tuesday I feel the same way when I give a 7 minute speech!
Just started my 8 week philosophy class. I think I'll enjoy it ... but the added 6 hours per week to my schedule could be a bit physically daunting ... I'll be in class M-S and Fridays I'm in Bio from 11-12 and philosophy from 6 pm to 9 pm. (the second class is S 9 am to noon)
I really have no time in my life for anything but books and class ....
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
WOWOWOWOWOW
Ok, it's been a long time since I've posted and this will be short. I've got a raging UTI and not feeling my best. Top that off, I fell down the last 4 steps on the stairs at school today.
I have, technically, one week left of school. However, I have no classes and my social psych final on monday.
The rest ... taken care of. My nutrition final was this past monday and ... tada! I don't have to take either the sociology OR the ALGEBRA final.
Why? because I have an A on the final! an A!! ME .. an A in algebra... I'm totally stunned ...
and thrilled ...
wish I could type more but ..my body needs to lay down
I have, technically, one week left of school. However, I have no classes and my social psych final on monday.
The rest ... taken care of. My nutrition final was this past monday and ... tada! I don't have to take either the sociology OR the ALGEBRA final.
Why? because I have an A on the final! an A!! ME .. an A in algebra... I'm totally stunned ...
and thrilled ...
wish I could type more but ..my body needs to lay down
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
School ...
Well ... last week we had an algebra homework assignment. Shocked myself by getting 100% correct.
Today we had an algebra test ... I begged him to 'look at it real quick' for me, since he was my professor last semester, he knew how much it meant.
He grinned and said "you missed parts of 4 ... it'll be in the 80's"
a B!!!
Pk got a B in algebra on a TEST!!!!!
Sociology ...ugh. It's been hard. He's been using Durkheim's research on suicide to explain Sociological research patterns.
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide ... I've heard the word so often you'd think I'd be desensitized to it ... I'm not. The anniversary of Daddy's death is Thursday. I guess I will always be bothered by suicide.
Nutrition ... geeps. Well, professor now knows my history. She figured it out. It does feel far less stressful to have her KNOW I've got an eating disorder than to be sitting in there feeling like a fraud.
I'm going to be in a bit of trouble when I show my newest assignment to the therapist tomorrow. The last 7 days of my dietary intake. I swear I thought I was doing better. When I started to see Leslie (therapist that got yanked from under me) in May of 2007, I told her I was eating about 800 calories a day. I am now seeing Lindsey and told her I'm doing significantly better. I guess that food is still a huge issue for me, because I've underestimated caloric intake ...dramatically.
Calorie Assessment
A close-up picture of the Calories consumed.
Profile Info
Personal: Peggikaye Female 44 yrs 5 ft 2 in *** lb
Day(s): 1/28/09, 1/29/09, 1/30/09, 1/31/09, 2/1/09, 2/2/09, 2/3/09
Activity Level: Low Active
Strive for an Active activity level.
Weight Lose: 2 lb per week
Best not to exceed 2 lbs per week.
BMI: **.*
Calories to maintain current weight
Calories to maintain current weight
2771
Calorie adjustment for weight change of 2 lb (per week)
-1000
Goal Calories
1771
Average Daily Intake & Expenditures
Average Intake
727
Calories For The Day
Goal
Intake
Assessment
Total Calories
1771
727
Below Goal
Carbohydrates (45-65% Calories)
796 to 1150
395
Below Goal
Protein (10-35% Calories)
177 to 620
156
Below Goal
Fat (20-35% Calories)
354 to 620
176
Below Goal
*********************************************
ok, so that's an average for a week. Maybe the 'malnutrition' the doctors keep hounding me about has less to do with gastroperisis and more to do with me than I thought.
Social Psychology loving my class. Same professor as developmental psych. She's very encouraging. I got to talk with her for about an hour after class on Monday. First, she said I'm definitely in the right career path (goal wise) and then we somehow came on the subject of my eating disorder (geesh, it's haunting me!)
She asked me a lot of questions, I think as an educator as much as interest in me myself.
But, we both agreed that it is something I've got to get a handle on ...
She made the remark that it must be making school far more difficult (both the energy wasting on it, avoiding food or any other such behavior) as well as not getting enough nutrtition to support the brain. Not to mention the continued damage possibly being done to my body. (ok, so she left off the word possibly)
We talked about it not being very practical for a psychologist to have such a difficult hold on oneself. It wouldn't look right if I passed out in front of a family I was trying to help. I agreed.
SSoooooo now my report on my last weeks food intake is my this weeks assignment. Maybe some of the reality of it will start taking hold.
Today we had an algebra test ... I begged him to 'look at it real quick' for me, since he was my professor last semester, he knew how much it meant.
He grinned and said "you missed parts of 4 ... it'll be in the 80's"
a B!!!
Pk got a B in algebra on a TEST!!!!!
Sociology ...ugh. It's been hard. He's been using Durkheim's research on suicide to explain Sociological research patterns.
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide ... I've heard the word so often you'd think I'd be desensitized to it ... I'm not. The anniversary of Daddy's death is Thursday. I guess I will always be bothered by suicide.
Nutrition ... geeps. Well, professor now knows my history. She figured it out. It does feel far less stressful to have her KNOW I've got an eating disorder than to be sitting in there feeling like a fraud.
I'm going to be in a bit of trouble when I show my newest assignment to the therapist tomorrow. The last 7 days of my dietary intake. I swear I thought I was doing better. When I started to see Leslie (therapist that got yanked from under me) in May of 2007, I told her I was eating about 800 calories a day. I am now seeing Lindsey and told her I'm doing significantly better. I guess that food is still a huge issue for me, because I've underestimated caloric intake ...dramatically.
Calorie Assessment
A close-up picture of the Calories consumed.
Profile Info
Personal: Peggikaye Female 44 yrs 5 ft 2 in *** lb
Day(s): 1/28/09, 1/29/09, 1/30/09, 1/31/09, 2/1/09, 2/2/09, 2/3/09
Activity Level: Low Active
Strive for an Active activity level.
Weight Lose: 2 lb per week
Best not to exceed 2 lbs per week.
BMI: **.*
Calories to maintain current weight
Calories to maintain current weight
2771
Calorie adjustment for weight change of 2 lb (per week)
-1000
Goal Calories
1771
Average Daily Intake & Expenditures
Average Intake
727
Calories For The Day
Goal
Intake
Assessment
Total Calories
1771
727
Below Goal
Carbohydrates (45-65% Calories)
796 to 1150
395
Below Goal
Protein (10-35% Calories)
177 to 620
156
Below Goal
Fat (20-35% Calories)
354 to 620
176
Below Goal
*********************************************
ok, so that's an average for a week. Maybe the 'malnutrition' the doctors keep hounding me about has less to do with gastroperisis and more to do with me than I thought.
Social Psychology loving my class. Same professor as developmental psych. She's very encouraging. I got to talk with her for about an hour after class on Monday. First, she said I'm definitely in the right career path (goal wise) and then we somehow came on the subject of my eating disorder (geesh, it's haunting me!)
She asked me a lot of questions, I think as an educator as much as interest in me myself.
But, we both agreed that it is something I've got to get a handle on ...
She made the remark that it must be making school far more difficult (both the energy wasting on it, avoiding food or any other such behavior) as well as not getting enough nutrtition to support the brain. Not to mention the continued damage possibly being done to my body. (ok, so she left off the word possibly)
We talked about it not being very practical for a psychologist to have such a difficult hold on oneself. It wouldn't look right if I passed out in front of a family I was trying to help. I agreed.
SSoooooo now my report on my last weeks food intake is my this weeks assignment. Maybe some of the reality of it will start taking hold.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Classes
Well, this semester is certainly going to be interesting. Taking the same psychology professor with the idea of "knowing what to expect" backfired! Her social psych class is far more detailed, and has more work than Dev. Psych. (I thought she was a passionate instructor about Developmental Psych ... however compared with her passion for Social Psych, she paled by comparisson. This, is a good thing)
My nutrition class is going to be difficult, both work wise and emotionally. I expected a class that was a biology based class on Nutrition (description of class gave me that idea, it's a biology course) However, this class is SO personalized. It does not seem to be about nutrition in general, however, but about MY nutritional habits, etc. Today, I skipped class deciding that I was not going to do the body fat analysis in front of the whole class. Just too personal of information and quite frankly, none of my classmates business!
I'm not quite sure that it's my professors business, nutrition class or not. She's not my medical team, my eating disorder treatment team, she is my PROFESSOR. Having my body fat/weight and other medical information is really quite intrusive.
All the nutrition classes at the school do it this way. It's too late for me to drop out without complications from financial aide.
My Sociology class is going to be quite the ride. zzzzzzzzzz wake me when it's over please!! Lecture only and no class discussion or interaction between students and professor. Top that off with 3/4 of what he says makes no sense (if I'd not read the book, I'd have NO idea what he was trying to get acrossed!) and then he says "OK?" at the end of every sentence! To keep myself focused (literally) I tag marked each and every OK on Tuesday's lecture ... 170 OK?'s in one hour!!! Seriously! That's the ones I caught! It did help me stay focused on what he was saying, because he's very easy to tone out.
He hit some buttons too ... first he says "NEVER ever generalize or use stereotypes"
Then he calls the class "kids"
He then informed the class that none of 'you kids' remember not having cell phones, microwaves and you don't even know what a cassette is!
Um ... dude ... (yes, I used dude because he's so young and drove me nuts) I remember when we got our first microwave, I remember black and white TV, and I was graduated from high school before I ever laid eyes on a VCR (beta!). Cell phones, no, not everyone has one, despite your comment that 'absolutely everybody these days have a cell phone' and please please please stop assuming that we are all the same, with the same memories and same desires ...there are 18 to at least 44 year olds (me) in the class and I know ages inbetween (my friend Teresa, age 32 is in the class with me) (by the way, we got our microwave the year Teresa was born, I was in junior high)
ARGH! And top it off, the BIGGEST event to effect american SOCIETY and especially politics in MY lifetime (born after Kennedy's assasination) happened yesterday and you (an african american professor) didn't even MENTION it
Ok ... then algebra, same class I did so poorly in last semester. Off to a good start so far, really am. Hopeful. Not nearly as stressed in class or doing homework ...
oddly enough, Algebra may prove to be my favorite class this semester, how twisted would that be?
My nutrition class is going to be difficult, both work wise and emotionally. I expected a class that was a biology based class on Nutrition (description of class gave me that idea, it's a biology course) However, this class is SO personalized. It does not seem to be about nutrition in general, however, but about MY nutritional habits, etc. Today, I skipped class deciding that I was not going to do the body fat analysis in front of the whole class. Just too personal of information and quite frankly, none of my classmates business!
I'm not quite sure that it's my professors business, nutrition class or not. She's not my medical team, my eating disorder treatment team, she is my PROFESSOR. Having my body fat/weight and other medical information is really quite intrusive.
All the nutrition classes at the school do it this way. It's too late for me to drop out without complications from financial aide.
My Sociology class is going to be quite the ride. zzzzzzzzzz wake me when it's over please!! Lecture only and no class discussion or interaction between students and professor. Top that off with 3/4 of what he says makes no sense (if I'd not read the book, I'd have NO idea what he was trying to get acrossed!) and then he says "OK?" at the end of every sentence! To keep myself focused (literally) I tag marked each and every OK on Tuesday's lecture ... 170 OK?'s in one hour!!! Seriously! That's the ones I caught! It did help me stay focused on what he was saying, because he's very easy to tone out.
He hit some buttons too ... first he says "NEVER ever generalize or use stereotypes"
Then he calls the class "kids"
He then informed the class that none of 'you kids' remember not having cell phones, microwaves and you don't even know what a cassette is!
Um ... dude ... (yes, I used dude because he's so young and drove me nuts) I remember when we got our first microwave, I remember black and white TV, and I was graduated from high school before I ever laid eyes on a VCR (beta!). Cell phones, no, not everyone has one, despite your comment that 'absolutely everybody these days have a cell phone' and please please please stop assuming that we are all the same, with the same memories and same desires ...there are 18 to at least 44 year olds (me) in the class and I know ages inbetween (my friend Teresa, age 32 is in the class with me) (by the way, we got our microwave the year Teresa was born, I was in junior high)
ARGH! And top it off, the BIGGEST event to effect american SOCIETY and especially politics in MY lifetime (born after Kennedy's assasination) happened yesterday and you (an african american professor) didn't even MENTION it
Ok ... then algebra, same class I did so poorly in last semester. Off to a good start so far, really am. Hopeful. Not nearly as stressed in class or doing homework ...
oddly enough, Algebra may prove to be my favorite class this semester, how twisted would that be?
Saturday, November 01, 2008
5 weeks to go
There are 5 weeks left in my return to school. Well, 5 weeks left in the first semester of my return to school. Can't even imagine how long this process will take. I try to not think about that.
This semester has just flown by. Some great moments, some really tough moments ..but over all, I'm very glad I made this decision.
The hardest part has been the algebra. I've really struggled with it ..and the realization that there is more to it than my just not liking it ...has been rather eye opening.
Some realization that ...
my 'stubborn streak' as a teenager was less stubborn and more fear.
this really *IS* difficult for my brain, I'm not just being lazy or stubborn.
I still have to get past this.
Has made for an interesting few weeks as I've adjusted to the knowlege that I've got a math learning disability.
Some of the clues given to me, and some of the tutoring has helped, at least in the homework ... I still failed my 3rd test. There is no way for me to pull this grade out of the fire.
I'm going to talk, this week, to my professor about taking an incomplete, then auditing his class next semester, and then finishing it during that class. Maybe ..maybe I can make some sense out of it.
I know that even if I could pull my grade out of the fire, I am in no way shape or form ready to move on ... I don't 'get it' enough.
They'll move on faster than I am ready to move on, I need more time for this.
I'm hoping he'll agree to this, it's the only way around financial aides refusal to allow a student to repeat a class ...
The other frustrating factor is ... financial aide. It's still not in for this semester, much less next. I can't even register for next semester's classes (Which are filling at a remarkable pace) because they have a hold on me, because financial aide hasn't been granted.
Why? Because they messed up and saw the hold that we took care of before school ...whoever went to package my financial aid saw the hold from this summer ...and put it in the reject file.
Only problem with reject pile ..they wait till they finish everyone's financial aide, then go and send the letters of rejection. (and that makes sense because ???? you want to give students 2 weeks to come up with other means of paying for classes they've already taken and thought financial aide would cover it ...)
So, I went to find out why my son had financial aide ...and I didn't ...and we submitted on the same day.
That's when we found out about the rejection. Um ..only there was NO HOLD!!! I'd taken care of the hold ... (a defaulted student loan, 21 years old ... from a trade school that got in trouble with the government for taking advantage of students ...so much trouble they were shut down!!)
regardless, the default was taken care of ..and I was no longer on hold ... but the person who went to package me saw the 'default hold' and yet ... failed to read farther to see I was no longer in default! They just plopped me in the reject file!
This semester has just flown by. Some great moments, some really tough moments ..but over all, I'm very glad I made this decision.
The hardest part has been the algebra. I've really struggled with it ..and the realization that there is more to it than my just not liking it ...has been rather eye opening.
Some realization that ...
my 'stubborn streak' as a teenager was less stubborn and more fear.
this really *IS* difficult for my brain, I'm not just being lazy or stubborn.
I still have to get past this.
Has made for an interesting few weeks as I've adjusted to the knowlege that I've got a math learning disability.
Some of the clues given to me, and some of the tutoring has helped, at least in the homework ... I still failed my 3rd test. There is no way for me to pull this grade out of the fire.
I'm going to talk, this week, to my professor about taking an incomplete, then auditing his class next semester, and then finishing it during that class. Maybe ..maybe I can make some sense out of it.
I know that even if I could pull my grade out of the fire, I am in no way shape or form ready to move on ... I don't 'get it' enough.
They'll move on faster than I am ready to move on, I need more time for this.
I'm hoping he'll agree to this, it's the only way around financial aides refusal to allow a student to repeat a class ...
The other frustrating factor is ... financial aide. It's still not in for this semester, much less next. I can't even register for next semester's classes (Which are filling at a remarkable pace) because they have a hold on me, because financial aide hasn't been granted.
Why? Because they messed up and saw the hold that we took care of before school ...whoever went to package my financial aid saw the hold from this summer ...and put it in the reject file.
Only problem with reject pile ..they wait till they finish everyone's financial aide, then go and send the letters of rejection. (and that makes sense because ???? you want to give students 2 weeks to come up with other means of paying for classes they've already taken and thought financial aide would cover it ...)
So, I went to find out why my son had financial aide ...and I didn't ...and we submitted on the same day.
That's when we found out about the rejection. Um ..only there was NO HOLD!!! I'd taken care of the hold ... (a defaulted student loan, 21 years old ... from a trade school that got in trouble with the government for taking advantage of students ...so much trouble they were shut down!!)
regardless, the default was taken care of ..and I was no longer on hold ... but the person who went to package me saw the 'default hold' and yet ... failed to read farther to see I was no longer in default! They just plopped me in the reject file!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Balance
Today I realized that my body is yelling at me. Rather loudly. The week before school started I came down with a rather nasty cough, fever ...yada yada yada ... it took 2 rounds of antibiotics to get through it. I'm still .. STILL coughing. I can't talk very much without resorting to coughing. I wake up at night ...coughing. It's not waking up doing my normal MG-- choking --on --my--own-- saliva -- choking ...but coughing! Sigh. It's not bad enough to go back to the doctor or another round of antibiotics. It's just a residual cough that sometimes hangs on for too long when a body has a hard time ridding itself of an infection. Since I'm not relapsing, the assumption is that the infection is gone ..and it is the residual cough.
The first week of school, first round of antibiotics, I started to improve, then within 48 hours of being off the antibiotics I was back to sky high fever and cough worse than the first time. THAT ...was a relapse of the infection.
This ... just won't go away ... cough hack cough hack cough hack.
I sound like a lifetime smoker.
Seriously. It is that smoker's hack. But I don't smoke.
The MG is playing tricks on me ...knees buckling while I'm walking, eyes going double about twice as often as they normally would. To be expected with the increase of activities and use of muscle.
The idea when going back to school was that I would make adjustments in home activities ...to allow for increased at school ... only ... I didn't.
So on top of adding hours and stress of school ... I kept up my load at home.
Whoops.
Soooooo as of today, I'm putting in a new plan of action. Some intentional eye rest every day, not on the computer, not watching TV, and not necessarily sleeping, but ...closed eyes. Making sure that I wear my eye patches if I'm studying and my eyes are tired ...taking a proactive role in taking care of my body. I've got a long road to hoe ...and I have put the proper care techniques into the pattern of my DNA NOW. If I wait till I crash and burn, it will be too late.
I do not want to go crash, burn, recover, crash burn recover ... that is my normal cycle. When I don't have school, that might have worked to go to bed for 3 or 4 days ..but I can't afford that anymore.
I'm having some trouble sleeping, but I am trying to make sure I'm resting anyway. That is making a difference.
The biggest issue with school is my struggle with algebra. OH BROTHER OH MY!
If only Mr Biegel were her to help me now! (7th grade math teacher, my favorite all time teacher ... sigh)
This last week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. My mom totalled her car on the 10th, my son totalled our car on the 11th. Mom's was her fault. She shouldn't have been driving because of a right leg injury and was driving with her left foot. She pulled into a parking spot at the public library and went to step on the brake and instead stomped on the gas.
She ran over a tree, over a bike rack and into a light pole. Thank God there were NO children nearby!
Samuel's accident wasn't his fault, exactly. He was driving on the expressway, and got cut off by a wreckless driver going 80 mph in the heavy rain (not just heavy rain, heavy wind and rain ala IKE). The truck cut him off and he had the choice of veering off away from traffic or into traffic. When he chose to go away from traffic, he lost control of the car. He hydroplaned, turned a few 360's and hit the retaining wall (solid cement) backwards ... facing traffic coming at him full speed at him on the freeway.
The not his fault exactly .. simply put is .. a more exprienced driver (IE ..Adult) would not have been in that lane .. and one of the things he said, very frustrated, almost in tears of defense was
"but DAD! I wasn't even going 65!"
(driver's ed drilled into the kids ... when it's raining .. don't go 65, as if that's the magic number to keep you from hydroplaning?)
The reality was ... he had no business being in that center lane ... and he certainly had no business being in the center lane NOT going 65 mph ... and if the weather conditions meant he couldn't go 65 ..then DO NOT go into that lane!
Personally, I think a teenaged driver should stay out of that passing lane! They just don't have the experience for it!
Long story short, he didn't have enough driving YEARS to know all of this information ... he does now. I didn't know it at 18 ... I didn't learn that stuff in drivers ed, and no one told me. I learned it through close calls and watching ... I got lucky. My son, did too...just not as lucky as I was.
I'm blessed that all we lost was our car! I get sick when I think about my son plowing into that wall! I want to strangle the man who callously cut off a teenaged driver going 80 mph in the rain ...just what was so important that you had to risk my sons life?
The first week of school, first round of antibiotics, I started to improve, then within 48 hours of being off the antibiotics I was back to sky high fever and cough worse than the first time. THAT ...was a relapse of the infection.
This ... just won't go away ... cough hack cough hack cough hack.
I sound like a lifetime smoker.
Seriously. It is that smoker's hack. But I don't smoke.
The MG is playing tricks on me ...knees buckling while I'm walking, eyes going double about twice as often as they normally would. To be expected with the increase of activities and use of muscle.
The idea when going back to school was that I would make adjustments in home activities ...to allow for increased at school ... only ... I didn't.
So on top of adding hours and stress of school ... I kept up my load at home.
Whoops.
Soooooo as of today, I'm putting in a new plan of action. Some intentional eye rest every day, not on the computer, not watching TV, and not necessarily sleeping, but ...closed eyes. Making sure that I wear my eye patches if I'm studying and my eyes are tired ...taking a proactive role in taking care of my body. I've got a long road to hoe ...and I have put the proper care techniques into the pattern of my DNA NOW. If I wait till I crash and burn, it will be too late.
I do not want to go crash, burn, recover, crash burn recover ... that is my normal cycle. When I don't have school, that might have worked to go to bed for 3 or 4 days ..but I can't afford that anymore.
I'm having some trouble sleeping, but I am trying to make sure I'm resting anyway. That is making a difference.
The biggest issue with school is my struggle with algebra. OH BROTHER OH MY!
If only Mr Biegel were her to help me now! (7th grade math teacher, my favorite all time teacher ... sigh)
This last week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. My mom totalled her car on the 10th, my son totalled our car on the 11th. Mom's was her fault. She shouldn't have been driving because of a right leg injury and was driving with her left foot. She pulled into a parking spot at the public library and went to step on the brake and instead stomped on the gas.
She ran over a tree, over a bike rack and into a light pole. Thank God there were NO children nearby!
Samuel's accident wasn't his fault, exactly. He was driving on the expressway, and got cut off by a wreckless driver going 80 mph in the heavy rain (not just heavy rain, heavy wind and rain ala IKE). The truck cut him off and he had the choice of veering off away from traffic or into traffic. When he chose to go away from traffic, he lost control of the car. He hydroplaned, turned a few 360's and hit the retaining wall (solid cement) backwards ... facing traffic coming at him full speed at him on the freeway.
The not his fault exactly .. simply put is .. a more exprienced driver (IE ..Adult) would not have been in that lane .. and one of the things he said, very frustrated, almost in tears of defense was
"but DAD! I wasn't even going 65!"
(driver's ed drilled into the kids ... when it's raining .. don't go 65, as if that's the magic number to keep you from hydroplaning?)
The reality was ... he had no business being in that center lane ... and he certainly had no business being in the center lane NOT going 65 mph ... and if the weather conditions meant he couldn't go 65 ..then DO NOT go into that lane!
Personally, I think a teenaged driver should stay out of that passing lane! They just don't have the experience for it!
Long story short, he didn't have enough driving YEARS to know all of this information ... he does now. I didn't know it at 18 ... I didn't learn that stuff in drivers ed, and no one told me. I learned it through close calls and watching ... I got lucky. My son, did too...just not as lucky as I was.
I'm blessed that all we lost was our car! I get sick when I think about my son plowing into that wall! I want to strangle the man who callously cut off a teenaged driver going 80 mph in the rain ...just what was so important that you had to risk my sons life?
Saturday, September 06, 2008
It's Saturday
I've spent a good part of the last 24 hours sleeping. Although, I did go to Macy's and got 2 pair of pants with pockets. I learned that a majority of my pants/capri's/skirts ... had no pockets. ... didnt' need them when all I do is go to grocery store/church/doctor appointments.
I definitely need them at school !!
This week at school has been quite the week. Monday, a holiday did nothing to make it seem shorter! I had a Humanities test on Wednesday and an Algebra test on Thursday. Because the Humanities teacher did not have the tests back for us on Friday, nor posted on blackboard (electronic webpage where our grades are supposed to be posted) I've got no idea how I did on the humanities test.
It will be Tuesday before I know the Algebra test. Our first homework was due on last Tuesday, that wasn't handed back in before the test, so I wasn't sure how I'd done on that before taking the test ... yuck
The humanities test was more difficult to study for than I'd anticipated. The teacher, who is nice, but has more of an artistic bent to her mindset than I do, thinks on a totally different plane ...and I found her outline for the test difficult to study from.
At first, I thought it was *ME* and being out of school for almost 20 years, then showed my son ..and realized ...oh no! It's not me ... it's ..well ... it's the way she thinks and the way I think.
Unfortunately, we got the outline on a Tuesday night, and I figured out her 'outline' and how it related to the book ...the night before the test a full WEEK after recieving the outline!!! I spent HOURS trying to get seemingly random facts into my brain which actually were not out of order, nor random ...just ... she and I approach things totally different!! YIKES!
So, next test, I'll know!!! Hopefully, my familiarity with the Renaissance era will have gotten me through. The infuriating thing was not her study tools, nor her teaching ..nor anything but my blessed stupidity ... and breaking the first rule of test taking.
Extra credit ...was identifying a picture ... Couldn't remember the name, so I didn't stress, figured I'd get half credit for putting down the painter ... put down who I thought it was ... and wrote it down ..then thought ..nah.... it's that guy back there from question 3 ...... (who was not the right answer in question 3, but just there as a choice) ...so I erased MY gut instinct ...and ... wrote down the extra name from question 3 ...only
I was right the first time.
ARGHARGH ARGH ARGH... I have known since I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD DO NOT ERASE YOUR GUT INSTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She threw me with a trick question, although I got it right. She asked about the printing press and what it did for the people of the renaissance. She had one question totally wrong, and then 2 identical answers. Except the year ...one year .. in the 1300 (important to church history) and one year in the 1400's .. my brain, having had lots of Bible/church history ... split in two as I tried to figure out ..which was which!
I answered correctly *whew*
Then came the algebra test. While I've been known to have a few panic attacks. I know few people with eating disorders who've not had them on occassion. Most of mine are in fact, food related, therapy related or the such. The last time someone actually SAW me have a panic attack ... I was about 21. I'm 43 .... I've since learned to pretty well internalize them (granted, the end result does some pretty good self punishment ...but still ...my panic attacks are not visible)
So Wednesday night, Don tries to help me ... and I'm in tears, repeatidly. He and I don't quite see eye to eye. He also doesn't understand that when he says "you're smart enough to get this if you'd just focus" that all that does is to serve to make me feel even more stupid than I'm already feeling for not understanding what I'm doing wrong and I really really really REALLY don't get this. His getting angry because I've just done 3 problems 'just like it' (um, no, they weren't they did not look anything like it to me, just because they did to him, did not mean they did to me) ...
Keep in mind ... I NEVER took algebra, not even a semester of it ... so it's not like it's been 30 years since i took it and I've forgotten it ... I never HAD it. I'm learning all of this for the first time. Pre algebra was in 7th grade ...and that my friends ...was a very very long time ago and I don't remember anything from it except that I had the best teacher in the world and that Russell Sellers was in my class and was the cutest boy in the 7th grade and he was my boyfriend and he'd picked ME over all the other girls.
That's ...not much to go on 31 years later!
So, I'm working Wednesday night going over something about distributive properties to simplify like terms. What I don't understand (in all reality ... I did not get it) is that I'm not solving an equation ...I did not know that. I really didn't. I'd done over 40 problems ..and through tears and frustration I can't figure out WHY I'm doing what I'm doing and why this is like this .... because it's not DONE ... (because I think to simplify something means to finish, to finish means to =) so ..why is it that when I get to 7y -14 am I not FINISHING it? It took me 4 hours to realize there was no realization that there was no '=' and I was not doing an EQUATION.
(no, no one had explained this to me)
So, I go to school early on Thursday and I work in the math lab, and I work with a math teacher ..who then frustrates me a bit as she tries to show me an 'easier' way with a principal I've not been shown yet (because she's assuming I'm retaking this as a review from not having had algebra in 30 years) and then she backs up and says 'oh forget that! ...
I started to go up stairs about 15 minutes before class and i could not breathe. I called my former pastors wife ...because I knew I could call her and ask her to pray for me and not only get prayer ..but not get 'my poor baby' or "i'm so sorry" or 'buck it up huck" or "suck it up cream puff" or "if you'd just pay attention"
but ... I'd get "ok, let's look at this for what it really is ....
step 1
step 2
step 3
step 4
and pray"
Which, is exactly what she did.
But while on the phone with her, I'm not breathing, or breathing too hard, with tears pouring down my face and I can't keep my legs under my feet and a lady comes up behind me and guids me to a chair. She writes me a note and says "I'm a nursing instructor, are you ok or are you having a panic attack? Should we call 911?"
I pointed to the panic attack. The next thing I know, I've got 2 people bringing me water and 2 wet rags, one's on my neck, one on my forehead ...all this while Carla is talking to me about my class.
She reminds me that this is all brand new information and I'm expecting myself to be able to solve trigonomotry and get straight A's because ...hey! I'm Peggikaye ... i should be perfect. Only, I've never been perfect, I just think everyone thinks I should be or I won't be accepted.
She reminds me that the worst that can happen is that I fail the test ... I show my work, every step ...and then the teacher can see what I'm not understanding ...and then he can help me.
Take my time. Do not be the student that has to be the best student in the class and be the first one done.
By the time I went into class, I could almost breathe ... almost. He handed out the test ...most people were done in 15 to 20 minutes. It took me 55 minutes. I cried several times in the test. I have no idea how I did ...but me... ms I hate showing my work ...showed every step I took to get to where I was going ...(he also said he'd give partial credit for work shown that was right even if the answer was wrong)
I did my best .....
He and I had many discussions these last three weeks ...about absolute value and things I'm having a hard time accepting ....
Carla told me that she won't believe that I can't accept those stupid things that 'just are' in math.
Just because ... she said that I accept things of God on blind faith all the time ...and if I can do that ...then I certainly can do it in the Math he created as well ... gee did she have to put it that way?
The severity of the panic attack has left me physically exhausted. I think it is what has left me emotionally worn this weekend. It has been well over 20 years since I've had a panic attack that severe. The physical fall out .. has been pretty significant .... Autoimmunity is worsened by stress and my body is paying the price.
I'm resting a lot this weekend ...caught up on homework and reading ....
I hope that Tuesday he's got the results so I can see ... .. ... ...
I definitely need them at school !!
This week at school has been quite the week. Monday, a holiday did nothing to make it seem shorter! I had a Humanities test on Wednesday and an Algebra test on Thursday. Because the Humanities teacher did not have the tests back for us on Friday, nor posted on blackboard (electronic webpage where our grades are supposed to be posted) I've got no idea how I did on the humanities test.
It will be Tuesday before I know the Algebra test. Our first homework was due on last Tuesday, that wasn't handed back in before the test, so I wasn't sure how I'd done on that before taking the test ... yuck
The humanities test was more difficult to study for than I'd anticipated. The teacher, who is nice, but has more of an artistic bent to her mindset than I do, thinks on a totally different plane ...and I found her outline for the test difficult to study from.
At first, I thought it was *ME* and being out of school for almost 20 years, then showed my son ..and realized ...oh no! It's not me ... it's ..well ... it's the way she thinks and the way I think.
Unfortunately, we got the outline on a Tuesday night, and I figured out her 'outline' and how it related to the book ...the night before the test a full WEEK after recieving the outline!!! I spent HOURS trying to get seemingly random facts into my brain which actually were not out of order, nor random ...just ... she and I approach things totally different!! YIKES!
So, next test, I'll know!!! Hopefully, my familiarity with the Renaissance era will have gotten me through. The infuriating thing was not her study tools, nor her teaching ..nor anything but my blessed stupidity ... and breaking the first rule of test taking.
Extra credit ...was identifying a picture ... Couldn't remember the name, so I didn't stress, figured I'd get half credit for putting down the painter ... put down who I thought it was ... and wrote it down ..then thought ..nah.... it's that guy back there from question 3 ...... (who was not the right answer in question 3, but just there as a choice) ...so I erased MY gut instinct ...and ... wrote down the extra name from question 3 ...only
I was right the first time.
ARGHARGH ARGH ARGH... I have known since I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD DO NOT ERASE YOUR GUT INSTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She threw me with a trick question, although I got it right. She asked about the printing press and what it did for the people of the renaissance. She had one question totally wrong, and then 2 identical answers. Except the year ...one year .. in the 1300 (important to church history) and one year in the 1400's .. my brain, having had lots of Bible/church history ... split in two as I tried to figure out ..which was which!
I answered correctly *whew*
Then came the algebra test. While I've been known to have a few panic attacks. I know few people with eating disorders who've not had them on occassion. Most of mine are in fact, food related, therapy related or the such. The last time someone actually SAW me have a panic attack ... I was about 21. I'm 43 .... I've since learned to pretty well internalize them (granted, the end result does some pretty good self punishment ...but still ...my panic attacks are not visible)
So Wednesday night, Don tries to help me ... and I'm in tears, repeatidly. He and I don't quite see eye to eye. He also doesn't understand that when he says "you're smart enough to get this if you'd just focus" that all that does is to serve to make me feel even more stupid than I'm already feeling for not understanding what I'm doing wrong and I really really really REALLY don't get this. His getting angry because I've just done 3 problems 'just like it' (um, no, they weren't they did not look anything like it to me, just because they did to him, did not mean they did to me) ...
Keep in mind ... I NEVER took algebra, not even a semester of it ... so it's not like it's been 30 years since i took it and I've forgotten it ... I never HAD it. I'm learning all of this for the first time. Pre algebra was in 7th grade ...and that my friends ...was a very very long time ago and I don't remember anything from it except that I had the best teacher in the world and that Russell Sellers was in my class and was the cutest boy in the 7th grade and he was my boyfriend and he'd picked ME over all the other girls.
That's ...not much to go on 31 years later!
So, I'm working Wednesday night going over something about distributive properties to simplify like terms. What I don't understand (in all reality ... I did not get it) is that I'm not solving an equation ...I did not know that. I really didn't. I'd done over 40 problems ..and through tears and frustration I can't figure out WHY I'm doing what I'm doing and why this is like this .... because it's not DONE ... (because I think to simplify something means to finish, to finish means to =) so ..why is it that when I get to 7y -14 am I not FINISHING it? It took me 4 hours to realize there was no realization that there was no '=' and I was not doing an EQUATION.
(no, no one had explained this to me)
So, I go to school early on Thursday and I work in the math lab, and I work with a math teacher ..who then frustrates me a bit as she tries to show me an 'easier' way with a principal I've not been shown yet (because she's assuming I'm retaking this as a review from not having had algebra in 30 years) and then she backs up and says 'oh forget that! ...
I started to go up stairs about 15 minutes before class and i could not breathe. I called my former pastors wife ...because I knew I could call her and ask her to pray for me and not only get prayer ..but not get 'my poor baby' or "i'm so sorry" or 'buck it up huck" or "suck it up cream puff" or "if you'd just pay attention"
but ... I'd get "ok, let's look at this for what it really is ....
step 1
step 2
step 3
step 4
and pray"
Which, is exactly what she did.
But while on the phone with her, I'm not breathing, or breathing too hard, with tears pouring down my face and I can't keep my legs under my feet and a lady comes up behind me and guids me to a chair. She writes me a note and says "I'm a nursing instructor, are you ok or are you having a panic attack? Should we call 911?"
I pointed to the panic attack. The next thing I know, I've got 2 people bringing me water and 2 wet rags, one's on my neck, one on my forehead ...all this while Carla is talking to me about my class.
She reminds me that this is all brand new information and I'm expecting myself to be able to solve trigonomotry and get straight A's because ...hey! I'm Peggikaye ... i should be perfect. Only, I've never been perfect, I just think everyone thinks I should be or I won't be accepted.
She reminds me that the worst that can happen is that I fail the test ... I show my work, every step ...and then the teacher can see what I'm not understanding ...and then he can help me.
Take my time. Do not be the student that has to be the best student in the class and be the first one done.
By the time I went into class, I could almost breathe ... almost. He handed out the test ...most people were done in 15 to 20 minutes. It took me 55 minutes. I cried several times in the test. I have no idea how I did ...but me... ms I hate showing my work ...showed every step I took to get to where I was going ...(he also said he'd give partial credit for work shown that was right even if the answer was wrong)
I did my best .....
He and I had many discussions these last three weeks ...about absolute value and things I'm having a hard time accepting ....
Carla told me that she won't believe that I can't accept those stupid things that 'just are' in math.
Just because ... she said that I accept things of God on blind faith all the time ...and if I can do that ...then I certainly can do it in the Math he created as well ... gee did she have to put it that way?
The severity of the panic attack has left me physically exhausted. I think it is what has left me emotionally worn this weekend. It has been well over 20 years since I've had a panic attack that severe. The physical fall out .. has been pretty significant .... Autoimmunity is worsened by stress and my body is paying the price.
I'm resting a lot this weekend ...caught up on homework and reading ....
I hope that Tuesday he's got the results so I can see ... .. ... ...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Humanities homework
Our Humanities 2 class has a blog. We MUST post at least one post and 1 comment a week.
In class we got into a discussion of the dying arts and humanities in today's world, and the change in priorities. Patrarch was quoted as saying the highest form of art was poetry and yet, in today's world ...poetry is the least respected of all the arts. (much to this poets heart's dismay)
My humanities instructor suggested I blog about it for my week 2 blog post. So, I did, when I started to do it, I decided hey! If the whole idea is that poetry is no longer respected, why not do it in the form of an Italian Sonnet ..the very form no longer respected ..and took 5 minutes and threw together what is most likely my worst poem ever written. She loved it ..not really sure what that means ... does she need to read the rest of my poetry or ... let's not go there
but .. here is my blog post with the very first sonnet I've ever written. Warning for those who've read my poetry before .. this IS not my normal quality of writing ... it IS a 5 minute poem ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While this is certainly not the best poem I've ever written, when I brought up the frustration of the lack of respect of poetry in today's world while Petrarch declared it the highest form of art. I could not resist deciding to place my frustration in the form of a sonnet. I personally have never been assigned a sonnet before ... so ... forgive the lack of ...um, perfection ;o) I did use theabbaabbacdcdcd format (italian rather than shakesperean) format for the rhyming. So, in the attempt to start the discussion of poetry being no longer respected in today's society ... here is my statement in the form of a pseudo sonnet:
Death of Respect
by Peggikaye Eagler
Petrarch declared the best there could be,
Of all the literary forms of pen or quill,
Not prose nor epic tales but words that bring one still!
Time and meter, rhyme of heart, that of poetry.
Petrarch saw the poems opened new ways to see,
To share things otherwise kept in at will,
Poetry frees the heart to share the love that doth fill!
Art form to be kept alive, would be a shame to ever bury!
But here we are generations of change,
Progress brags of the technology of life,
Experts tell us all we know, they give us range!Making life easier?
Improvements increase... strife.
Removal of art, demotions of heart, does no one find this strange?
If Petrarch were here now, he'd feel the twist of the technological knife.
like I said ...certainly not the best of my poems! HA!But ..I'm going to leave it like that and we can discuss it in the comments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only commenting going on is one guy who said he liked the line "removal of art, demotions of heart" (actually, I like that too) and the teacher who said she loved the sonnet.
So much for starting a conversation on the topic.
But, got my A .
In class we got into a discussion of the dying arts and humanities in today's world, and the change in priorities. Patrarch was quoted as saying the highest form of art was poetry and yet, in today's world ...poetry is the least respected of all the arts. (much to this poets heart's dismay)
My humanities instructor suggested I blog about it for my week 2 blog post. So, I did, when I started to do it, I decided hey! If the whole idea is that poetry is no longer respected, why not do it in the form of an Italian Sonnet ..the very form no longer respected ..and took 5 minutes and threw together what is most likely my worst poem ever written. She loved it ..not really sure what that means ... does she need to read the rest of my poetry or ... let's not go there
but .. here is my blog post with the very first sonnet I've ever written. Warning for those who've read my poetry before .. this IS not my normal quality of writing ... it IS a 5 minute poem ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While this is certainly not the best poem I've ever written, when I brought up the frustration of the lack of respect of poetry in today's world while Petrarch declared it the highest form of art. I could not resist deciding to place my frustration in the form of a sonnet. I personally have never been assigned a sonnet before ... so ... forgive the lack of ...um, perfection ;o) I did use theabbaabbacdcdcd format (italian rather than shakesperean) format for the rhyming. So, in the attempt to start the discussion of poetry being no longer respected in today's society ... here is my statement in the form of a pseudo sonnet:
Death of Respect
by Peggikaye Eagler
Petrarch declared the best there could be,
Of all the literary forms of pen or quill,
Not prose nor epic tales but words that bring one still!
Time and meter, rhyme of heart, that of poetry.
Petrarch saw the poems opened new ways to see,
To share things otherwise kept in at will,
Poetry frees the heart to share the love that doth fill!
Art form to be kept alive, would be a shame to ever bury!
But here we are generations of change,
Progress brags of the technology of life,
Experts tell us all we know, they give us range!Making life easier?
Improvements increase... strife.
Removal of art, demotions of heart, does no one find this strange?
If Petrarch were here now, he'd feel the twist of the technological knife.
like I said ...certainly not the best of my poems! HA!But ..I'm going to leave it like that and we can discuss it in the comments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only commenting going on is one guy who said he liked the line "removal of art, demotions of heart" (actually, I like that too) and the teacher who said she loved the sonnet.
So much for starting a conversation on the topic.
But, got my A .
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
It's getting to me
My science class is above my head, at least this first part of it, mathmatically. It requires skills from math classes I've never taken ...and some skills from classes I've not had since the 7th grade ..which is 31 years ago. My best friend is 31 years old.
I have taught some of these skills to Samuel, but he was advanced, and I was teaching them to him about 8 years of age, so ..at 18, almost 19, that means ...about 10 years ago. And teaching them, you just kind of scan the material, make sure they catch it, and let it go right back out of the head as you check the work with the teacher's key. (especially with a kid who is primarily self taught)
The reality is, after taking four hours to accomplish only getting 9 out of 27 problems done ...and even my very bright son having some problems with them, I've decided to go and see if I can drop the class, and register for a 12 week class ... and keep my full time status (for purposes of financial aide). This would mean, in 2 weeks I'd start my 4th class and drop, this week, the science class. The book, I'd have to keep (all $224 of it) and save it for next semester after having a semester of algebra under my belt ... and getting some skills to help me to understand what is is that I'm missing.
I simply can't take 13 hours of classes and doing 15 hours of homework for one class. (that is how much time I've put in this week, and yet, am still 18 questions short of completeing the assignment) It has also left me on the short end of reading for another class.
So, that is what I will do ... I hate to do it, but if I can, I will. If I can't maintain my full time status, I'm ...essentially in hot water.
Not sure what to do then.
I'll let you know.
On the sick front ... I finished the 2nd round of stronger Leviquin and now, the cough is back with a vengence. I'm going to give the prednisone and nasal spray a couple of more days ...and then ... CALL AGAIN.
I'm wondering how much my change of immunosuppression has to do with this ... is the Imuran from Cellcept playing a role in this not being able to kick this????
I have taught some of these skills to Samuel, but he was advanced, and I was teaching them to him about 8 years of age, so ..at 18, almost 19, that means ...about 10 years ago. And teaching them, you just kind of scan the material, make sure they catch it, and let it go right back out of the head as you check the work with the teacher's key. (especially with a kid who is primarily self taught)
The reality is, after taking four hours to accomplish only getting 9 out of 27 problems done ...and even my very bright son having some problems with them, I've decided to go and see if I can drop the class, and register for a 12 week class ... and keep my full time status (for purposes of financial aide). This would mean, in 2 weeks I'd start my 4th class and drop, this week, the science class. The book, I'd have to keep (all $224 of it) and save it for next semester after having a semester of algebra under my belt ... and getting some skills to help me to understand what is is that I'm missing.
I simply can't take 13 hours of classes and doing 15 hours of homework for one class. (that is how much time I've put in this week, and yet, am still 18 questions short of completeing the assignment) It has also left me on the short end of reading for another class.
So, that is what I will do ... I hate to do it, but if I can, I will. If I can't maintain my full time status, I'm ...essentially in hot water.
Not sure what to do then.
I'll let you know.
On the sick front ... I finished the 2nd round of stronger Leviquin and now, the cough is back with a vengence. I'm going to give the prednisone and nasal spray a couple of more days ...and then ... CALL AGAIN.
I'm wondering how much my change of immunosuppression has to do with this ... is the Imuran from Cellcept playing a role in this not being able to kick this????
Saturday, August 23, 2008
End of week 1
Wow what a week.
My science professor sent me flying into a panic attack. I'm so unsure of how I'm going to handle that class. My weekend will be filled with trying to get the assignments done for that class.
My humanities class ... let's just not go there.
My algebra class, that I need so badly. I've got the nicest most gentle teacher in the world ... and I needed so badly to be there. But I went to my science class on Thursday morning and was coughing so badly & disrupting the class to the point the professor deemed it necessary to make some political statement about non smokers rights to not be disrupted by second hand smoke as well as smokers hack. (um .. I don't smoke, it's not smokers hack ...I'm SICK!!!)
OK, so I went back home to rest between the two classes, collapsed into bed, called the doc to say,"It's been a week, I took all 5 antibiotics and now I'm getting worse ... they said come in at 4:30). I could have gone to class ...except, I fell asleep and my husband told my son to let me sleep.
Got to the doctors and ... I had 102 fever. WHOOPS!
So ... more levaquin ..at 750 Mg's this time. A nasal spray with her thinking maybe it's coming from sinus'? Vera mist ... I've got bad sinus reactions to nasal sprays ...they make my nose bleed. 1 day on the 750 and already noticed a difference. So ... hopefully this time it's going to get it.
My Developmental Psych class is great. I love the teacher. She has a passion for people, a passion for the subject of psychology and a passion for teaching. That combination makes for a great class. We have a wide variety of ages from teenagers to older than myself ... and everywhere in between. Men and women ... boys and girls .. no large groups of anything no large groups of races or class ... very wide subset of the community at large of our city. It will make for a GREAT psychology class!
We have a woman, my age, from India in there, a young woman from Mexico and a man about 30 from Australia(raised in those countries, living here now) we have several races raised here in the US) every hair color and eye color imaginable. Very few native Oklahomans ... and the only thing we all had in common was there were only 3 majors that were represented ... psychology, nursing and education!
Wednesday I have a paper due that is going to be quite interesting to write. It's about where I was 10 years ago and how I've changed in three areas. Emotionally, physically, and Socially.
Well ... OK ... That's going to be quite the paper because it is exactly those changes and where I was 10 years ago, with my parenting ...that has caused me to decide to go back to school. The services, or lack there of ... available to me. The fatigue and desperation of dealing with the issues facing my children and the lack of respite care.
The feeling of being alone in the world as a family of kids with Tourette's and OCD and at the time what we thought was autism ...and it being treated as my child's disability that somehow had nothing to do with us ..when in fact ... if a child has a disability ..the entire family is affect.
When a family member is disabled ... the entire family is affected. For doctor's, therapists and other health care members to think otherwise ...they are fooling themselves. My children and husband are deeply effected by my having myasthenia gravis and lupus. I am deeply effected by my husbands post polio, Restrictive airway disease and scoliosis/kyphosis and the complications ... My husband and I are effected in many ways by the OCD and tourette's that our children deal with on a daily basis ...and trust me ... the brothers have to deal with ... in ways that cannot be described ..their siblings OCD and Tourette's and often it collides like a tornado with their own OCD issue and it takes a very wise, and gentle hand to help them to overcome the differences in their disorders that come head to head with each other.
A person with a chronic illness, is not simply an island to themselves, they are a member of a family and it ripples out and effects the other members and changes the fabric of the life of the other person helping to form the very character of who that person turns into ...for good or for bad.
My children could not have helped but be effected by my 27 hospitalizations and 15 surgeries, by my husbands 7 hospitalizations. They could not help but be effected by their own hospitalizations ... Samuel's 5 and Benjamin's 7 ... Benjamin's most serious being meningitis at the age of 7. With the most serious of all of these being Don's 45 day stay last year when he almost died. We are, a family, not a group of individuals ...
Yet, 10 years ago, when I would take one of my sons, or myself to the doctor, the only thing dealt with was the problem at hand. Nothing else taken into consideration ..and I had all these other balls in the air ... and I felt like I was going to tip over at any minute ... and I had no idea if I was going to crash or the world was going to implode ...what was worse ...was I wasn't even sure if anyone was aware that there was even this sick person named Peggikaye trying to keep 4 sick people balancing ...and if they did crash ..would anyone even know to pick up the pieces.
I would take Benjamin for an evaluation and they would say "he's autistic we need to do OT 2 times a week, speech therapy 1 time a week and PT 1 time a week". He needs to have Cognitive Behavioral therapy and send us to a behavioral psychologist who would catch on rather quickly that I worked well with my son. Psychologist after psychologist worked with us two or three appointments, gave us tools to work at home and sent us on our way. We did 40 hours a week of ABA in our home and we used the public school system ...
We did everything we knew to do. We went to Autism support meetings we took him to pediatric nurologist, and pediatric gastroenterologists. We took him to pediatric pulmonologists and pediatric orothopedists ... all in an attempt to get this little body ... no single part of any of it seemed to work right ... trying to get it pulled into a functioning ...something resembling ... functionable.
In the meantime ...we had another child who was also emerging with tics and obsessions and compulsions ...who also had an immune deficiency requiring his own fair share of appointments and pulmonologist appointments.
Many times Benjamin's tics collided with Samuel's OCD ...and at that time you would thing that we were in Nagasaki Japan ... a nuclear war would have been quieter.
Yet ... no therapist , no doctor ..no psychologist seemed to be able to deal witht hat issue because they were Samuel's doctor or they were Benjamin's doctor or therapist ...
And I ... was imploding and exploding and my heart was shattering and I had no idea what I was doing ....
I'd go to these doctors and therapists and be told ...for what is wrong these kids are in remarkable shape! What are you doing?
I'd look at them and want to pull their eyes out. "I'm FAILING!"
I had no idea that I was in fact succeeding because I was caught up in the middle of the battle
No one was there for us as a FAMILY. They were MY doctor.
They were Samuel's doctor
They were Benjamin's doctor.
They were Don's doctor.
No one was able to deal with the fall out of the issues that effected us all ... I was doing everything and I thought I was failing at everything. I had nothing to see into the future. No one told me that these diseases effect the family, it's a family issue.
When I get my degree, and I go into practice ...and young mother brings her ticcing child to me and says ..."why is he moving his head like this and blinking?"
And I help her to understand that it's a misfiring of a brain signal called a tic, and it can be managed ...with medications ...and it's ok, because it's just a disorder called Tourette's ... and he's normal for a kid with Tourette's.
But that it's not just her child that's been effected, but she has as well, and her husband and her other children ...
and that she's not alone ...
and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel ...
And one day the child will be 18, going to college and she'll be looking back to when he was 7 and going "WOW! look at what a great kid I have!" And the time of diagnosis and learning to cope will have been a time of enjoying her child ... not a time of fear and exhaustion ... and fear of failure and fear of loosing one of those balls in the air!
If I can do that for just one person, just one mom, just one child, one family. I will consider this time worth it.
My science professor sent me flying into a panic attack. I'm so unsure of how I'm going to handle that class. My weekend will be filled with trying to get the assignments done for that class.
My humanities class ... let's just not go there.
My algebra class, that I need so badly. I've got the nicest most gentle teacher in the world ... and I needed so badly to be there. But I went to my science class on Thursday morning and was coughing so badly & disrupting the class to the point the professor deemed it necessary to make some political statement about non smokers rights to not be disrupted by second hand smoke as well as smokers hack. (um .. I don't smoke, it's not smokers hack ...I'm SICK!!!)
OK, so I went back home to rest between the two classes, collapsed into bed, called the doc to say,"It's been a week, I took all 5 antibiotics and now I'm getting worse ... they said come in at 4:30). I could have gone to class ...except, I fell asleep and my husband told my son to let me sleep.
Got to the doctors and ... I had 102 fever. WHOOPS!
So ... more levaquin ..at 750 Mg's this time. A nasal spray with her thinking maybe it's coming from sinus'? Vera mist ... I've got bad sinus reactions to nasal sprays ...they make my nose bleed. 1 day on the 750 and already noticed a difference. So ... hopefully this time it's going to get it.
My Developmental Psych class is great. I love the teacher. She has a passion for people, a passion for the subject of psychology and a passion for teaching. That combination makes for a great class. We have a wide variety of ages from teenagers to older than myself ... and everywhere in between. Men and women ... boys and girls .. no large groups of anything no large groups of races or class ... very wide subset of the community at large of our city. It will make for a GREAT psychology class!
We have a woman, my age, from India in there, a young woman from Mexico and a man about 30 from Australia(raised in those countries, living here now) we have several races raised here in the US) every hair color and eye color imaginable. Very few native Oklahomans ... and the only thing we all had in common was there were only 3 majors that were represented ... psychology, nursing and education!
Wednesday I have a paper due that is going to be quite interesting to write. It's about where I was 10 years ago and how I've changed in three areas. Emotionally, physically, and Socially.
Well ... OK ... That's going to be quite the paper because it is exactly those changes and where I was 10 years ago, with my parenting ...that has caused me to decide to go back to school. The services, or lack there of ... available to me. The fatigue and desperation of dealing with the issues facing my children and the lack of respite care.
The feeling of being alone in the world as a family of kids with Tourette's and OCD and at the time what we thought was autism ...and it being treated as my child's disability that somehow had nothing to do with us ..when in fact ... if a child has a disability ..the entire family is affect.
When a family member is disabled ... the entire family is affected. For doctor's, therapists and other health care members to think otherwise ...they are fooling themselves. My children and husband are deeply effected by my having myasthenia gravis and lupus. I am deeply effected by my husbands post polio, Restrictive airway disease and scoliosis/kyphosis and the complications ... My husband and I are effected in many ways by the OCD and tourette's that our children deal with on a daily basis ...and trust me ... the brothers have to deal with ... in ways that cannot be described ..their siblings OCD and Tourette's and often it collides like a tornado with their own OCD issue and it takes a very wise, and gentle hand to help them to overcome the differences in their disorders that come head to head with each other.
A person with a chronic illness, is not simply an island to themselves, they are a member of a family and it ripples out and effects the other members and changes the fabric of the life of the other person helping to form the very character of who that person turns into ...for good or for bad.
My children could not have helped but be effected by my 27 hospitalizations and 15 surgeries, by my husbands 7 hospitalizations. They could not help but be effected by their own hospitalizations ... Samuel's 5 and Benjamin's 7 ... Benjamin's most serious being meningitis at the age of 7. With the most serious of all of these being Don's 45 day stay last year when he almost died. We are, a family, not a group of individuals ...
Yet, 10 years ago, when I would take one of my sons, or myself to the doctor, the only thing dealt with was the problem at hand. Nothing else taken into consideration ..and I had all these other balls in the air ... and I felt like I was going to tip over at any minute ... and I had no idea if I was going to crash or the world was going to implode ...what was worse ...was I wasn't even sure if anyone was aware that there was even this sick person named Peggikaye trying to keep 4 sick people balancing ...and if they did crash ..would anyone even know to pick up the pieces.
I would take Benjamin for an evaluation and they would say "he's autistic we need to do OT 2 times a week, speech therapy 1 time a week and PT 1 time a week". He needs to have Cognitive Behavioral therapy and send us to a behavioral psychologist who would catch on rather quickly that I worked well with my son. Psychologist after psychologist worked with us two or three appointments, gave us tools to work at home and sent us on our way. We did 40 hours a week of ABA in our home and we used the public school system ...
We did everything we knew to do. We went to Autism support meetings we took him to pediatric nurologist, and pediatric gastroenterologists. We took him to pediatric pulmonologists and pediatric orothopedists ... all in an attempt to get this little body ... no single part of any of it seemed to work right ... trying to get it pulled into a functioning ...something resembling ... functionable.
In the meantime ...we had another child who was also emerging with tics and obsessions and compulsions ...who also had an immune deficiency requiring his own fair share of appointments and pulmonologist appointments.
Many times Benjamin's tics collided with Samuel's OCD ...and at that time you would thing that we were in Nagasaki Japan ... a nuclear war would have been quieter.
Yet ... no therapist , no doctor ..no psychologist seemed to be able to deal witht hat issue because they were Samuel's doctor or they were Benjamin's doctor or therapist ...
And I ... was imploding and exploding and my heart was shattering and I had no idea what I was doing ....
I'd go to these doctors and therapists and be told ...for what is wrong these kids are in remarkable shape! What are you doing?
I'd look at them and want to pull their eyes out. "I'm FAILING!"
I had no idea that I was in fact succeeding because I was caught up in the middle of the battle
No one was there for us as a FAMILY. They were MY doctor.
They were Samuel's doctor
They were Benjamin's doctor.
They were Don's doctor.
No one was able to deal with the fall out of the issues that effected us all ... I was doing everything and I thought I was failing at everything. I had nothing to see into the future. No one told me that these diseases effect the family, it's a family issue.
When I get my degree, and I go into practice ...and young mother brings her ticcing child to me and says ..."why is he moving his head like this and blinking?"
And I help her to understand that it's a misfiring of a brain signal called a tic, and it can be managed ...with medications ...and it's ok, because it's just a disorder called Tourette's ... and he's normal for a kid with Tourette's.
But that it's not just her child that's been effected, but she has as well, and her husband and her other children ...
and that she's not alone ...
and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel ...
And one day the child will be 18, going to college and she'll be looking back to when he was 7 and going "WOW! look at what a great kid I have!" And the time of diagnosis and learning to cope will have been a time of enjoying her child ... not a time of fear and exhaustion ... and fear of failure and fear of loosing one of those balls in the air!
If I can do that for just one person, just one mom, just one child, one family. I will consider this time worth it.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
It's here
So. I'm really doing it. School starts tomorrow Morning ... bright and early. Well, not tooo awful early, just at 9:30 ... I know myself well enough to not schedule anything earlier than that.
I learned the hard way when I was pregnant with Samuel and had a 8 am computer concepts class and 7 am Piano lab ... um ... Nope ...wasn't at school for either of them ... I was over the funny white thing in the bathroom that I stuck my face in every morning that a face was never meant to be.
So, morning classes ... YES .. EARLY morning classes ... not on my life. Miss Night Owl has learned a few things over the years.
I have Developmental Psychology Mondays and Wednesdays from 9:30 to 10:50
then I get to hustle two buildings over to get to
Humanities 2 ... 11:00 to 11:50 ... Monday Wednesday and Friday.
Fridays are nice, it's my only time.
Then, from 12 to 1 is ..what my family has teasingly called "my sacred hour"
My friend Teresa has no classes from 12 to 1 MWF ... and we, for the first time in 4 years will have time to sit and visit for an hour ...and Heaven help the family member that tries to interfere with that time! (Especially the family member who is on campus with me during that time and fancies himself friends with Teresa as well)
Although, one of Samuel's best friends from church also has a break in his schedule at that time, so I'm guessing Teresa and I will be safe from Samuel shannannigans.
Tuesday's and Thursdays I take Physical Science and Algebra.
oh the dreaded algebra. Why oh why did My mother let me dig in my heels as a 15 year old?
All is water under the bridge now, I must face the music and take it.
Physical Science is from 9:30 to 10:50 Tuesday and Thursday. Then the lab for Pys sci is on Tuesday only from 11:00 to 1:30 (No break between them except to change class rooms)
Then my algebra is 2:30 to 3:50. Tuesday and Thursday.
Thursday I can come home between classes ... Tuesdays I'll be stuck there all day, with barely an hour to catch lunch at 2:30.
After I finish visiting with Teresa ... (and i'm fully recovered from this cough) I will go spend and hour or so in the gym MWF and at some point on Thursdays.)
I'll get an hour PE credit (required credit) but by doing it this way ... I don't enroll in a PE class ..and i get the credit for it! Since I was planning on doing it anyway ... hey hey!
I had tried to talk Teresa into going and working out with me, but alas ...
I am hoping that Samuel's friend from church talks Samuel into using that hour at the gym....
All in all ... most of my books purchased (yeouch ... $425 for 3 classes?)
and all my supplies ... and ...
Now all I have to do is stay healthy ...and concentrate ...and ... keep putting one foot in front of the other till it's done.
Going to see how this function works
Multiple Student Schedules are displayed if your enrolled courses have different begin and end dates. Classes which have not yet been scheduled or have time conflicts are listed below the schedule.
Peggikaye Eagler
Fall 2008 Credit Classes
16 Week Session: 8/18/2008 to 12/12/2008 Time Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
09:00AM
09:30AM PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244 PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244
10:00AM PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244 PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244
10:30AM PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244 PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244
11:00AM HUM -2223 SE 3111 PSC -1114 SE 8176 HUM -2223 SE 3111 HUM -2223 SE 3111
11:30AM HUM -2223 SE 3111 PSC -1114 SE 8176 HUM -2223 SE 3111 HUM -2223 SE 3111
12:00PM PSC -1114 SE 8176
12:30PM PSC -1114 SE 8176
01:00PM
01:30PM
02:00PM MTH -0013 SE 8241 MTH -0013 SE 8241
02:30PM MTH -0013 SE 8241 MTH -0013 SE 8241
03:00PM MTH -0013 SE 8241 MTH -0013 SE 8241
03:30PM
I learned the hard way when I was pregnant with Samuel and had a 8 am computer concepts class and 7 am Piano lab ... um ... Nope ...wasn't at school for either of them ... I was over the funny white thing in the bathroom that I stuck my face in every morning that a face was never meant to be.
So, morning classes ... YES .. EARLY morning classes ... not on my life. Miss Night Owl has learned a few things over the years.
I have Developmental Psychology Mondays and Wednesdays from 9:30 to 10:50
then I get to hustle two buildings over to get to
Humanities 2 ... 11:00 to 11:50 ... Monday Wednesday and Friday.
Fridays are nice, it's my only time.
Then, from 12 to 1 is ..what my family has teasingly called "my sacred hour"
My friend Teresa has no classes from 12 to 1 MWF ... and we, for the first time in 4 years will have time to sit and visit for an hour ...and Heaven help the family member that tries to interfere with that time! (Especially the family member who is on campus with me during that time and fancies himself friends with Teresa as well)
Although, one of Samuel's best friends from church also has a break in his schedule at that time, so I'm guessing Teresa and I will be safe from Samuel shannannigans.
Tuesday's and Thursdays I take Physical Science and Algebra.
oh the dreaded algebra. Why oh why did My mother let me dig in my heels as a 15 year old?
All is water under the bridge now, I must face the music and take it.
Physical Science is from 9:30 to 10:50 Tuesday and Thursday. Then the lab for Pys sci is on Tuesday only from 11:00 to 1:30 (No break between them except to change class rooms)
Then my algebra is 2:30 to 3:50. Tuesday and Thursday.
Thursday I can come home between classes ... Tuesdays I'll be stuck there all day, with barely an hour to catch lunch at 2:30.
After I finish visiting with Teresa ... (and i'm fully recovered from this cough) I will go spend and hour or so in the gym MWF and at some point on Thursdays.)
I'll get an hour PE credit (required credit) but by doing it this way ... I don't enroll in a PE class ..and i get the credit for it! Since I was planning on doing it anyway ... hey hey!
I had tried to talk Teresa into going and working out with me, but alas ...
I am hoping that Samuel's friend from church talks Samuel into using that hour at the gym....
All in all ... most of my books purchased (yeouch ... $425 for 3 classes?)
and all my supplies ... and ...
Now all I have to do is stay healthy ...and concentrate ...and ... keep putting one foot in front of the other till it's done.
Going to see how this function works
Multiple Student Schedules are displayed if your enrolled courses have different begin and end dates. Classes which have not yet been scheduled or have time conflicts are listed below the schedule.
Peggikaye Eagler
Fall 2008 Credit Classes
16 Week Session: 8/18/2008 to 12/12/2008 Time Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
09:00AM
09:30AM PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244 PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244
10:00AM PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244 PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244
10:30AM PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244 PSY -2023 SE 1115 PSC -1114 SE 8244
11:00AM HUM -2223 SE 3111 PSC -1114 SE 8176 HUM -2223 SE 3111 HUM -2223 SE 3111
11:30AM HUM -2223 SE 3111 PSC -1114 SE 8176 HUM -2223 SE 3111 HUM -2223 SE 3111
12:00PM PSC -1114 SE 8176
12:30PM PSC -1114 SE 8176
01:00PM
01:30PM
02:00PM MTH -0013 SE 8241 MTH -0013 SE 8241
02:30PM MTH -0013 SE 8241 MTH -0013 SE 8241
03:00PM MTH -0013 SE 8241 MTH -0013 SE 8241
03:30PM
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Really Doing It
Well, I've got my finanicial aide papers filed, and decided to not wait for fall and am going to try to get that blasted algebra out of the way. My stubborn streak got in the way and I never took it in high school. The conversation was absolutely absurd and I cannot believe I ever got away with it. As a parent, I'd never let my children slide by with such a thing (as they have found out) but, I did ...
I had wanted to be a doctor since I was less than 4. I earned my first aide badge as a brownie and was the first girl scout to earn my first aide badge.
In my 7th grade science class, I was teacher's pet ... she lit a fire under my facination of all things biological.
My freshman year, I was enrolled in Algebra 1,
I promptly unenrolled myself and put myself in "Business math" (as my step mother kindly referred to it "bonehead math"
My sophomore year, my mother again enrolled me in algebra, I again took myself out of it.
My principal promptly called me into his office and kindly said "Peggikaye, you HAVE to take algebra!"
"Do I have to show my work?"
"well, yes, you know that!"
"well, then I'm not taking it!"
"If you don't take algebra you can't become a doctor!"
"well, then I won't become a doctor" I stared him down as he stared at me with absolute disbelief, he thought he had this stubborn blue eyed girl in a trap.
"Peggikaye, if you don't take algebra, you can't go to college." He said quietly.
"Fine, take me off the college prep list"
I got up and I walked out of his office and did not look back until I was 23.
I waited tables, worked in grocery stores, worked in day care centers ... at 23 I realized I did not want to be a 40 year old waitress ...and enrolled in college.
At 24 ...I got sick with Myasthenia Gravis.
At 25 with not such a good GPA (2.1 ...I had no idea it was that bad!!! I was a 3.9 in high school!!!!)
So, now I go back. Different major, I was an education major (what WAS I thinking, I'd have made a bad teacher!!!)
The frustrating thing is starting behind the 8 ball. My physical science class and my developmental psych class, I dropped late in the semester, both, with A's. Both professors told me they would give me the A's even though it was too late to drop.
I was so sick, I just took it for granted they would follow through. Neither did.
I have incompletes ... for both classes.
So, I get to take them again.
My humanities 2, I had a D in, so I'm going to take that again.
I'm going to try to take Beginning Algebra this summer .. then Intermediate Algebra next fall .. then college algebra in the spring (then hopefully never take math again ...oh wait, I'll have to take statistics won't I?)
I will get over this. I will enjoy taking physical science, again, I will enjoy developmental psych, and I'm sure after parenting, I will have a totally different perspective. I might even be able to tolerate humanities 2 this time.
I had wanted to be a doctor since I was less than 4. I earned my first aide badge as a brownie and was the first girl scout to earn my first aide badge.
In my 7th grade science class, I was teacher's pet ... she lit a fire under my facination of all things biological.
My freshman year, I was enrolled in Algebra 1,
I promptly unenrolled myself and put myself in "Business math" (as my step mother kindly referred to it "bonehead math"
My sophomore year, my mother again enrolled me in algebra, I again took myself out of it.
My principal promptly called me into his office and kindly said "Peggikaye, you HAVE to take algebra!"
"Do I have to show my work?"
"well, yes, you know that!"
"well, then I'm not taking it!"
"If you don't take algebra you can't become a doctor!"
"well, then I won't become a doctor" I stared him down as he stared at me with absolute disbelief, he thought he had this stubborn blue eyed girl in a trap.
"Peggikaye, if you don't take algebra, you can't go to college." He said quietly.
"Fine, take me off the college prep list"
I got up and I walked out of his office and did not look back until I was 23.
I waited tables, worked in grocery stores, worked in day care centers ... at 23 I realized I did not want to be a 40 year old waitress ...and enrolled in college.
At 24 ...I got sick with Myasthenia Gravis.
At 25 with not such a good GPA (2.1 ...I had no idea it was that bad!!! I was a 3.9 in high school!!!!)
So, now I go back. Different major, I was an education major (what WAS I thinking, I'd have made a bad teacher!!!)
The frustrating thing is starting behind the 8 ball. My physical science class and my developmental psych class, I dropped late in the semester, both, with A's. Both professors told me they would give me the A's even though it was too late to drop.
I was so sick, I just took it for granted they would follow through. Neither did.
I have incompletes ... for both classes.
So, I get to take them again.
My humanities 2, I had a D in, so I'm going to take that again.
I'm going to try to take Beginning Algebra this summer .. then Intermediate Algebra next fall .. then college algebra in the spring (then hopefully never take math again ...oh wait, I'll have to take statistics won't I?)
I will get over this. I will enjoy taking physical science, again, I will enjoy developmental psych, and I'm sure after parenting, I will have a totally different perspective. I might even be able to tolerate humanities 2 this time.
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