Not the best Christmas ... 4th blizzard in states history made it a pretty one, that's for sure.
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
It's Thanksgiving, a day that is traditionally set apart for being thankful for all that you have.
What is often over looked is the amount of depression that often accompanies the holidays.
I'm thinking that I know at least part of the problem is the lack of acceptance for anyone who isn't over the top bubbling with enthusiasm for their golden lives.
Yes, that is a tad sarcastic ...but that's how i'm feeling.
I'm not posting this so that I can get "I'm sorry " or encouragment ... I know that few people read this blog ...and few post. I guess I'm writing it in a semi functional/semi public forum so I will at least 'feel' like I got out what I wanted to say without actually drawing attention to myself.
This morning, on Facebook, I posted, as millions did, the things I'm grateful for.
Within minutes I got a private message from someone ...
"You know, you have so much, and there are those with so little ... you should be thanking God that you're healthy, that you've got the things you've got ...you left off so much. You should be ashamed of yourself"
Bowl me over!
EXCUSE ME? Now, if this was someone I'd met on line, I could excuse it. If this was one of my friends from the singing group I was in ... I'd excuse it. One of the 60 friends from high school that are on my page ... I'd excuse it.
But it wasn't. It was from someone currently in my life ... I attended church with them for 10 years. I sat near their family week in and week out ... and before I had time to process this ... 3 more messages with similar messages came through. All from people related to the first. One of them, I'd spent 8 of those 10 years working with him in the music ministry.
Now, granted, I don't go around wearing my health on my sleeve, but neither do I keep it a secret. If I can't do something, I excuse myself apologizing that my health won't allow me to participate.
In the 10 years that I was in the church I was in the hospital 13 times, 8 of them for surgery. Yeah, that's healthy!
I've got so much??? While I've made it a point to raise my children with the mentality of being thankful for what you have ...and living the best life possible ..and I certainly don't wear my poverty on my sleeve, it is far more hidden than my health ...but come on! I got a house through Habitat for Humanity! People who get houses from them do not have 'so much' they are not wealthy and they are usually in pretty strict financial straits ... Some almost reach, but not quite, comfortable. Most, are lacking. WE fall below the poverty level. Always have. We make ends meet because we live within our means (which means our children go without and our clothing is bought at garage sales and second hand stores!)
This year, I'm accutely aware of the fact that my family is not speaking. My parents and I are estranged as is my sister and I. The only family that is talking to me is my niece. She has chosen to spend the day with her boyfriend and the family that they live with. So I have my sons and my husband ...that's it. It is very clear that my family has been blown to shreds ... I wouldn't change a thing about why they're not talking to me .... but it doesn't hurt any less.
This year, more than any other, I seem to be aware of what isn't in my life ... maybe it's the working in therapy on really experiencing emotions. Maybe I've given myself permission to be sad ...
My son has significant issues ...and always will.
My health is fragile at best.
While I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that my husband is still alive, in the back of my mind it keeps nagging at me ...how many more holidays do we have? When will the next event like 2.5 years ago happen ...and will that one take him from me?
My family (extended) no longer exists ... no one is talking to me because I chose to protect my niece. It was the right thing to do ... but it cost me my family.
The family that she lives with has gone on and on about how hard it has been on her ...after all ... she had to cut off ties with her parents ... they go to extremes to make sure that she is not lacking for anything ... but they seem to have forgotten one thing while they remind me of everything that she gave up ... I gave up my parents as well ...and my sister and my nephews and niece ... it wasn't JUST her that gave up the family.
I'm hurting this Thanksgiving ... I'm not used to feeling hurt ... I'm used to ignoring it and moving on. I'm guessing it's a good thing that I'm acknowleging the pain ... but it's less than pleasant to do so ...and then to have people have the NERVE to tell me what to be grateful for ... who do they think they are?
What is often over looked is the amount of depression that often accompanies the holidays.
I'm thinking that I know at least part of the problem is the lack of acceptance for anyone who isn't over the top bubbling with enthusiasm for their golden lives.
Yes, that is a tad sarcastic ...but that's how i'm feeling.
I'm not posting this so that I can get "I'm sorry " or encouragment ... I know that few people read this blog ...and few post. I guess I'm writing it in a semi functional/semi public forum so I will at least 'feel' like I got out what I wanted to say without actually drawing attention to myself.
This morning, on Facebook, I posted, as millions did, the things I'm grateful for.
Within minutes I got a private message from someone ...
"You know, you have so much, and there are those with so little ... you should be thanking God that you're healthy, that you've got the things you've got ...you left off so much. You should be ashamed of yourself"
Bowl me over!
EXCUSE ME? Now, if this was someone I'd met on line, I could excuse it. If this was one of my friends from the singing group I was in ... I'd excuse it. One of the 60 friends from high school that are on my page ... I'd excuse it.
But it wasn't. It was from someone currently in my life ... I attended church with them for 10 years. I sat near their family week in and week out ... and before I had time to process this ... 3 more messages with similar messages came through. All from people related to the first. One of them, I'd spent 8 of those 10 years working with him in the music ministry.
Now, granted, I don't go around wearing my health on my sleeve, but neither do I keep it a secret. If I can't do something, I excuse myself apologizing that my health won't allow me to participate.
In the 10 years that I was in the church I was in the hospital 13 times, 8 of them for surgery. Yeah, that's healthy!
I've got so much??? While I've made it a point to raise my children with the mentality of being thankful for what you have ...and living the best life possible ..and I certainly don't wear my poverty on my sleeve, it is far more hidden than my health ...but come on! I got a house through Habitat for Humanity! People who get houses from them do not have 'so much' they are not wealthy and they are usually in pretty strict financial straits ... Some almost reach, but not quite, comfortable. Most, are lacking. WE fall below the poverty level. Always have. We make ends meet because we live within our means (which means our children go without and our clothing is bought at garage sales and second hand stores!)
This year, I'm accutely aware of the fact that my family is not speaking. My parents and I are estranged as is my sister and I. The only family that is talking to me is my niece. She has chosen to spend the day with her boyfriend and the family that they live with. So I have my sons and my husband ...that's it. It is very clear that my family has been blown to shreds ... I wouldn't change a thing about why they're not talking to me .... but it doesn't hurt any less.
This year, more than any other, I seem to be aware of what isn't in my life ... maybe it's the working in therapy on really experiencing emotions. Maybe I've given myself permission to be sad ...
My son has significant issues ...and always will.
My health is fragile at best.
While I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that my husband is still alive, in the back of my mind it keeps nagging at me ...how many more holidays do we have? When will the next event like 2.5 years ago happen ...and will that one take him from me?
My family (extended) no longer exists ... no one is talking to me because I chose to protect my niece. It was the right thing to do ... but it cost me my family.
The family that she lives with has gone on and on about how hard it has been on her ...after all ... she had to cut off ties with her parents ... they go to extremes to make sure that she is not lacking for anything ... but they seem to have forgotten one thing while they remind me of everything that she gave up ... I gave up my parents as well ...and my sister and my nephews and niece ... it wasn't JUST her that gave up the family.
I'm hurting this Thanksgiving ... I'm not used to feeling hurt ... I'm used to ignoring it and moving on. I'm guessing it's a good thing that I'm acknowleging the pain ... but it's less than pleasant to do so ...and then to have people have the NERVE to tell me what to be grateful for ... who do they think they are?
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Why I'm working so hard.
A year and a half ago, I had a long, drawn out conversation with the children's minister at our church. I was unable to convince her that the children with special needs were not getting their basic needs met, much less spiritual or ministry to the family. She simply would not believe that they were not meeting all the needs. (this same minister had done an incredible job with my children going through her program. So when I stepped down from worship ministry to work with the kids, I was quite alarmed at the changes and the lack of patience, kindness and basic respect for these children and their families!)
She insisted that all was being done and they were being treated appropriately, the families were being ministered to, not judged. (then why were all the families of special needs children coming to me in tears begging for help?!? I did not base my conversation with her soley on the parents response (but in part) but in my own observation of how the CHILDREN and PARENTS were being treated by both staff and volunteers ... and the realization that if we'd been treated that way we'd have been out of there! 18 months later, of the 8 children with special needs, from 7 families ... 1 remains. The families left the church.
I got off the phone with her, and turned to my husband, rather frustrated and said "I'm going to back to school to become a child psychologist so I can do this right!" And 2 days later I was enrolled at my school and had applied for financial aide.
This week, the 1 mom remaining called me, she was heart broken over the trouble with school. A lack of services (read back to more than 3 years ago in this blog and you'll see several posts of issues with special education services in the district she lived in. Our primary reason for moving where we did!!) A lack of help/support in the church and finger pointing that if she'd be a better mother she'd have a better kid. I got that from the school, frequently, I did not ever get that from the church. It saddens me that her support system consists of her husband, her parents, and myself (and I'm not at that church anymore .. this conversation in April was the beginning of the end of a 10 year membership. I'd loved the church so much, it took me 3 months to actually leave after we decided to go)
As I helped her to put the pieces together for the IEP meeting in the morning, I was charged up anew over my mission in school. (I had a test in Psychology the next morning and was floundering with the information)
Then, this weekend a conversation with someone else over behavioral issues with the teenager in the home. The realization that there was more going on than teenager issues, and that help was needed left me axious to be able to do more ..and glad I was doing more! I also had some helpful things that came directly from the classes I've taken or am taking that she can put into place while she tries to get professional help.
Sometimes I get lost in the 'need' to get straight A's and forget that the reason I want A's is so that I've learned all that I can out of the class ...and be the best I can be for the families I will serve.
The only question I have is ...will my heart be able to take it when I see the broken hearted parents?
She insisted that all was being done and they were being treated appropriately, the families were being ministered to, not judged. (then why were all the families of special needs children coming to me in tears begging for help?!? I did not base my conversation with her soley on the parents response (but in part) but in my own observation of how the CHILDREN and PARENTS were being treated by both staff and volunteers ... and the realization that if we'd been treated that way we'd have been out of there! 18 months later, of the 8 children with special needs, from 7 families ... 1 remains. The families left the church.
I got off the phone with her, and turned to my husband, rather frustrated and said "I'm going to back to school to become a child psychologist so I can do this right!" And 2 days later I was enrolled at my school and had applied for financial aide.
This week, the 1 mom remaining called me, she was heart broken over the trouble with school. A lack of services (read back to more than 3 years ago in this blog and you'll see several posts of issues with special education services in the district she lived in. Our primary reason for moving where we did!!) A lack of help/support in the church and finger pointing that if she'd be a better mother she'd have a better kid. I got that from the school, frequently, I did not ever get that from the church. It saddens me that her support system consists of her husband, her parents, and myself (and I'm not at that church anymore .. this conversation in April was the beginning of the end of a 10 year membership. I'd loved the church so much, it took me 3 months to actually leave after we decided to go)
As I helped her to put the pieces together for the IEP meeting in the morning, I was charged up anew over my mission in school. (I had a test in Psychology the next morning and was floundering with the information)
Then, this weekend a conversation with someone else over behavioral issues with the teenager in the home. The realization that there was more going on than teenager issues, and that help was needed left me axious to be able to do more ..and glad I was doing more! I also had some helpful things that came directly from the classes I've taken or am taking that she can put into place while she tries to get professional help.
Sometimes I get lost in the 'need' to get straight A's and forget that the reason I want A's is so that I've learned all that I can out of the class ...and be the best I can be for the families I will serve.
The only question I have is ...will my heart be able to take it when I see the broken hearted parents?
Saturday, November 07, 2009
For Wanda
This is the me that you (Wanda) has always known ... with my niece in May 2009.This is me in August of 2009 with my new hair color and my new teeth ....
This is me in September of 2009 ..but the hair is as red as the picture above it, bad lighting you can't tell ... right now, it's a much deeper red. More of a copper than strawberry blonde.
This is me in September of 2009 ..but the hair is as red as the picture above it, bad lighting you can't tell ... right now, it's a much deeper red. More of a copper than strawberry blonde.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Monthly (?) Update
I'm such a terrible blogger. I can't quite give up my blog, but I rarely post ... sigh.
I'm completely enjoying my Biology class (oddly enough) and not enjoying my Personality Theories class at all. I realized today that NSU requires an A in Personality Theories to be accepted to their masters program (glad I found that out now not later!) and they require a B in Abnormal Psychology ...other than that, they just ask for a 3.0 GPA.
I've got an A in Biology (I'm working my butt off there ...about 3 hours per night!) and a B in Personality Theories (and spending very little time on this class) As much as I'm enjoying my biology (and need to put that much time in it to get an A) I think I better switch my focus, be willing to accept a B in bio ...and get to work on my Pers. Theor. Class!!! o.0
It is so boring! The text is bad ...works faster than ambien to put me to sleep and the professor is a 1st semester prof who has never taught before ...laid back, unorganized and well ... easy to tone out (especially since half his lecture time is spent reading directly from the text book!)
I like my speech class ...we'll see if after next Tuesday I feel the same way when I give a 7 minute speech!
Just started my 8 week philosophy class. I think I'll enjoy it ... but the added 6 hours per week to my schedule could be a bit physically daunting ... I'll be in class M-S and Fridays I'm in Bio from 11-12 and philosophy from 6 pm to 9 pm. (the second class is S 9 am to noon)
I really have no time in my life for anything but books and class ....
I'm completely enjoying my Biology class (oddly enough) and not enjoying my Personality Theories class at all. I realized today that NSU requires an A in Personality Theories to be accepted to their masters program (glad I found that out now not later!) and they require a B in Abnormal Psychology ...other than that, they just ask for a 3.0 GPA.
I've got an A in Biology (I'm working my butt off there ...about 3 hours per night!) and a B in Personality Theories (and spending very little time on this class) As much as I'm enjoying my biology (and need to put that much time in it to get an A) I think I better switch my focus, be willing to accept a B in bio ...and get to work on my Pers. Theor. Class!!! o.0
It is so boring! The text is bad ...works faster than ambien to put me to sleep and the professor is a 1st semester prof who has never taught before ...laid back, unorganized and well ... easy to tone out (especially since half his lecture time is spent reading directly from the text book!)
I like my speech class ...we'll see if after next Tuesday I feel the same way when I give a 7 minute speech!
Just started my 8 week philosophy class. I think I'll enjoy it ... but the added 6 hours per week to my schedule could be a bit physically daunting ... I'll be in class M-S and Fridays I'm in Bio from 11-12 and philosophy from 6 pm to 9 pm. (the second class is S 9 am to noon)
I really have no time in my life for anything but books and class ....
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Steep Learning Curve
So, it's been almost a month since I got dentures. I still can't chew food with them. My gums are far too tender and painful.
In the not too distant past, I'd have used that as an excuse to skip meals. But, I made an agreement with my therapist that I'd move forward toward recovery despite of this challenge.
I certainly don't have a perfect record in eating ...but it's better than it's been in a very long time.
The process of the adjusting to dentures has taught me something. It's changed how I look at food ...and my relationship with food.
I have never been able to say "I like ..." or "yum ,this is good" Food is bad ...period and I tolerate some better than others.
However .. I don't know if it's the rebelliousness that I have or if it's just that I'm really moving toward healthy relationship with food ... but it's OK to say that I like certain foods. I miss certain food combinations.
It's also ok to really dislike something ... not all foods will fall into this category of 'tolerable if necessary'
Another thing I've learned, just this week ... kind of floored me.
I assume that people either don't like me, or at best tolerate me. Unless they specify otherwise.
My therapy homework this week consisted of looking for ways that I feel either particularly respected ... or disrespected.
There have been a couple of disrespected incidences ... but there have been a few respected! Which floored me. I'd have told you last Monday that I wouldn't find any of the latter.
The biggest of that was that I went to say hi to my former psych prof. She loved my 'new look' (teeth hair make up) and we talked for close to an hour. It was a great talk but she wound up *asking* me to take one of her classes next fall! She doesn't care which one, just that I'm in her class. I was floored!
Kind of felt like Sally Fields ...she likes me! she really likes me! I'm not just a person who took a couple of classes that she had to tolerate my presence in her class ... she liked me enough to want me in more.
In the not too distant past, I'd have used that as an excuse to skip meals. But, I made an agreement with my therapist that I'd move forward toward recovery despite of this challenge.
I certainly don't have a perfect record in eating ...but it's better than it's been in a very long time.
The process of the adjusting to dentures has taught me something. It's changed how I look at food ...and my relationship with food.
I have never been able to say "I like ..." or "yum ,this is good" Food is bad ...period and I tolerate some better than others.
However .. I don't know if it's the rebelliousness that I have or if it's just that I'm really moving toward healthy relationship with food ... but it's OK to say that I like certain foods. I miss certain food combinations.
It's also ok to really dislike something ... not all foods will fall into this category of 'tolerable if necessary'
Another thing I've learned, just this week ... kind of floored me.
I assume that people either don't like me, or at best tolerate me. Unless they specify otherwise.
My therapy homework this week consisted of looking for ways that I feel either particularly respected ... or disrespected.
There have been a couple of disrespected incidences ... but there have been a few respected! Which floored me. I'd have told you last Monday that I wouldn't find any of the latter.
The biggest of that was that I went to say hi to my former psych prof. She loved my 'new look' (teeth hair make up) and we talked for close to an hour. It was a great talk but she wound up *asking* me to take one of her classes next fall! She doesn't care which one, just that I'm in her class. I was floored!
Kind of felt like Sally Fields ...she likes me! she really likes me! I'm not just a person who took a couple of classes that she had to tolerate my presence in her class ... she liked me enough to want me in more.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Almost done w/make over ..still need a hair cut
The new me ... back to make up ..after 20 years ... dyed my hair red ...and a new smile!
the old me ...dark teeth (although not chipping breaking yet) and dark hair) Saturday, August 08, 2009
new teeth
The swelling in my face is making me look younger I think ...any hints on how to keep that? lol ...look at those nice straight white teeth!!!As soon as I'm feeling better adn the Myasthenia isn't interfering with my ability to smile .... I'll have a new one taken
This shows how darkened and blackened my teeth erew, but the missing and chipped teeth weren't as evident.
one of the before's .... the dark spot is a tooth broke in half, filled in black. The front two teeth were all but black, but to lighten the mouth to see the chips and cracks the coloring had to improve.
one of the before's .... the dark spot is a tooth broke in half, filled in black. The front two teeth were all but black, but to lighten the mouth to see the chips and cracks the coloring had to improve.Now my biggest hurdle ... convincing myself to rest ...my brain is saying "IT'S DONE ...time to get back to 100% !!!" My body is saying "um dear ...you've had significant surgery get your butt in bed and REST"
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
of hair and teeth
Food is starting to taste like food again.
The dentist over the phone said that it was a very rare reaction to the extractions ...but made it sound like it was not unheard of.
When he saw me for the follow up he told me that it was totally impossible for the extraction, but judging by the look of my tongue ... it was a reaction to the thrush!! My tongue was still a bit swollen and he didn't particularly like the size of my taste buds. So he gave me an oral diflunac (sp?) and within a few days it started to dramatically improve!!
With this next procedure (thursday) I'll be given the diflunac as a preventative.
I pick up my teeth on Wednesday and have 16 teeth pulled and denturse put in on thursday.
My blog is private so I'll go aheaed and post this picture. I guess, if it were public I probably should write a rather strong anti bulimia post with the picture. It's not a great picture and the really bad teeth didn't show up in the light. This picture actually makes my teeth look not too bad ...which is bad considering they look really bad in the pic.
I'm looking forward to a 'real' smile where I don't feel like I'm wearing the badge of bulimia ...
The dentist over the phone said that it was a very rare reaction to the extractions ...but made it sound like it was not unheard of.
When he saw me for the follow up he told me that it was totally impossible for the extraction, but judging by the look of my tongue ... it was a reaction to the thrush!! My tongue was still a bit swollen and he didn't particularly like the size of my taste buds. So he gave me an oral diflunac (sp?) and within a few days it started to dramatically improve!!
With this next procedure (thursday) I'll be given the diflunac as a preventative.
I pick up my teeth on Wednesday and have 16 teeth pulled and denturse put in on thursday.
My blog is private so I'll go aheaed and post this picture. I guess, if it were public I probably should write a rather strong anti bulimia post with the picture. It's not a great picture and the really bad teeth didn't show up in the light. This picture actually makes my teeth look not too bad ...which is bad considering they look really bad in the pic.
I'm looking forward to a 'real' smile where I don't feel like I'm wearing the badge of bulimia ...
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Summer 2009
So, it's clear into summer and I'm still not blogging much ... at all.
I've taken the summer off of school in order to get my teeth taken care of. The process is more difficult than I'd forseen and now see the wisdom in my family and my docs pushing me to just concentrate on dental and not go to summer school.
I had 10 teeth removed a couple of weeks ago and in a couple of weeks will have the remaining 16 teeth removed. (was already missing a tooth or two)
I go tomorrow to 'pick out' my dentures ..style and color. Never realized there was that much to the process!!
There has been a couple of unexpected issues with the process ... one ....with only having to consume liquids ... I increased my calories to the amount and timing the endocrinologist has been after me for 3 or 4 years to do ... and I lost 10 lbs! I still can't make sense of intake of double the calories and loose weight.
I started to introduce real food this week and have run into a big issue ...aside from the expected trouble that the eating disorder would cause .... I've ran into a super taste issue. EVERYTHING is too sweet, too salty, too garlicy, too ...you name it, if there is flavor, there is too much!! Everything tastes so over done I can barely eat! Even plain, unsweetened oatmeal was too sweet!! How do you get more bland than unsweetened oatmeal?
So, on top of being a bit overwhelmed by all that food ... that flavor is making it almost impossible to eat ...
I knew that I'd been having issues with the protein shakes and meal replacements being too sweet, but I thought it was just tooooo many sweet things in too short of amount of time. Nope, it's me.
I've done some research on dental procedures and tastes and all I find is a DECREASE of flavor not the opposite!
So .. interesting turn of events I didn't need .. it makes it even harder to eat than ever.
On the 6th I get the rest of the teeth removed, dentures and start school on the 17th.
I hope the next procedure goes more smoothly or starting school 11 days later will be a big challenge!!!
I've taken the summer off of school in order to get my teeth taken care of. The process is more difficult than I'd forseen and now see the wisdom in my family and my docs pushing me to just concentrate on dental and not go to summer school.
I had 10 teeth removed a couple of weeks ago and in a couple of weeks will have the remaining 16 teeth removed. (was already missing a tooth or two)
I go tomorrow to 'pick out' my dentures ..style and color. Never realized there was that much to the process!!
There has been a couple of unexpected issues with the process ... one ....with only having to consume liquids ... I increased my calories to the amount and timing the endocrinologist has been after me for 3 or 4 years to do ... and I lost 10 lbs! I still can't make sense of intake of double the calories and loose weight.
I started to introduce real food this week and have run into a big issue ...aside from the expected trouble that the eating disorder would cause .... I've ran into a super taste issue. EVERYTHING is too sweet, too salty, too garlicy, too ...you name it, if there is flavor, there is too much!! Everything tastes so over done I can barely eat! Even plain, unsweetened oatmeal was too sweet!! How do you get more bland than unsweetened oatmeal?
So, on top of being a bit overwhelmed by all that food ... that flavor is making it almost impossible to eat ...
I knew that I'd been having issues with the protein shakes and meal replacements being too sweet, but I thought it was just tooooo many sweet things in too short of amount of time. Nope, it's me.
I've done some research on dental procedures and tastes and all I find is a DECREASE of flavor not the opposite!
So .. interesting turn of events I didn't need .. it makes it even harder to eat than ever.
On the 6th I get the rest of the teeth removed, dentures and start school on the 17th.
I hope the next procedure goes more smoothly or starting school 11 days later will be a big challenge!!!
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
time passing
So time has flown ...this last year has been a difficult one to say the least. The family drama, which I've kept off the blog.
I blocked my blog because of the family drama so that I could post my feelings about it. Then realized there is someone who reads it that I really need to explain what's happened. Since my phone doesn't dial long distance, and I didn't think reading it on the blog was appropriate ... I've left it off the blog.
I had my therapist uncerimoniously removed from me. (read back to post in April about being on a tightrope)
I had a doctor threaten me ...get back into therapy or find another doc.
So, I got back into therapy.
I left my beloved church of 11 years ...to have no one call and say "Is Don OK?" or a call that says "We'll miss you, but do what you need to do"
I knew I was leaving my church ... I did not know i'd lose my friends in the process.
I started school ...and struggled tremendously the first semester ..and got 4.0 the second.
My teeth continue to deteriorate ...the oral surgeon made it abundantly clear ... it was only bulimia that caused it. There is no medical condition or medication that caused it. I destroyed my teeth with builimia and bulimia alone.
I was diagnosed with gastroperesis ...a problem that often goes with diabetes, but can also becaused by builimia ... I don't have diabetes ...draw your conclusions.
the complications of the ED have been front and center ... and I've fought getting better.
But the realization that I'm 44 and need to have all my teeth taken out ... is a bit sobering.
I'm 44 and loosing all my teeth ...dentures at my age, at my own hand.
lots to ponder as May ends ... I'm moving toward recovery ..but I need to find out what exactly that means for me.
My therapist is concerned I see it as a destination, rather than a journey ... so I need to work on my mindset.
But it was either: recover or fully give into relapse and live that way.
i chose the moving forward ...
I blocked my blog because of the family drama so that I could post my feelings about it. Then realized there is someone who reads it that I really need to explain what's happened. Since my phone doesn't dial long distance, and I didn't think reading it on the blog was appropriate ... I've left it off the blog.
I had my therapist uncerimoniously removed from me. (read back to post in April about being on a tightrope)
I had a doctor threaten me ...get back into therapy or find another doc.
So, I got back into therapy.
I left my beloved church of 11 years ...to have no one call and say "Is Don OK?" or a call that says "We'll miss you, but do what you need to do"
I knew I was leaving my church ... I did not know i'd lose my friends in the process.
I started school ...and struggled tremendously the first semester ..and got 4.0 the second.
My teeth continue to deteriorate ...the oral surgeon made it abundantly clear ... it was only bulimia that caused it. There is no medical condition or medication that caused it. I destroyed my teeth with builimia and bulimia alone.
I was diagnosed with gastroperesis ...a problem that often goes with diabetes, but can also becaused by builimia ... I don't have diabetes ...draw your conclusions.
the complications of the ED have been front and center ... and I've fought getting better.
But the realization that I'm 44 and need to have all my teeth taken out ... is a bit sobering.
I'm 44 and loosing all my teeth ...dentures at my age, at my own hand.
lots to ponder as May ends ... I'm moving toward recovery ..but I need to find out what exactly that means for me.
My therapist is concerned I see it as a destination, rather than a journey ... so I need to work on my mindset.
But it was either: recover or fully give into relapse and live that way.
i chose the moving forward ...
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Therapy and blankets
The two songs I've posted today were recommended to me by my therapist. Talking about healing ...real healing.
Therapy has gone a bit strange in the last few months. I have this brick wall up ... and getting it torn down again has proven harder than I thought. I guess loosing ground with one therapist, then having the other yanked out from under me, the psychiatrist loosing his license ... all of that had a bigger toll on me than I'd anticipated.
The sessions with L are stilted at best ... she isn't a therapist that is willing to just shoot the breeze for an hour ...
It's funny, last week she didn't think we'd made any progress and I saw a lot ...this week I felt like it was odd and she felt like we really made progress. I wonder if the two of us will ever be on the same page.
Honestly, when I started seeing her, I was eating dinner only. No snacks, no lunch, no breakfast ..and was pretty much determined to stay that way. When she said last week that she couldn't record that she'd gotten me anywhere with the eating disorder ... I reminded her of where I started with her and where I was ...eating breakfast most days, lunch almost every day and had even added almonds for a snack. That ... is a far cry from where I was!
My *WILLINGNESS* to be there ... no, that's not changed. A big part of me wants to go back 8 years to when it was ok to have an ED and participate fully in ED behaviors and it all be ok (in my mind it was, but I had to hide it because no one would understand)
In my journal (I shared this with her) I put that my ED was like a blanket with a toddler. Taking it away causes anger, anxiety and comes with great resistance.
The blankie is old, tattered, torn, full of holes, and worn thin. But the toddler doesn't care! To take it away is to take away the comfort that it offers.
But like a toddler with a worn out blankie, my arms and legs are getting tied up the holes. The blankie will no longer cover me, offer me warmth ... and has grown too small. It no longer serves the purpose it once did (to keep me thin, in control and some symbolance of percieved order). Yet, when someone tries to take it away, I dig in my heels and fight like hell to keep it a part of me. Determined that some day, some how it will work once again. It's grown too small, it is no longer effective except in allowing me some self comfort and denial that it actually works.
Therapy has gone a bit strange in the last few months. I have this brick wall up ... and getting it torn down again has proven harder than I thought. I guess loosing ground with one therapist, then having the other yanked out from under me, the psychiatrist loosing his license ... all of that had a bigger toll on me than I'd anticipated.
The sessions with L are stilted at best ... she isn't a therapist that is willing to just shoot the breeze for an hour ...
It's funny, last week she didn't think we'd made any progress and I saw a lot ...this week I felt like it was odd and she felt like we really made progress. I wonder if the two of us will ever be on the same page.
Honestly, when I started seeing her, I was eating dinner only. No snacks, no lunch, no breakfast ..and was pretty much determined to stay that way. When she said last week that she couldn't record that she'd gotten me anywhere with the eating disorder ... I reminded her of where I started with her and where I was ...eating breakfast most days, lunch almost every day and had even added almonds for a snack. That ... is a far cry from where I was!
My *WILLINGNESS* to be there ... no, that's not changed. A big part of me wants to go back 8 years to when it was ok to have an ED and participate fully in ED behaviors and it all be ok (in my mind it was, but I had to hide it because no one would understand)
In my journal (I shared this with her) I put that my ED was like a blanket with a toddler. Taking it away causes anger, anxiety and comes with great resistance.
The blankie is old, tattered, torn, full of holes, and worn thin. But the toddler doesn't care! To take it away is to take away the comfort that it offers.
But like a toddler with a worn out blankie, my arms and legs are getting tied up the holes. The blankie will no longer cover me, offer me warmth ... and has grown too small. It no longer serves the purpose it once did (to keep me thin, in control and some symbolance of percieved order). Yet, when someone tries to take it away, I dig in my heels and fight like hell to keep it a part of me. Determined that some day, some how it will work once again. It's grown too small, it is no longer effective except in allowing me some self comfort and denial that it actually works.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
WOWOWOWOWOW
Ok, it's been a long time since I've posted and this will be short. I've got a raging UTI and not feeling my best. Top that off, I fell down the last 4 steps on the stairs at school today.
I have, technically, one week left of school. However, I have no classes and my social psych final on monday.
The rest ... taken care of. My nutrition final was this past monday and ... tada! I don't have to take either the sociology OR the ALGEBRA final.
Why? because I have an A on the final! an A!! ME .. an A in algebra... I'm totally stunned ...
and thrilled ...
wish I could type more but ..my body needs to lay down
I have, technically, one week left of school. However, I have no classes and my social psych final on monday.
The rest ... taken care of. My nutrition final was this past monday and ... tada! I don't have to take either the sociology OR the ALGEBRA final.
Why? because I have an A on the final! an A!! ME .. an A in algebra... I'm totally stunned ...
and thrilled ...
wish I could type more but ..my body needs to lay down
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Free To Be Me by: Francesca Battistelli
Free To Be Me
Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
-Words and Music by: Francesca Battistelli
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
ARRESTED
https://www.joinmda.org/brokenarrow2009/PearlsofanEagle
I NEED YOUR HELP!
I'm going behind bars for "GOOD"
PLEASE HELP BAIL ME OUT!
Your donation is my key to freedom!
Be proud of the fact that together we're providing help and hope to kids and adults served by MDA in our community. Thanks for making a difference!
For those that think one of these diseases will never touch me. Think again. If you know me, if you're a friend of me ... then you've been touched in some way by one of these 40 neuromuscular diseases. I cannot imagine how different my life would be without the research and services that the MDA has provided for those of us with Myasthenia Gravis. I know for sure, they have made a difference, both in my health, and my learning about the disease when I first got sick. PLEASE give to MDA so other families can benifit from their desperately needed services!
I NEED YOUR HELP!
I'm going behind bars for "GOOD"
PLEASE HELP BAIL ME OUT!
Your donation is my key to freedom!
Be proud of the fact that together we're providing help and hope to kids and adults served by MDA in our community. Thanks for making a difference!
For those that think one of these diseases will never touch me. Think again. If you know me, if you're a friend of me ... then you've been touched in some way by one of these 40 neuromuscular diseases. I cannot imagine how different my life would be without the research and services that the MDA has provided for those of us with Myasthenia Gravis. I know for sure, they have made a difference, both in my health, and my learning about the disease when I first got sick. PLEASE give to MDA so other families can benifit from their desperately needed services!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Time flies
I went to a moderated blog so that I would feel more free in posting ...I thought it would get me back to blogging, that doesn't seem to be happening.
Spring break is next week.
During Spring break I will have a take home test, 2 reports and an oral report to write. Not to mention the fact that the week after spring break will come TWO tests. (psych and algebra ...and quite possibly ..sociology)
I can't stand my sociology class. It's one saving grace is that I *really* look forward to Algebra by the time it's over!! (back to back classes)
The professor could not be more boring if he tried ...well, yeah, I guess if he spoke in a mono tone, maybe.
My friend Teresa calls it 'bankclerk education' ... just depositing the information and assuming it gets to where it needs to go.
ARGH! NO student/professor interchange ... no professor interacting with class ...we sit there and listen to him spit out details with no *real* explination of what it means.
He gives us scenerio's occassionally, but they are obviously ones that *he* relates to, and not necessarily the ones that would best serve the situation (or ones that would pertain to our lives as students)
YAWN ..... Yawn ... the only thing that keeps me awake is his interminable habit of saying "OK?" at the end of EVERY sentence. I, out of sheer boredome one day counted the OK's with talleys ... 170 of them in a ONE HOUR LECTURE!!
I'm doing a book report on "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" ...FACINATING book. If you get the chance, read it. I read it in less than 24 hours (including class and sleep!). Easy read, fast read and intriquing topic. (Chinese ... I think 17th century)
My therapist and I are making progress ...slow and steady. Although I realized this last week that ... well ...she's been seeing me for 6 months and is about to find out this is my second marriage. That seems like a major detail for me to have left out. Not quite sure how I'm going to justify that one! (the leaving it out of my history,not the marriage)
Yesterday we were discussing my over all stubborn streak that has been an inate part of me since infancy. Somewhat self destructive even as a tot ...and into elementary school. Being incredibly strong willed ...
she mused "and how does that translate to the therapy process?"
Um .... *you* have a lot of work to do?
She corrected me with a *we* have a lot to do.
*ahem*
Spring break is next week.
During Spring break I will have a take home test, 2 reports and an oral report to write. Not to mention the fact that the week after spring break will come TWO tests. (psych and algebra ...and quite possibly ..sociology)
I can't stand my sociology class. It's one saving grace is that I *really* look forward to Algebra by the time it's over!! (back to back classes)
The professor could not be more boring if he tried ...well, yeah, I guess if he spoke in a mono tone, maybe.
My friend Teresa calls it 'bankclerk education' ... just depositing the information and assuming it gets to where it needs to go.
ARGH! NO student/professor interchange ... no professor interacting with class ...we sit there and listen to him spit out details with no *real* explination of what it means.
He gives us scenerio's occassionally, but they are obviously ones that *he* relates to, and not necessarily the ones that would best serve the situation (or ones that would pertain to our lives as students)
YAWN ..... Yawn ... the only thing that keeps me awake is his interminable habit of saying "OK?" at the end of EVERY sentence. I, out of sheer boredome one day counted the OK's with talleys ... 170 of them in a ONE HOUR LECTURE!!
I'm doing a book report on "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" ...FACINATING book. If you get the chance, read it. I read it in less than 24 hours (including class and sleep!). Easy read, fast read and intriquing topic. (Chinese ... I think 17th century)
My therapist and I are making progress ...slow and steady. Although I realized this last week that ... well ...she's been seeing me for 6 months and is about to find out this is my second marriage. That seems like a major detail for me to have left out. Not quite sure how I'm going to justify that one! (the leaving it out of my history,not the marriage)
Yesterday we were discussing my over all stubborn streak that has been an inate part of me since infancy. Somewhat self destructive even as a tot ...and into elementary school. Being incredibly strong willed ...
she mused "and how does that translate to the therapy process?"
Um .... *you* have a lot of work to do?
She corrected me with a *we* have a lot to do.
*ahem*
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
checking in
I've got a nutrition test on Friday. Sociology test on Thursday.
Not looking forward to either.
Doing great in Algebra. Who'd have thunk it!!
Have no idea when Social Psych test will be ...we're way behind ... should have been today, but it's after chapter 4 and we're still on Chapter 3.
She's having a rough time with this class. Today she threatened to lock the door. AFTER she asked 2 students to stop talking and one student to put his phone away and stop texting. About 5 or 6 students came in and out, one did it twice! (these all distracted me as well, so it's not like they did it quietly!) I wish I had an answer to give her. She's one of the most patient, kind instructors I've ever seen, at any level. For her to have lost patience ... I hope the students realize they crossed a line that never should have been crossed.
One student will not realize ...she'll blame it on the others. She was in our class last semester. I guarentee she doesn't see herself as one of the problems ..even though she was one of the talkers and got up and left and came back.
Oddly enough, today's subject matter was one of ...blaming others for our own actions.
Well this is a short post because I've got a therapy appt in a half hour!
hope everyone is fine.
Not looking forward to either.
Doing great in Algebra. Who'd have thunk it!!
Have no idea when Social Psych test will be ...we're way behind ... should have been today, but it's after chapter 4 and we're still on Chapter 3.
She's having a rough time with this class. Today she threatened to lock the door. AFTER she asked 2 students to stop talking and one student to put his phone away and stop texting. About 5 or 6 students came in and out, one did it twice! (these all distracted me as well, so it's not like they did it quietly!) I wish I had an answer to give her. She's one of the most patient, kind instructors I've ever seen, at any level. For her to have lost patience ... I hope the students realize they crossed a line that never should have been crossed.
One student will not realize ...she'll blame it on the others. She was in our class last semester. I guarentee she doesn't see herself as one of the problems ..even though she was one of the talkers and got up and left and came back.
Oddly enough, today's subject matter was one of ...blaming others for our own actions.
Well this is a short post because I've got a therapy appt in a half hour!
hope everyone is fine.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Praise You In This Storm
Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Something Beautiful By The Newsboys
I wanna start it over
I wanna start again
I want a new beginning
One without an end
I feel it inside
Calling out to me
CHORUS
It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful(Yeah Yeah)
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Somethings beautiful
I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
It's the child on her wedding day
It's the daddy that gives her away
Something beautiful
When we laugh so hard we cry
Oh the love between you and I
Something beautiful
REPEAT CHORUS
REPEAT BRIDGE
Something beautiful
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
School ...
Well ... last week we had an algebra homework assignment. Shocked myself by getting 100% correct.
Today we had an algebra test ... I begged him to 'look at it real quick' for me, since he was my professor last semester, he knew how much it meant.
He grinned and said "you missed parts of 4 ... it'll be in the 80's"
a B!!!
Pk got a B in algebra on a TEST!!!!!
Sociology ...ugh. It's been hard. He's been using Durkheim's research on suicide to explain Sociological research patterns.
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide ... I've heard the word so often you'd think I'd be desensitized to it ... I'm not. The anniversary of Daddy's death is Thursday. I guess I will always be bothered by suicide.
Nutrition ... geeps. Well, professor now knows my history. She figured it out. It does feel far less stressful to have her KNOW I've got an eating disorder than to be sitting in there feeling like a fraud.
I'm going to be in a bit of trouble when I show my newest assignment to the therapist tomorrow. The last 7 days of my dietary intake. I swear I thought I was doing better. When I started to see Leslie (therapist that got yanked from under me) in May of 2007, I told her I was eating about 800 calories a day. I am now seeing Lindsey and told her I'm doing significantly better. I guess that food is still a huge issue for me, because I've underestimated caloric intake ...dramatically.
Calorie Assessment
A close-up picture of the Calories consumed.
Profile Info
Personal: Peggikaye Female 44 yrs 5 ft 2 in *** lb
Day(s): 1/28/09, 1/29/09, 1/30/09, 1/31/09, 2/1/09, 2/2/09, 2/3/09
Activity Level: Low Active
Strive for an Active activity level.
Weight Lose: 2 lb per week
Best not to exceed 2 lbs per week.
BMI: **.*
Calories to maintain current weight
Calories to maintain current weight
2771
Calorie adjustment for weight change of 2 lb (per week)
-1000
Goal Calories
1771
Average Daily Intake & Expenditures
Average Intake
727
Calories For The Day
Goal
Intake
Assessment
Total Calories
1771
727
Below Goal
Carbohydrates (45-65% Calories)
796 to 1150
395
Below Goal
Protein (10-35% Calories)
177 to 620
156
Below Goal
Fat (20-35% Calories)
354 to 620
176
Below Goal
*********************************************
ok, so that's an average for a week. Maybe the 'malnutrition' the doctors keep hounding me about has less to do with gastroperisis and more to do with me than I thought.
Social Psychology loving my class. Same professor as developmental psych. She's very encouraging. I got to talk with her for about an hour after class on Monday. First, she said I'm definitely in the right career path (goal wise) and then we somehow came on the subject of my eating disorder (geesh, it's haunting me!)
She asked me a lot of questions, I think as an educator as much as interest in me myself.
But, we both agreed that it is something I've got to get a handle on ...
She made the remark that it must be making school far more difficult (both the energy wasting on it, avoiding food or any other such behavior) as well as not getting enough nutrtition to support the brain. Not to mention the continued damage possibly being done to my body. (ok, so she left off the word possibly)
We talked about it not being very practical for a psychologist to have such a difficult hold on oneself. It wouldn't look right if I passed out in front of a family I was trying to help. I agreed.
SSoooooo now my report on my last weeks food intake is my this weeks assignment. Maybe some of the reality of it will start taking hold.
Today we had an algebra test ... I begged him to 'look at it real quick' for me, since he was my professor last semester, he knew how much it meant.
He grinned and said "you missed parts of 4 ... it'll be in the 80's"
a B!!!
Pk got a B in algebra on a TEST!!!!!
Sociology ...ugh. It's been hard. He's been using Durkheim's research on suicide to explain Sociological research patterns.
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide ... I've heard the word so often you'd think I'd be desensitized to it ... I'm not. The anniversary of Daddy's death is Thursday. I guess I will always be bothered by suicide.
Nutrition ... geeps. Well, professor now knows my history. She figured it out. It does feel far less stressful to have her KNOW I've got an eating disorder than to be sitting in there feeling like a fraud.
I'm going to be in a bit of trouble when I show my newest assignment to the therapist tomorrow. The last 7 days of my dietary intake. I swear I thought I was doing better. When I started to see Leslie (therapist that got yanked from under me) in May of 2007, I told her I was eating about 800 calories a day. I am now seeing Lindsey and told her I'm doing significantly better. I guess that food is still a huge issue for me, because I've underestimated caloric intake ...dramatically.
Calorie Assessment
A close-up picture of the Calories consumed.
Profile Info
Personal: Peggikaye Female 44 yrs 5 ft 2 in *** lb
Day(s): 1/28/09, 1/29/09, 1/30/09, 1/31/09, 2/1/09, 2/2/09, 2/3/09
Activity Level: Low Active
Strive for an Active activity level.
Weight Lose: 2 lb per week
Best not to exceed 2 lbs per week.
BMI: **.*
Calories to maintain current weight
Calories to maintain current weight
2771
Calorie adjustment for weight change of 2 lb (per week)
-1000
Goal Calories
1771
Average Daily Intake & Expenditures
Average Intake
727
Calories For The Day
Goal
Intake
Assessment
Total Calories
1771
727
Below Goal
Carbohydrates (45-65% Calories)
796 to 1150
395
Below Goal
Protein (10-35% Calories)
177 to 620
156
Below Goal
Fat (20-35% Calories)
354 to 620
176
Below Goal
*********************************************
ok, so that's an average for a week. Maybe the 'malnutrition' the doctors keep hounding me about has less to do with gastroperisis and more to do with me than I thought.
Social Psychology loving my class. Same professor as developmental psych. She's very encouraging. I got to talk with her for about an hour after class on Monday. First, she said I'm definitely in the right career path (goal wise) and then we somehow came on the subject of my eating disorder (geesh, it's haunting me!)
She asked me a lot of questions, I think as an educator as much as interest in me myself.
But, we both agreed that it is something I've got to get a handle on ...
She made the remark that it must be making school far more difficult (both the energy wasting on it, avoiding food or any other such behavior) as well as not getting enough nutrtition to support the brain. Not to mention the continued damage possibly being done to my body. (ok, so she left off the word possibly)
We talked about it not being very practical for a psychologist to have such a difficult hold on oneself. It wouldn't look right if I passed out in front of a family I was trying to help. I agreed.
SSoooooo now my report on my last weeks food intake is my this weeks assignment. Maybe some of the reality of it will start taking hold.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Classes
Well, this semester is certainly going to be interesting. Taking the same psychology professor with the idea of "knowing what to expect" backfired! Her social psych class is far more detailed, and has more work than Dev. Psych. (I thought she was a passionate instructor about Developmental Psych ... however compared with her passion for Social Psych, she paled by comparisson. This, is a good thing)
My nutrition class is going to be difficult, both work wise and emotionally. I expected a class that was a biology based class on Nutrition (description of class gave me that idea, it's a biology course) However, this class is SO personalized. It does not seem to be about nutrition in general, however, but about MY nutritional habits, etc. Today, I skipped class deciding that I was not going to do the body fat analysis in front of the whole class. Just too personal of information and quite frankly, none of my classmates business!
I'm not quite sure that it's my professors business, nutrition class or not. She's not my medical team, my eating disorder treatment team, she is my PROFESSOR. Having my body fat/weight and other medical information is really quite intrusive.
All the nutrition classes at the school do it this way. It's too late for me to drop out without complications from financial aide.
My Sociology class is going to be quite the ride. zzzzzzzzzz wake me when it's over please!! Lecture only and no class discussion or interaction between students and professor. Top that off with 3/4 of what he says makes no sense (if I'd not read the book, I'd have NO idea what he was trying to get acrossed!) and then he says "OK?" at the end of every sentence! To keep myself focused (literally) I tag marked each and every OK on Tuesday's lecture ... 170 OK?'s in one hour!!! Seriously! That's the ones I caught! It did help me stay focused on what he was saying, because he's very easy to tone out.
He hit some buttons too ... first he says "NEVER ever generalize or use stereotypes"
Then he calls the class "kids"
He then informed the class that none of 'you kids' remember not having cell phones, microwaves and you don't even know what a cassette is!
Um ... dude ... (yes, I used dude because he's so young and drove me nuts) I remember when we got our first microwave, I remember black and white TV, and I was graduated from high school before I ever laid eyes on a VCR (beta!). Cell phones, no, not everyone has one, despite your comment that 'absolutely everybody these days have a cell phone' and please please please stop assuming that we are all the same, with the same memories and same desires ...there are 18 to at least 44 year olds (me) in the class and I know ages inbetween (my friend Teresa, age 32 is in the class with me) (by the way, we got our microwave the year Teresa was born, I was in junior high)
ARGH! And top it off, the BIGGEST event to effect american SOCIETY and especially politics in MY lifetime (born after Kennedy's assasination) happened yesterday and you (an african american professor) didn't even MENTION it
Ok ... then algebra, same class I did so poorly in last semester. Off to a good start so far, really am. Hopeful. Not nearly as stressed in class or doing homework ...
oddly enough, Algebra may prove to be my favorite class this semester, how twisted would that be?
My nutrition class is going to be difficult, both work wise and emotionally. I expected a class that was a biology based class on Nutrition (description of class gave me that idea, it's a biology course) However, this class is SO personalized. It does not seem to be about nutrition in general, however, but about MY nutritional habits, etc. Today, I skipped class deciding that I was not going to do the body fat analysis in front of the whole class. Just too personal of information and quite frankly, none of my classmates business!
I'm not quite sure that it's my professors business, nutrition class or not. She's not my medical team, my eating disorder treatment team, she is my PROFESSOR. Having my body fat/weight and other medical information is really quite intrusive.
All the nutrition classes at the school do it this way. It's too late for me to drop out without complications from financial aide.
My Sociology class is going to be quite the ride. zzzzzzzzzz wake me when it's over please!! Lecture only and no class discussion or interaction between students and professor. Top that off with 3/4 of what he says makes no sense (if I'd not read the book, I'd have NO idea what he was trying to get acrossed!) and then he says "OK?" at the end of every sentence! To keep myself focused (literally) I tag marked each and every OK on Tuesday's lecture ... 170 OK?'s in one hour!!! Seriously! That's the ones I caught! It did help me stay focused on what he was saying, because he's very easy to tone out.
He hit some buttons too ... first he says "NEVER ever generalize or use stereotypes"
Then he calls the class "kids"
He then informed the class that none of 'you kids' remember not having cell phones, microwaves and you don't even know what a cassette is!
Um ... dude ... (yes, I used dude because he's so young and drove me nuts) I remember when we got our first microwave, I remember black and white TV, and I was graduated from high school before I ever laid eyes on a VCR (beta!). Cell phones, no, not everyone has one, despite your comment that 'absolutely everybody these days have a cell phone' and please please please stop assuming that we are all the same, with the same memories and same desires ...there are 18 to at least 44 year olds (me) in the class and I know ages inbetween (my friend Teresa, age 32 is in the class with me) (by the way, we got our microwave the year Teresa was born, I was in junior high)
ARGH! And top it off, the BIGGEST event to effect american SOCIETY and especially politics in MY lifetime (born after Kennedy's assasination) happened yesterday and you (an african american professor) didn't even MENTION it
Ok ... then algebra, same class I did so poorly in last semester. Off to a good start so far, really am. Hopeful. Not nearly as stressed in class or doing homework ...
oddly enough, Algebra may prove to be my favorite class this semester, how twisted would that be?
Monday, January 12, 2009
looking back
One of the things I've come to realize over the last several months (couple of years?) is that things aren't always what we percieve them to be at the time.
I'm the queen of denial .. I think that has been my survival for many a year (decade?) and for one reason or another, it doesn't work anymore. Along with the failure of denial for current time and place ... has come an enlightenment of past events in my life. A clarity of what I actually went through.
When I was first urged (read forced) to go into therapy by my primary care doc, the psychiatrist immediately diagnosed me with an eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. I was shocked as could be that they had the NERVE to diagnose the eating disorder! But totally confused at the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!!
What? ME? WHY?
The second appointment, it was the first question out of my mouth ..what is this and why?
He looked at me like I'd asked him if he was human. (could you ask a more obvious question???) He took a couple of moments, took a couple of breaths, started to talk a couple of times but had to stop and then finally said "why do you think you Don't have it?"
I asked him "just what have I been through that has been so traumatic?"
He looked at me again like he was stunned. "Do you not think that finding your step father after he'd committed suicide was traumatic?"
"Oh"
I let the subject drop.
I'd been asked in my 'evaluation' about 'ALL TRAUMATIC EVENTS' ...but it probably took 5 years of therapy for them to come tumbling out.
It was about 3 or 4 months into it when something was mentioned about my 2 pregnancies. I said "3"
"Three? you have 2 sons"
"yes, but I lost a baby at 20 weeks, a girl"
Again with the stunned look.
"Peggikaye, that .. had to have been traumatic, do you really not realize how traumatized you've been?"
Time went on, and secrets slipped out, most of them traumas.
When I started therapy I told them I'd had a happy childhood, secure and balanced. I realize now that was my very rose colored glasses ...looking back in my denial because I didn't want to, or couldn't handle the truth.
The realization that ... I went to 12 schools between kindergarten and 12th grade ...not exactly secure.
Recently, I've been in contact with the step mother that I had from age 13 months to age 25. She put in that letter that I had one of the hardest, most traumatic lives that she could imagine. (HUH??? WHAT?) She admired how strong I was, and that she wasn't surprised that I was seeking the truth now, because that is who I was as a child ...always the truth seeker.
I did come to the realization about a year and a half ago that my childhood was far more difficult than I'd let myself believe. I really don't think I knew why. Recently, I think I've figured out that I thought ..if I admited it was tough while my step father was alive ...did that make him a bad dad. (answer, no) But somehow, I had to paint, in my mind, that life with Daddy was all roses and picnics ... when in fact there was a reason I see him as my refuge and safety ...because ... I often needed to take refuge and safety in a world that was often chaotic, and empty and cruel.
It has painted a lot of who I am. But if I don't get at the truth, the real truth, then I don't think I can continue growing into who I want to be.
I wrote a poem once, I've put in on here many times ..but it's so true ..will I ever become who I am supposed to be if I'm hiding behind a mask who is not me? (paraphrased)
I'm the queen of denial .. I think that has been my survival for many a year (decade?) and for one reason or another, it doesn't work anymore. Along with the failure of denial for current time and place ... has come an enlightenment of past events in my life. A clarity of what I actually went through.
When I was first urged (read forced) to go into therapy by my primary care doc, the psychiatrist immediately diagnosed me with an eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. I was shocked as could be that they had the NERVE to diagnose the eating disorder! But totally confused at the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!!
What? ME? WHY?
The second appointment, it was the first question out of my mouth ..what is this and why?
He looked at me like I'd asked him if he was human. (could you ask a more obvious question???) He took a couple of moments, took a couple of breaths, started to talk a couple of times but had to stop and then finally said "why do you think you Don't have it?"
I asked him "just what have I been through that has been so traumatic?"
He looked at me again like he was stunned. "Do you not think that finding your step father after he'd committed suicide was traumatic?"
"Oh"
I let the subject drop.
I'd been asked in my 'evaluation' about 'ALL TRAUMATIC EVENTS' ...but it probably took 5 years of therapy for them to come tumbling out.
It was about 3 or 4 months into it when something was mentioned about my 2 pregnancies. I said "3"
"Three? you have 2 sons"
"yes, but I lost a baby at 20 weeks, a girl"
Again with the stunned look.
"Peggikaye, that .. had to have been traumatic, do you really not realize how traumatized you've been?"
Time went on, and secrets slipped out, most of them traumas.
When I started therapy I told them I'd had a happy childhood, secure and balanced. I realize now that was my very rose colored glasses ...looking back in my denial because I didn't want to, or couldn't handle the truth.
The realization that ... I went to 12 schools between kindergarten and 12th grade ...not exactly secure.
Recently, I've been in contact with the step mother that I had from age 13 months to age 25. She put in that letter that I had one of the hardest, most traumatic lives that she could imagine. (HUH??? WHAT?) She admired how strong I was, and that she wasn't surprised that I was seeking the truth now, because that is who I was as a child ...always the truth seeker.
I did come to the realization about a year and a half ago that my childhood was far more difficult than I'd let myself believe. I really don't think I knew why. Recently, I think I've figured out that I thought ..if I admited it was tough while my step father was alive ...did that make him a bad dad. (answer, no) But somehow, I had to paint, in my mind, that life with Daddy was all roses and picnics ... when in fact there was a reason I see him as my refuge and safety ...because ... I often needed to take refuge and safety in a world that was often chaotic, and empty and cruel.
It has painted a lot of who I am. But if I don't get at the truth, the real truth, then I don't think I can continue growing into who I want to be.
I wrote a poem once, I've put in on here many times ..but it's so true ..will I ever become who I am supposed to be if I'm hiding behind a mask who is not me? (paraphrased)
Friday, January 09, 2009
Sara Groves - Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)
And more like
Character
A Post
It has been brought to my attention that I've not been posting ... whoops.
I went private so that I had the freedom TO post ...and I'm still not posting. It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's that I have too much to say.
I'm not quite sure how to get it out in a reasonable manner. I don't want pity, and I don't want people to think I'm trying to get pity. I don't know really how to find the balance between blogging to get it out ..and blogging for myself ..and not worrying about how others will take it.
There is a lot going on inside of me right now ... some extremely positive ..and some extremely negative. Some is happening in the here and now, and some is messes from my past being churned up and spit out. Both are things I need to write about. It's the writer in me.
I'm not doing myself any favors by not getting it out. I went private with the specific purpose of being able to write what I needed to write ..and then continued to be silent. *shrug*
I need to get back to writing before the things inside me overwelm me.
I went private so that I had the freedom TO post ...and I'm still not posting. It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's that I have too much to say.
I'm not quite sure how to get it out in a reasonable manner. I don't want pity, and I don't want people to think I'm trying to get pity. I don't know really how to find the balance between blogging to get it out ..and blogging for myself ..and not worrying about how others will take it.
There is a lot going on inside of me right now ... some extremely positive ..and some extremely negative. Some is happening in the here and now, and some is messes from my past being churned up and spit out. Both are things I need to write about. It's the writer in me.
I'm not doing myself any favors by not getting it out. I went private with the specific purpose of being able to write what I needed to write ..and then continued to be silent. *shrug*
I need to get back to writing before the things inside me overwelm me.
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