Yoga is more than I'd expected

Letter to my therapist (I've been on a month break, I see her next week)

I don't expect you to read this before I see you next Wednesday, but I almost emailed you last week and spent the whole week talking myself out of it. I thought if I continued to talk myself out of it, I might not even bring it up next week so, for accountability sake, I'm emailing it now. It also helps that I've just finished with my class and it's all fresh in my mind.
I've been interested in Yoga for years, but wasn't healthy enough to do so, so when I got the scholarship to do this AND the doctor's approval and I knew you were all for it, I went for it. As you said "in typical Peggikaye style."
I was excited and caught quite off guard by the pain relief ... that alone makes this journey worth it. If I can get 6 hours a week of pain free, it's golden!
Last week, when we got to the end, the meditative portion, I became almost tearful and had no idea why. Tuesday, I realized that the tearfulness started when Sunny said to 'let the earth support you' I think the feeling of being supported, not having to do it myself was a bit more than I'd expected.
an
I've been praying about this for a while, and was asking God to give me a scripture in particular to meditate on. I sat on my mat today and immediately a couple of scriptures popped into my mind that I usually don't think about in relation to me, but have used frequently when trying to encourage a friend Psalm 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well; and Jerimiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I didn't expect that and as hard as I tried to think of some other verse to focus on, throughout the whole work out if I wasn't concentrating on breathing and poses ..those were the words running through my mind.

Tuesday, I made the drastic mistake of letting my perfectionism come through and wound up sooo very sore ... I didn't try to make accomodations, I tried to do what the instructor was doing ... part of it was frustration at knowing that there was a time in my life that my muscles and joints could do those things, part was frustration at my weight and my long time frustration with my legs being too long for my short body and my arms being too short. Not a good combo when you're trying to do certain things, add to the mix the weight getting in the way, I became competative with my teenage self and frustrated at my middle aged self ... and determined to do it 'right'. lesson learned.

So, today, I spoke with Sunny before class and she said she was somewhat surprised at what I could do, having never taken yoga before, but I was doing it, so she let me be. She promised to either verbally hint that the pose could be accomodated or to show me a beginning pose. My soreness disappeared as class went on. Which, hit me that I'm working so hard to be perfect that ... I usually wind up hurting myself in the process.
She's been talking about some of the philosophy of yoga ...today she talked about not being greedy. I can't remember the terms she used, but the way she phrased it included trying to gain skills that are unnecessary .. and at times may not be what God has planned for me. I may be over philosophizing there, but not sure. I'm going to think on that.

When we reached the meditative part of the class and as I started to relax the tears started up again. I tensed up in an attempt to stop them (which worked) and as I breathed to relax again, the tears started ... oddly enough, I've been so afraid that if I cried I'd be a bumbling mess, but it wasn't like that, it was simply tears rolling down the sides of my face. It struck me that since I was supposed to be perfectly still, I couldn't wipe them away. Tensed up again and the realization that I've spent years fighting tears ...and the energy it was taking to fight those tears ... suddenly seemed as wasteful as the oil spilling into the gulf. (crude analogy, but it was what came to mind.)

As I relaxed, the tears came again and Psalm 56:8 came to mind
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.If I am hanging onto them …how can God collect them? So, I laid there with tears falling down my face and not able to particpate in the exercise if I fought them and unable to wipe them away to hide them … and so they rolled down my cheeks. They were gentle and easy and no one seemed the wiser as we packed up to go.

I’m a bit overwhelmed … I know you mentioned the yoga effecting emotions, but I’m not sure how, or why or if I even am supposed to understand it at this point. I got in the car and turned on my CD and a song came on called “Remember Surrender” (same CD as the one that has Less like Scars that I shared with you a while back)
Remember surrender
Remember the rest
Remember that weight lifting off of your chest
And realizing that it's not up to you and it never was
Remember surrender
Remember relief
Remember how tears rolled down both of your cheeks
As the warmth of a heavenly father came closing in

I want to do that again
Why can't I live there
And make my home
In sweet surrender
I want to do so much more than remember

Remember surrender
Remember peace
Remember how soundly you fell fast asleep
In the face of your troubles your future still shone like the morning sun
Remember surrender
Remember that sound
Of all of those voices dying down
But one who speaks clearly of helping and healing you deep within
I want to do that again
Why can't I live there
And make my home
In sweet surrender
I want to do so much more than remember
Remember
Oh surrender.


Anyway, those are the thoughts that have been going through my mind. I’m feeling a bit out of control because I have no idea where God is going to lead me with all of this and well, I kind of like knowing what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, where I’m going and how I’m going to get there.

See you Wednesday.
Peggikaye

Mindfulness and Self Care

My therapist is good. Really good. She's managed to get me further toward recovery than either previous therapist. Oddly enough I felt more closely connected, emotionally, than with her.

Two things she is always talking to me about is Mindfulness and Self Care.

I've not done very well with wrapping my brain around those concepts. In the last 24 hours I've had 2 conversations where I saw people struggling and realized the hints given to me would be of help to them. In explaining it to them .. a switch was clicked in my brain. I got it! (guess that's why the say teachers tend to learn more than students?)

Mindfulness ..keeping your mind in the here and now. What is in front of you. Mindfulness is being researched a lot these days. UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center has much to say about Mindfulness.

What is Mindful Awareness?
Mindful Awareness - the moment-by-moment process of actively attending to, observing and drawing inferences from what one experiences. Mindful Awareness (also known as mindfulness) is an ancient concept with over 2,500 years of history and development that has recently been brought into health settings and has shown to have a powerful role on overall health promotion and healing for a variety of physical illnesses including cancer, heart disease, arthritis, auto-immune disorders, chronic pain, depression, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.


My therapist has given me a few exercises on it but it wasn't until today, explaining it to a friend just what it's meant. How to do it. I was reaching for a way to explain it, realized I needed to find something she could relate to ..ironically, it was also something *I* could relate to and it 'clicked' for me.

Coffee ... she and I both love coffee.
So, I told her to

Pick up the coffee cup.
Observe the coolness of the empty ceramic. The smoothness (if it is in fact smooth) of the cup, the texture, how heavy it is, what it FEELS like in the hand.
Fill the cup with the coffee. Notice the sound of the liquid pouring into the cup.
Pick up the mug, now feel the changes in the warmth of the mug. It's warmth escaping the mug to your hand, the steam warming your face.
Smell the coffee it's rich brew. What color is it? Dark, medium or maybe what my husband refers to as "newspaper coffee" (so weak you can read a newspaper through it)
Take a small taste (yes, even if you don't drink it black. Or maybe, especially if you don't drink it black)
Feel the liquid as it makes it's way down your throat
What muscles are used?
What does the bitterness taste like, pleasant? Unpleasant?
Aftertaste?

then go ahead and flavor the coffee with whatever you use to flavor it. Pay attention to the sound of the spoon in the cup as you stir it in.

Then taste it, what makes it different than black. Feel it warm your mouth and your throat as it makes its way into the stomach.

Breathe deep while doing all this ... Breathing in to the count of 4, holding for 4 and breathing out for the count of 8.

Paying attention to each step, each sensation (involving all of your senses) keeps you in the here and now. Not worried about if your child got off the bus with all their homework. What is for dinner 12 hours from now? Did I get everything done on yesterday's to do list? How can I possibly do everything on today's to do list?

For that few minutes ... you're there with a cup of coffee and nothing else matters.

It's calming
It's healing for the mind
It's refreshing
It's renewing.

Try it ... you'll be pleased with the result.
If you find yourself in the muddle of day to day worries or in a crisis ... you'll find that participating in a few minutes of mindfulness ... a few times a week ...or a day ... will bring peace.

Me Poster

Made this for therapy. Monday, we begin talking about sadness ... and the begin the process of trauma therapy. If you've read my blog for any length of time you know this is long over due. (and probably assumed I'd started it long ago ..but I didn't ..and now circumstances have pushed me to finally doing something about it)

It's going to be an interesting ride.
I finally decide that it's time to get down to the business of therapy ... and ... my therapy team ... seems to dissapate on me. Dr. M leaves to go to another clinic, with the intention of me following him, but the insurance doesn't work out. The same day I find out I won't be following him, I find out that my therapist will be taking an emergency medical leave. She was supposed to have taken off right then for 6 weeks, however they had to work a few things out, and I saw her a couple more times. Her leave starts now. It will be 6 weeks starting now.

Could be interesting timing. We had a problem with social security ... they messed up, and my disability managed to get cancelled ... we are trying to get it fixed, should get fixed, but who knows how long it may get to fix. Hopefully quickly, our income has dropped to $495 for the month of October (for a family of 4!) um ..er ..uh ... yikes! What I don't know is ... does this mean my MEDICAL coverage has stopped as well? Or does the medicare/medicaid continue as well? I'm up a creek if that stopped when the social security disability stopped. The doctor appointments not being able to be kept is one thing .. not being able to get my rx's filled ...that ... is a whole 'nother kettle of fish!

What was frustrating, was calling Social Security and having them say "yes, we show that you called to say that you never got the forms, and that we didn't send them, but we still cancelled you because you didn't send them back into us." SAY WHAT? AND since when do you notify someone AFTER you've cancelled them????

My oh my.

Therapywise ... L, keeps saying that I'm disassociating during therapy. I'm not really sure what she means by that. This last time, she said that I did it more than normal. I know that I 'freeze' and don't know how to answer what she wants me to answer ... I get kind of numb. I guess I'll have to talk to her about that when she comes back. But, I'm aware of what is going on in the room ... I'm there ... I'm just 'stuck' and unable to respond, overwhelmed by what she's talking about or wants from me.

Her assignment while she's gone is for me to figure out what comfort is ... and how to be comforted.