Eyes Open, Heart Broken

I've posted about my sons issues ...over and over again.

I've been aware of what his problems are almost from birth.

But I'm not sure I ever SAW it.

I was sitting in the library today, with someone attempting to tutor me in algebra.

I was on the verge of tears ... I was worn out ...tired ... and overwhelmed.

As we were discussing something, I don't know what ... it hit me .. this feeling that Algebra gives me ...it's the only subject that can reduce me to a pile of tears ... it is only in working with algebra that I feel
stupid
confused
unprepared
unable
brainless
half witted
simple
slow
dull
dumb

I could go on ..and yes, I do understand, intellectually that those adjectives do not apply to me ... most of them anyway (no one can deny that I'm unprepared for this or that I'm confused ...). I know I'm not stupid, dumb or brainless but that doesn't change how I feel when I'm sitting in a class full of people who are GETTING IT and everything might as well be taking place in French for all I understand. (I might understand more in French than Algebriac!)

It hit me ...my son has an IQ of 80, he has auditory and visual processing disorder, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome ...
Federal laws require students to work at CHRONILOGICAL Grade level rather than FUNCTIONAL grade level. He's working on 11th grade work with a 5th grade reading level. Take a 10 year old, throw them into school with Juniors and watch them succeed ...not!

This is how he feels, every minute of every school day ..and has for his whole school career! (which started at age 3 and he's now 18)

Wow ... while this will probably help me when I get to my degree and work with kids with issues ... I get it ... but what does it do for me as a mom who can't seem to help her son ...

I get it, my eyes are open ...but it breaks my heart that things are this hard!

Pefection's Secret Plans

By Peggikaye Eagler

Perfection comes in bright shiny clothes,
“Effortless” paths to my lofty goals.
Reminding me success with in an arm’s length,
Fear is subtle but it’s the true strength,
Ever whispering promises of delight,
Contradicting failures true plight.
Take my advice, it cajoles me often,
It keeps my heart from learning to soften,
Ominous demands, grow greater with time
Never knowing I’ve been trapped by its slime.
Destruction comes more subtly dressed,
Entering quietly whispering “no rest”
Side by Side with Perfection performs
Truth is hidden about my life’s real norms.
Ruthless as Perfection, but simply more deadly.
Unwilling to let go of its power,
Convincing me I must obey or be a coward.
Tip toeing around the issues at hand,
Insisting I keep things buried in sand.
Over and over it reminds me the goal
Never give up or you’ve lost your soul.
Breaking free, it’s harder than you’d think
Recognizing the twins, it’s you they’ll sink.
Amazingly there is an escape from their plan.
Knowing the truth about their stories to fail,
In no way shape or form will loss lock me in jail.
No laws require me to bind with their contract,
Growth, kindness love releases me to interact.
Finally, my eyes and heart start to bloom,
Relearning skills to heal hidden doom.
Every time Perfection takes hold
Destruction follows, making life cold.
Breaking loose away from their grip,
Free and healthy brings a lively new trip.









© Peggikaye Eagler

worst day of the year.

First, I want to start off by offering my condolances to one of my dearest friends. We went to church together for 5 years and barely, if ever, spoke. We wound up in a class together and got to know each other. We still refer to it as "THAT class" .. it was a good class, but it was an incredibly painful past as we talked about how we got to be who we were.

Wanda and I learned that for every one thing that we did not have in common, we had three that we did.

I don't see her as often as I'd like. Since I left the church, it's required real effort to keep the relationship going ...but the heart of it, is there, will always be there.

She is a mother ... and her youngest, Chris has had many challenges ... agoraphobia ... severe agoraphobia at that. I adored Chris ... he was delightful, funny and rather precious.

A couple of years ago, we had an ice storm. Much of Oklahoma suffered greatly. We, like most of the state, lost electricity. Within a couple of days, our cell phones died ... and we were left without ability to communicate with family and friends.
Her son, her agoraphobic son ... had Wanda bring him to check on us, so that he could see with his own eyes that we were ok. It was a delightful visit ... one I will never forget.

A week ago, Chris passed away ...at 27 years old. A cold, pneumonia and septicemia. Taken too young too soon ...with too much in front of him.

My heart breaks for her ...
Wanda, you're so very precious to me ..and as RS said today ... you're so easy to love.
Please keep her in your prayers and if you would, stop by her blog to let her know she's being covered in prayers.


It's February 5 (2 am) and once again, I'm looking at the calendar anxious for this day to be gone ...31 years ago today, I found my step fathers body after he committed suicide.

I can't say it's gotten better over the years, but the grief has changed.

I loved him so ... so very much. I don't think I'll ever be able to say that all things worked out ... nothing in my life is better off without him. He'd only have enriched every good experience and made the bad ones just a bit more bearable.

Daddy, Chris ... we're anxiously awaiting the day when we get to see your smiles and hear your laughter again. You are loved, will always be loved and treasured. Thank you both, for the memories.

Opening up

I closed my blog, making it a permission only blog for about a year and a half. I wanted a forum to write, semi privately, about some issues. I found myself not writing about those issues, and not writing much at all. I decided to open it back up, maybe I'll keep up better with it as an open blog.

A New Semester

With only intermediate algebra and college algebra left to go for my basics, that means, I'm primarily doing my 'degree focused' course work. This semester I'm taking Intermediate Algebra, Child Psychology, Adult Psychology and Women's studies.

I'm really excited about the Women's Studies class. When I was told there might not be one because of lack of enrollment, I went into recruitment mode and there are about 20 people (normal is about 8 for this class!!) I know that 6 of them are people I etheir cajolled or begged or pleaded to take. (ok, so a couple I just had to mention, but a couple I really drove them nuts with "you're taking it aren't you?"

My hair is ever evolving ... it's short still and red still but it changes ...

I'll try to get a post up tomorrow (ok, later today)

Christmas 2009

Butternut Squash Soup (homemade)

Not the best Christmas ... 4th blizzard in states history made it a pretty one, that's for sure.

It's Thanksgiving, a day that is traditionally set apart for being thankful for all that you have.

What is often over looked is the amount of depression that often accompanies the holidays.

I'm thinking that I know at least part of the problem is the lack of acceptance for anyone who isn't over the top bubbling with enthusiasm for their golden lives.

Yes, that is a tad sarcastic ...but that's how i'm feeling.
I'm not posting this so that I can get "I'm sorry " or encouragment ... I know that few people read this blog ...and few post. I guess I'm writing it in a semi functional/semi public forum so I will at least 'feel' like I got out what I wanted to say without actually drawing attention to myself.

This morning, on Facebook, I posted, as millions did, the things I'm grateful for.
Within minutes I got a private message from someone ...
"You know, you have so much, and there are those with so little ... you should be thanking God that you're healthy, that you've got the things you've got ...you left off so much. You should be ashamed of yourself"

Bowl me over!
EXCUSE ME? Now, if this was someone I'd met on line, I could excuse it. If this was one of my friends from the singing group I was in ... I'd excuse it. One of the 60 friends from high school that are on my page ... I'd excuse it.
But it wasn't. It was from someone currently in my life ... I attended church with them for 10 years. I sat near their family week in and week out ... and before I had time to process this ... 3 more messages with similar messages came through. All from people related to the first. One of them, I'd spent 8 of those 10 years working with him in the music ministry.

Now, granted, I don't go around wearing my health on my sleeve, but neither do I keep it a secret. If I can't do something, I excuse myself apologizing that my health won't allow me to participate.

In the 10 years that I was in the church I was in the hospital 13 times, 8 of them for surgery. Yeah, that's healthy!

I've got so much??? While I've made it a point to raise my children with the mentality of being thankful for what you have ...and living the best life possible ..and I certainly don't wear my poverty on my sleeve, it is far more hidden than my health ...but come on! I got a house through Habitat for Humanity! People who get houses from them do not have 'so much' they are not wealthy and they are usually in pretty strict financial straits ... Some almost reach, but not quite, comfortable. Most, are lacking. WE fall below the poverty level. Always have. We make ends meet because we live within our means (which means our children go without and our clothing is bought at garage sales and second hand stores!)

This year, I'm accutely aware of the fact that my family is not speaking. My parents and I are estranged as is my sister and I. The only family that is talking to me is my niece. She has chosen to spend the day with her boyfriend and the family that they live with. So I have my sons and my husband ...that's it. It is very clear that my family has been blown to shreds ... I wouldn't change a thing about why they're not talking to me .... but it doesn't hurt any less.


This year, more than any other, I seem to be aware of what isn't in my life ... maybe it's the working in therapy on really experiencing emotions. Maybe I've given myself permission to be sad ...

My son has significant issues ...and always will.
My health is fragile at best.
While I'm incredibly grateful for the fact that my husband is still alive, in the back of my mind it keeps nagging at me ...how many more holidays do we have? When will the next event like 2.5 years ago happen ...and will that one take him from me?
My family (extended) no longer exists ... no one is talking to me because I chose to protect my niece. It was the right thing to do ... but it cost me my family.

The family that she lives with has gone on and on about how hard it has been on her ...after all ... she had to cut off ties with her parents ... they go to extremes to make sure that she is not lacking for anything ... but they seem to have forgotten one thing while they remind me of everything that she gave up ... I gave up my parents as well ...and my sister and my nephews and niece ... it wasn't JUST her that gave up the family.

I'm hurting this Thanksgiving ... I'm not used to feeling hurt ... I'm used to ignoring it and moving on. I'm guessing it's a good thing that I'm acknowleging the pain ... but it's less than pleasant to do so ...and then to have people have the NERVE to tell me what to be grateful for ... who do they think they are?

Why I'm working so hard.

A year and a half ago, I had a long, drawn out conversation with the children's minister at our church. I was unable to convince her that the children with special needs were not getting their basic needs met, much less spiritual or ministry to the family. She simply would not believe that they were not meeting all the needs. (this same minister had done an incredible job with my children going through her program. So when I stepped down from worship ministry to work with the kids, I was quite alarmed at the changes and the lack of patience, kindness and basic respect for these children and their families!)

She insisted that all was being done and they were being treated appropriately, the families were being ministered to, not judged. (then why were all the families of special needs children coming to me in tears begging for help?!? I did not base my conversation with her soley on the parents response (but in part) but in my own observation of how the CHILDREN and PARENTS were being treated by both staff and volunteers ... and the realization that if we'd been treated that way we'd have been out of there! 18 months later, of the 8 children with special needs, from 7 families ... 1 remains. The families left the church.

I got off the phone with her, and turned to my husband, rather frustrated and said "I'm going to back to school to become a child psychologist so I can do this right!" And 2 days later I was enrolled at my school and had applied for financial aide.

This week, the 1 mom remaining called me, she was heart broken over the trouble with school. A lack of services (read back to more than 3 years ago in this blog and you'll see several posts of issues with special education services in the district she lived in. Our primary reason for moving where we did!!) A lack of help/support in the church and finger pointing that if she'd be a better mother she'd have a better kid. I got that from the school, frequently, I did not ever get that from the church. It saddens me that her support system consists of her husband, her parents, and myself (and I'm not at that church anymore .. this conversation in April was the beginning of the end of a 10 year membership. I'd loved the church so much, it took me 3 months to actually leave after we decided to go)

As I helped her to put the pieces together for the IEP meeting in the morning, I was charged up anew over my mission in school. (I had a test in Psychology the next morning and was floundering with the information)

Then, this weekend a conversation with someone else over behavioral issues with the teenager in the home. The realization that there was more going on than teenager issues, and that help was needed left me axious to be able to do more ..and glad I was doing more! I also had some helpful things that came directly from the classes I've taken or am taking that she can put into place while she tries to get professional help.

Sometimes I get lost in the 'need' to get straight A's and forget that the reason I want A's is so that I've learned all that I can out of the class ...and be the best I can be for the families I will serve.

The only question I have is ...will my heart be able to take it when I see the broken hearted parents?

For Wanda

This is the me that you (Wanda) has always known ... with my niece in May 2009.

This is me in August of 2009 with my new hair color and my new teeth .... This is me in September of 2009 ..but the hair is as red as the picture above it, bad lighting you can't tell ... right now, it's a much deeper red. More of a copper than strawberry blonde.

Swine Flu Song

this is hilarious ...now that it's come through my house ... it's even funnier

Monthly (?) Update

I'm such a terrible blogger. I can't quite give up my blog, but I rarely post ... sigh.

I'm completely enjoying my Biology class (oddly enough) and not enjoying my Personality Theories class at all. I realized today that NSU requires an A in Personality Theories to be accepted to their masters program (glad I found that out now not later!) and they require a B in Abnormal Psychology ...other than that, they just ask for a 3.0 GPA.

I've got an A in Biology (I'm working my butt off there ...about 3 hours per night!) and a B in Personality Theories (and spending very little time on this class) As much as I'm enjoying my biology (and need to put that much time in it to get an A) I think I better switch my focus, be willing to accept a B in bio ...and get to work on my Pers. Theor. Class!!! o.0
It is so boring! The text is bad ...works faster than ambien to put me to sleep and the professor is a 1st semester prof who has never taught before ...laid back, unorganized and well ... easy to tone out (especially since half his lecture time is spent reading directly from the text book!)


I like my speech class ...we'll see if after next Tuesday I feel the same way when I give a 7 minute speech!

Just started my 8 week philosophy class. I think I'll enjoy it ... but the added 6 hours per week to my schedule could be a bit physically daunting ... I'll be in class M-S and Fridays I'm in Bio from 11-12 and philosophy from 6 pm to 9 pm. (the second class is S 9 am to noon)

I really have no time in my life for anything but books and class ....

Steep Learning Curve

So, it's been almost a month since I got dentures. I still can't chew food with them. My gums are far too tender and painful.

In the not too distant past, I'd have used that as an excuse to skip meals. But, I made an agreement with my therapist that I'd move forward toward recovery despite of this challenge.

I certainly don't have a perfect record in eating ...but it's better than it's been in a very long time.

The process of the adjusting to dentures has taught me something. It's changed how I look at food ...and my relationship with food.

I have never been able to say "I like ..." or "yum ,this is good" Food is bad ...period and I tolerate some better than others.

However .. I don't know if it's the rebelliousness that I have or if it's just that I'm really moving toward healthy relationship with food ... but it's OK to say that I like certain foods. I miss certain food combinations.

It's also ok to really dislike something ... not all foods will fall into this category of 'tolerable if necessary'

Another thing I've learned, just this week ... kind of floored me.

I assume that people either don't like me, or at best tolerate me. Unless they specify otherwise.

My therapy homework this week consisted of looking for ways that I feel either particularly respected ... or disrespected.

There have been a couple of disrespected incidences ... but there have been a few respected! Which floored me. I'd have told you last Monday that I wouldn't find any of the latter.

The biggest of that was that I went to say hi to my former psych prof. She loved my 'new look' (teeth hair make up) and we talked for close to an hour. It was a great talk but she wound up *asking* me to take one of her classes next fall! She doesn't care which one, just that I'm in her class. I was floored!

Kind of felt like Sally Fields ...she likes me! she really likes me! I'm not just a person who took a couple of classes that she had to tolerate my presence in her class ... she liked me enough to want me in more.

Almost done w/make over ..still need a hair cut

The new me ... back to make up ..after 20 years ... dyed my hair red ...and a new smile!

the old me ...dark teeth (although not chipping breaking yet) and dark hair)

new teeth

The swelling in my face is making me look younger I think ...any hints on how to keep that? lol ...look at those nice straight white teeth!!!
As soon as I'm feeling better adn the Myasthenia isn't interfering with my ability to smile .... I'll have a new one taken

This shows how darkened and blackened my teeth erew, but the missing and chipped teeth weren't as evident.

one of the before's .... the dark spot is a tooth broke in half, filled in black. The front two teeth were all but black, but to lighten the mouth to see the chips and cracks the coloring had to improve.

one of the before's .... the dark spot is a tooth broke in half, filled in black. The front two teeth were all but black, but to lighten the mouth to see the chips and cracks the coloring had to improve.

Now my biggest hurdle ... convincing myself to rest ...my brain is saying "IT'S DONE ...time to get back to 100% !!!" My body is saying "um dear ...you've had significant surgery get your butt in bed and REST"

of hair and teeth

Food is starting to taste like food again.

The dentist over the phone said that it was a very rare reaction to the extractions ...but made it sound like it was not unheard of.
When he saw me for the follow up he told me that it was totally impossible for the extraction, but judging by the look of my tongue ... it was a reaction to the thrush!! My tongue was still a bit swollen and he didn't particularly like the size of my taste buds. So he gave me an oral diflunac (sp?) and within a few days it started to dramatically improve!!

With this next procedure (thursday) I'll be given the diflunac as a preventative.
I pick up my teeth on Wednesday and have 16 teeth pulled and denturse put in on thursday.

My blog is private so I'll go aheaed and post this picture. I guess, if it were public I probably should write a rather strong anti bulimia post with the picture. It's not a great picture and the really bad teeth didn't show up in the light. This picture actually makes my teeth look not too bad ...which is bad considering they look really bad in the pic.


I'm looking forward to a 'real' smile where I don't feel like I'm wearing the badge of bulimia ...

Summer 2009

So, it's clear into summer and I'm still not blogging much ... at all.

I've taken the summer off of school in order to get my teeth taken care of. The process is more difficult than I'd forseen and now see the wisdom in my family and my docs pushing me to just concentrate on dental and not go to summer school.

I had 10 teeth removed a couple of weeks ago and in a couple of weeks will have the remaining 16 teeth removed. (was already missing a tooth or two)
I go tomorrow to 'pick out' my dentures ..style and color. Never realized there was that much to the process!!

There has been a couple of unexpected issues with the process ... one ....with only having to consume liquids ... I increased my calories to the amount and timing the endocrinologist has been after me for 3 or 4 years to do ... and I lost 10 lbs! I still can't make sense of intake of double the calories and loose weight.

I started to introduce real food this week and have run into a big issue ...aside from the expected trouble that the eating disorder would cause .... I've ran into a super taste issue. EVERYTHING is too sweet, too salty, too garlicy, too ...you name it, if there is flavor, there is too much!! Everything tastes so over done I can barely eat! Even plain, unsweetened oatmeal was too sweet!! How do you get more bland than unsweetened oatmeal?

So, on top of being a bit overwhelmed by all that food ... that flavor is making it almost impossible to eat ...

I knew that I'd been having issues with the protein shakes and meal replacements being too sweet, but I thought it was just tooooo many sweet things in too short of amount of time. Nope, it's me.

I've done some research on dental procedures and tastes and all I find is a DECREASE of flavor not the opposite!

So .. interesting turn of events I didn't need .. it makes it even harder to eat than ever.

On the 6th I get the rest of the teeth removed, dentures and start school on the 17th.

I hope the next procedure goes more smoothly or starting school 11 days later will be a big challenge!!!

I really hate it when I go looking for an old post ...and my blog won't load.

I guess after almost 5 years of blogging, it's getting full?

time passing

So time has flown ...this last year has been a difficult one to say the least. The family drama, which I've kept off the blog.

I blocked my blog because of the family drama so that I could post my feelings about it. Then realized there is someone who reads it that I really need to explain what's happened. Since my phone doesn't dial long distance, and I didn't think reading it on the blog was appropriate ... I've left it off the blog.

I had my therapist uncerimoniously removed from me. (read back to post in April about being on a tightrope)

I had a doctor threaten me ...get back into therapy or find another doc.

So, I got back into therapy.

I left my beloved church of 11 years ...to have no one call and say "Is Don OK?" or a call that says "We'll miss you, but do what you need to do"

I knew I was leaving my church ... I did not know i'd lose my friends in the process.

I started school ...and struggled tremendously the first semester ..and got 4.0 the second.

My teeth continue to deteriorate ...the oral surgeon made it abundantly clear ... it was only bulimia that caused it. There is no medical condition or medication that caused it. I destroyed my teeth with builimia and bulimia alone.

I was diagnosed with gastroperesis ...a problem that often goes with diabetes, but can also becaused by builimia ... I don't have diabetes ...draw your conclusions.

the complications of the ED have been front and center ... and I've fought getting better.

But the realization that I'm 44 and need to have all my teeth taken out ... is a bit sobering.
I'm 44 and loosing all my teeth ...dentures at my age, at my own hand.

lots to ponder as May ends ... I'm moving toward recovery ..but I need to find out what exactly that means for me.
My therapist is concerned I see it as a destination, rather than a journey ... so I need to work on my mindset.
But it was either: recover or fully give into relapse and live that way.

i chose the moving forward ...

Therapy and blankets

The two songs I've posted today were recommended to me by my therapist. Talking about healing ...real healing.

Therapy has gone a bit strange in the last few months. I have this brick wall up ... and getting it torn down again has proven harder than I thought. I guess loosing ground with one therapist, then having the other yanked out from under me, the psychiatrist loosing his license ... all of that had a bigger toll on me than I'd anticipated.

The sessions with L are stilted at best ... she isn't a therapist that is willing to just shoot the breeze for an hour ...

It's funny, last week she didn't think we'd made any progress and I saw a lot ...this week I felt like it was odd and she felt like we really made progress. I wonder if the two of us will ever be on the same page.

Honestly, when I started seeing her, I was eating dinner only. No snacks, no lunch, no breakfast ..and was pretty much determined to stay that way. When she said last week that she couldn't record that she'd gotten me anywhere with the eating disorder ... I reminded her of where I started with her and where I was ...eating breakfast most days, lunch almost every day and had even added almonds for a snack. That ... is a far cry from where I was!

My *WILLINGNESS* to be there ... no, that's not changed. A big part of me wants to go back 8 years to when it was ok to have an ED and participate fully in ED behaviors and it all be ok (in my mind it was, but I had to hide it because no one would understand)

In my journal (I shared this with her) I put that my ED was like a blanket with a toddler. Taking it away causes anger, anxiety and comes with great resistance.
The blankie is old, tattered, torn, full of holes, and worn thin. But the toddler doesn't care! To take it away is to take away the comfort that it offers.

But like a toddler with a worn out blankie, my arms and legs are getting tied up the holes. The blankie will no longer cover me, offer me warmth ... and has grown too small. It no longer serves the purpose it once did (to keep me thin, in control and some symbolance of percieved order). Yet, when someone tries to take it away, I dig in my heels and fight like hell to keep it a part of me. Determined that some day, some how it will work once again. It's grown too small, it is no longer effective except in allowing me some self comfort and denial that it actually works.

You can relax now - Shaina Noll- in the beauty of Nature