How Could Anyone Ever Tell You by Shaina Noll

Straight A's

Peggikaye Eagler got STRAIGHT A's for the spring semester of 2009!!!!!!!!!!!

WOWOWOWOWOW

Ok, it's been a long time since I've posted and this will be short. I've got a raging UTI and not feeling my best. Top that off, I fell down the last 4 steps on the stairs at school today.

I have, technically, one week left of school. However, I have no classes and my social psych final on monday.

The rest ... taken care of. My nutrition final was this past monday and ... tada! I don't have to take either the sociology OR the ALGEBRA final.

Why? because I have an A on the final! an A!! ME .. an A in algebra... I'm totally stunned ...
and thrilled ...


wish I could type more but ..my body needs to lay down

When The Saints - Sara Groves

and when i'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

Free To Be Me by: Francesca Battistelli

Free To Be Me
Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

-Words and Music by: Francesca Battistelli

ARRESTED

https://www.joinmda.org/brokenarrow2009/PearlsofanEagle

I NEED YOUR HELP!
I'm going behind bars for "GOOD"
PLEASE HELP BAIL ME OUT!
Your donation is my key to freedom!
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For those that think one of these diseases will never touch me. Think again. If you know me, if you're a friend of me ... then you've been touched in some way by one of these 40 neuromuscular diseases. I cannot imagine how different my life would be without the research and services that the MDA has provided for those of us with Myasthenia Gravis. I know for sure, they have made a difference, both in my health, and my learning about the disease when I first got sick. PLEASE give to MDA so other families can benifit from their desperately needed services!

Time flies

I went to a moderated blog so that I would feel more free in posting ...I thought it would get me back to blogging, that doesn't seem to be happening.

Spring break is next week.

During Spring break I will have a take home test, 2 reports and an oral report to write. Not to mention the fact that the week after spring break will come TWO tests. (psych and algebra ...and quite possibly ..sociology)

I can't stand my sociology class. It's one saving grace is that I *really* look forward to Algebra by the time it's over!! (back to back classes)
The professor could not be more boring if he tried ...well, yeah, I guess if he spoke in a mono tone, maybe.

My friend Teresa calls it 'bankclerk education' ... just depositing the information and assuming it gets to where it needs to go.
ARGH! NO student/professor interchange ... no professor interacting with class ...we sit there and listen to him spit out details with no *real* explination of what it means.
He gives us scenerio's occassionally, but they are obviously ones that *he* relates to, and not necessarily the ones that would best serve the situation (or ones that would pertain to our lives as students)

YAWN ..... Yawn ... the only thing that keeps me awake is his interminable habit of saying "OK?" at the end of EVERY sentence. I, out of sheer boredome one day counted the OK's with talleys ... 170 of them in a ONE HOUR LECTURE!!

I'm doing a book report on "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" ...FACINATING book. If you get the chance, read it. I read it in less than 24 hours (including class and sleep!). Easy read, fast read and intriquing topic. (Chinese ... I think 17th century)

My therapist and I are making progress ...slow and steady. Although I realized this last week that ... well ...she's been seeing me for 6 months and is about to find out this is my second marriage. That seems like a major detail for me to have left out. Not quite sure how I'm going to justify that one! (the leaving it out of my history,not the marriage)

Yesterday we were discussing my over all stubborn streak that has been an inate part of me since infancy. Somewhat self destructive even as a tot ...and into elementary school. Being incredibly strong willed ...
she mused "and how does that translate to the therapy process?"

Um .... *you* have a lot of work to do?

She corrected me with a *we* have a lot to do.

*ahem*

checking in

I've got a nutrition test on Friday. Sociology test on Thursday.

Not looking forward to either.

Doing great in Algebra. Who'd have thunk it!!

Have no idea when Social Psych test will be ...we're way behind ... should have been today, but it's after chapter 4 and we're still on Chapter 3.

She's having a rough time with this class. Today she threatened to lock the door. AFTER she asked 2 students to stop talking and one student to put his phone away and stop texting. About 5 or 6 students came in and out, one did it twice! (these all distracted me as well, so it's not like they did it quietly!) I wish I had an answer to give her. She's one of the most patient, kind instructors I've ever seen, at any level. For her to have lost patience ... I hope the students realize they crossed a line that never should have been crossed.

One student will not realize ...she'll blame it on the others. She was in our class last semester. I guarentee she doesn't see herself as one of the problems ..even though she was one of the talkers and got up and left and came back.

Oddly enough, today's subject matter was one of ...blaming others for our own actions.

Well this is a short post because I've got a therapy appt in a half hour!

hope everyone is fine.

Praise You In This Storm

Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Something Beautiful By The Newsboys

I wanna start it over
I wanna start again
I want a new beginning
One without an end
I feel it inside
Calling out to me

CHORUS
It's a voice that whispers my name
It's a kiss without any shame
Something beautiful(Yeah Yeah)
Like a song that stirs in my head
Singing love will take us where
Somethings beautiful

I've heard it in the silence
Seen it on a face
I've felt it in a long hour
Like a sweet embrace
I know this is true
It's calling out to me

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
It's the child on her wedding day
It's the daddy that gives her away
Something beautiful
When we laugh so hard we cry
Oh the love between you and I
Something beautiful

REPEAT CHORUS

REPEAT BRIDGE

Something beautiful

School ...

Well ... last week we had an algebra homework assignment. Shocked myself by getting 100% correct.
Today we had an algebra test ... I begged him to 'look at it real quick' for me, since he was my professor last semester, he knew how much it meant.

He grinned and said "you missed parts of 4 ... it'll be in the 80's"

a B!!!

Pk got a B in algebra on a TEST!!!!!

Sociology ...ugh. It's been hard. He's been using Durkheim's research on suicide to explain Sociological research patterns.
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide
Suicide ... I've heard the word so often you'd think I'd be desensitized to it ... I'm not. The anniversary of Daddy's death is Thursday. I guess I will always be bothered by suicide.

Nutrition ... geeps. Well, professor now knows my history. She figured it out. It does feel far less stressful to have her KNOW I've got an eating disorder than to be sitting in there feeling like a fraud.
I'm going to be in a bit of trouble when I show my newest assignment to the therapist tomorrow. The last 7 days of my dietary intake. I swear I thought I was doing better. When I started to see Leslie (therapist that got yanked from under me) in May of 2007, I told her I was eating about 800 calories a day. I am now seeing Lindsey and told her I'm doing significantly better. I guess that food is still a huge issue for me, because I've underestimated caloric intake ...dramatically.


Calorie Assessment
A close-up picture of the Calories consumed.
Profile Info
Personal: Peggikaye Female 44 yrs 5 ft 2 in *** lb
Day(s): 1/28/09, 1/29/09, 1/30/09, 1/31/09, 2/1/09, 2/2/09, 2/3/09
Activity Level: Low Active
Strive for an Active activity level.
Weight Lose: 2 lb per week
Best not to exceed 2 lbs per week.
BMI: **.*

Calories to maintain current weight
Calories to maintain current weight
2771
Calorie adjustment for weight change of 2 lb (per week)
-1000
Goal Calories
1771
Average Daily Intake & Expenditures
Average Intake
727
Calories For The Day
Goal
Intake
Assessment
Total Calories
1771
727
Below Goal
Carbohydrates (45-65% Calories)
796 to 1150
395
Below Goal
Protein (10-35% Calories)
177 to 620
156
Below Goal
Fat (20-35% Calories)
354 to 620
176
Below Goal
*********************************************
ok, so that's an average for a week. Maybe the 'malnutrition' the doctors keep hounding me about has less to do with gastroperisis and more to do with me than I thought.

Social Psychology loving my class. Same professor as developmental psych. She's very encouraging. I got to talk with her for about an hour after class on Monday. First, she said I'm definitely in the right career path (goal wise) and then we somehow came on the subject of my eating disorder (geesh, it's haunting me!)
She asked me a lot of questions, I think as an educator as much as interest in me myself.
But, we both agreed that it is something I've got to get a handle on ...
She made the remark that it must be making school far more difficult (both the energy wasting on it, avoiding food or any other such behavior) as well as not getting enough nutrtition to support the brain. Not to mention the continued damage possibly being done to my body. (ok, so she left off the word possibly)
We talked about it not being very practical for a psychologist to have such a difficult hold on oneself. It wouldn't look right if I passed out in front of a family I was trying to help. I agreed.


SSoooooo now my report on my last weeks food intake is my this weeks assignment. Maybe some of the reality of it will start taking hold.

Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant

definition of resiliancy

Classes

Well, this semester is certainly going to be interesting. Taking the same psychology professor with the idea of "knowing what to expect" backfired! Her social psych class is far more detailed, and has more work than Dev. Psych. (I thought she was a passionate instructor about Developmental Psych ... however compared with her passion for Social Psych, she paled by comparisson. This, is a good thing)

My nutrition class is going to be difficult, both work wise and emotionally. I expected a class that was a biology based class on Nutrition (description of class gave me that idea, it's a biology course) However, this class is SO personalized. It does not seem to be about nutrition in general, however, but about MY nutritional habits, etc. Today, I skipped class deciding that I was not going to do the body fat analysis in front of the whole class. Just too personal of information and quite frankly, none of my classmates business!
I'm not quite sure that it's my professors business, nutrition class or not. She's not my medical team, my eating disorder treatment team, she is my PROFESSOR. Having my body fat/weight and other medical information is really quite intrusive.
All the nutrition classes at the school do it this way. It's too late for me to drop out without complications from financial aide.

My Sociology class is going to be quite the ride. zzzzzzzzzz wake me when it's over please!! Lecture only and no class discussion or interaction between students and professor. Top that off with 3/4 of what he says makes no sense (if I'd not read the book, I'd have NO idea what he was trying to get acrossed!) and then he says "OK?" at the end of every sentence! To keep myself focused (literally) I tag marked each and every OK on Tuesday's lecture ... 170 OK?'s in one hour!!! Seriously! That's the ones I caught! It did help me stay focused on what he was saying, because he's very easy to tone out.

He hit some buttons too ... first he says "NEVER ever generalize or use stereotypes"
Then he calls the class "kids"
He then informed the class that none of 'you kids' remember not having cell phones, microwaves and you don't even know what a cassette is!

Um ... dude ... (yes, I used dude because he's so young and drove me nuts) I remember when we got our first microwave, I remember black and white TV, and I was graduated from high school before I ever laid eyes on a VCR (beta!). Cell phones, no, not everyone has one, despite your comment that 'absolutely everybody these days have a cell phone' and please please please stop assuming that we are all the same, with the same memories and same desires ...there are 18 to at least 44 year olds (me) in the class and I know ages inbetween (my friend Teresa, age 32 is in the class with me) (by the way, we got our microwave the year Teresa was born, I was in junior high)

ARGH! And top it off, the BIGGEST event to effect american SOCIETY and especially politics in MY lifetime (born after Kennedy's assasination) happened yesterday and you (an african american professor) didn't even MENTION it


Ok ... then algebra, same class I did so poorly in last semester. Off to a good start so far, really am. Hopeful. Not nearly as stressed in class or doing homework ...

oddly enough, Algebra may prove to be my favorite class this semester, how twisted would that be?

looking back

One of the things I've come to realize over the last several months (couple of years?) is that things aren't always what we percieve them to be at the time.

I'm the queen of denial .. I think that has been my survival for many a year (decade?) and for one reason or another, it doesn't work anymore. Along with the failure of denial for current time and place ... has come an enlightenment of past events in my life. A clarity of what I actually went through.

When I was first urged (read forced) to go into therapy by my primary care doc, the psychiatrist immediately diagnosed me with an eating disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. I was shocked as could be that they had the NERVE to diagnose the eating disorder! But totally confused at the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!!

What? ME? WHY?

The second appointment, it was the first question out of my mouth ..what is this and why?

He looked at me like I'd asked him if he was human. (could you ask a more obvious question???) He took a couple of moments, took a couple of breaths, started to talk a couple of times but had to stop and then finally said "why do you think you Don't have it?"

I asked him "just what have I been through that has been so traumatic?"

He looked at me again like he was stunned. "Do you not think that finding your step father after he'd committed suicide was traumatic?"

"Oh"

I let the subject drop.

I'd been asked in my 'evaluation' about 'ALL TRAUMATIC EVENTS' ...but it probably took 5 years of therapy for them to come tumbling out.

It was about 3 or 4 months into it when something was mentioned about my 2 pregnancies. I said "3"
"Three? you have 2 sons"
"yes, but I lost a baby at 20 weeks, a girl"
Again with the stunned look.
"Peggikaye, that .. had to have been traumatic, do you really not realize how traumatized you've been?"

Time went on, and secrets slipped out, most of them traumas.

When I started therapy I told them I'd had a happy childhood, secure and balanced. I realize now that was my very rose colored glasses ...looking back in my denial because I didn't want to, or couldn't handle the truth.

The realization that ... I went to 12 schools between kindergarten and 12th grade ...not exactly secure.

Recently, I've been in contact with the step mother that I had from age 13 months to age 25. She put in that letter that I had one of the hardest, most traumatic lives that she could imagine. (HUH??? WHAT?) She admired how strong I was, and that she wasn't surprised that I was seeking the truth now, because that is who I was as a child ...always the truth seeker.

I did come to the realization about a year and a half ago that my childhood was far more difficult than I'd let myself believe. I really don't think I knew why. Recently, I think I've figured out that I thought ..if I admited it was tough while my step father was alive ...did that make him a bad dad. (answer, no) But somehow, I had to paint, in my mind, that life with Daddy was all roses and picnics ... when in fact there was a reason I see him as my refuge and safety ...because ... I often needed to take refuge and safety in a world that was often chaotic, and empty and cruel.

It has painted a lot of who I am. But if I don't get at the truth, the real truth, then I don't think I can continue growing into who I want to be.

I wrote a poem once, I've put in on here many times ..but it's so true ..will I ever become who I am supposed to be if I'm hiding behind a mask who is not me? (paraphrased)

Sara Groves - Less Like Scars

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3)
And more like
Character

A Post

It has been brought to my attention that I've not been posting ... whoops.

I went private so that I had the freedom TO post ...and I'm still not posting. It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's that I have too much to say.

I'm not quite sure how to get it out in a reasonable manner. I don't want pity, and I don't want people to think I'm trying to get pity. I don't know really how to find the balance between blogging to get it out ..and blogging for myself ..and not worrying about how others will take it.

There is a lot going on inside of me right now ... some extremely positive ..and some extremely negative. Some is happening in the here and now, and some is messes from my past being churned up and spit out. Both are things I need to write about. It's the writer in me.

I'm not doing myself any favors by not getting it out. I went private with the specific purpose of being able to write what I needed to write ..and then continued to be silent. *shrug*

I need to get back to writing before the things inside me overwelm me.

Drawing to a close

There is just a few weeks left in this first semester.
This semester that has started this new journey of the second half of my life. My mid life crisis so to speak.

I'm anxious for it to end and the second semester to start, to begin the next leg of learning ... to get on with things. To move forward.

This all feels so right ...

I think a part of me thought I'd start my process and then get overwhelmed, and quit part way through the first semester. It'd not be so far out of my history of behavior ... my past ... my character...it wouldn't be unusual for me.

But as the semester has gone on, I've become more determined, I've felt more at home as a student, I've become more settled ...and felt less incomplete.
It would feel more out of character for me to drop out than for me to finish.

The Peggi who didn't finish things ...simply isn't the Peggikaye who finishes what she starts.

We had to do a take home test for psychology, and it included some self evaluations ... James Marcia's identity.
The gathering before class came up and one of the guys sat down and said "hello Mrs Achieved"

I was startled

ME? Achieved ...
Forclosed maybe

Diffused definitely

Moratorium ...most of my life

Achieved???????? ME? Peggikaye

Then one of the other women asked me for help on one of the questions ... what? She's one of the great students ...and as I looked up, the students were around my feet ...looking to me. I was so confused!!!

When did this happen?!?
When DID *I* become the achieved ?

The instructor came down the hallway and grinned at me. She opened the door and let the students in and as I walked in, she said to me "you've picked a good major you know."
(Psychology)

I have always felt so ... far out of sorts ...and always so far out of the picture ..and so far out of things ... I think I even started to blog to try to get my head around my own little picture of my own little world ... it helped ..that's for sure.

But to realize ...that I'm finding my way in the world ...and others are seeing that and respecting that ... RESPECTING THAT ... is to me ... a new feeling. A strange feeling. A good feeling.

Diffused
Forclosed
Moratorium
Achieved ... Achieved ... wow

I'm getting there. I'm where I belong in life ...and secure ...in spite of some pain and cruddiness that is going on in the peripheral with family situation

Who I am ... is achieved.

Pictures

This is me at about age 10 or so.

This is the man I grew up believing he was my step father. There is significant reason to believe he is my biological father.









Pictures of me as a child and adult, along with pictures of my 'step' father. He was Daddy to me. I will never understand why secrets are so important to keep. Secrets always come out, and when the truth comes out, feelings are hurt ...far less than if truth be told from the start.

In my case ... the secret kept me from
having my Daddy, be DADDY ... step siblings I adore that are more than likely half siblings ...and most of all ... I could have had his name.

It forced contact with a man who not only rejected me at the start, but continues to reject to this day.

The wounds that could have been prevented if only the truth was told, amazes me.

5 weeks to go

There are 5 weeks left in my return to school. Well, 5 weeks left in the first semester of my return to school. Can't even imagine how long this process will take. I try to not think about that.

This semester has just flown by. Some great moments, some really tough moments ..but over all, I'm very glad I made this decision.

The hardest part has been the algebra. I've really struggled with it ..and the realization that there is more to it than my just not liking it ...has been rather eye opening.

Some realization that ...
my 'stubborn streak' as a teenager was less stubborn and more fear.
this really *IS* difficult for my brain, I'm not just being lazy or stubborn.
I still have to get past this.

Has made for an interesting few weeks as I've adjusted to the knowlege that I've got a math learning disability.

Some of the clues given to me, and some of the tutoring has helped, at least in the homework ... I still failed my 3rd test. There is no way for me to pull this grade out of the fire.

I'm going to talk, this week, to my professor about taking an incomplete, then auditing his class next semester, and then finishing it during that class. Maybe ..maybe I can make some sense out of it.

I know that even if I could pull my grade out of the fire, I am in no way shape or form ready to move on ... I don't 'get it' enough.

They'll move on faster than I am ready to move on, I need more time for this.

I'm hoping he'll agree to this, it's the only way around financial aides refusal to allow a student to repeat a class ...

The other frustrating factor is ... financial aide. It's still not in for this semester, much less next. I can't even register for next semester's classes (Which are filling at a remarkable pace) because they have a hold on me, because financial aide hasn't been granted.

Why? Because they messed up and saw the hold that we took care of before school ...whoever went to package my financial aid saw the hold from this summer ...and put it in the reject file.

Only problem with reject pile ..they wait till they finish everyone's financial aide, then go and send the letters of rejection. (and that makes sense because ???? you want to give students 2 weeks to come up with other means of paying for classes they've already taken and thought financial aide would cover it ...)

So, I went to find out why my son had financial aide ...and I didn't ...and we submitted on the same day.
That's when we found out about the rejection. Um ..only there was NO HOLD!!! I'd taken care of the hold ... (a defaulted student loan, 21 years old ... from a trade school that got in trouble with the government for taking advantage of students ...so much trouble they were shut down!!)
regardless, the default was taken care of ..and I was no longer on hold ... but the person who went to package me saw the 'default hold' and yet ... failed to read farther to see I was no longer in default! They just plopped me in the reject file!

Right and Wrong

There are many times I hear the statment "No matter how flat a pancake, there are 2 sides of a story"

I cannot tell you how tired I am of hearing that. There are times when ..no matter how flat the pancake, there is a right and there is a wrong.

Abuse is wrong ...the other side of the pancake is to treat the person with respect, kindness and dignity. There is no in between, there is a right and a wrong.

Murder is wrong ... life is right.

Robbery is wrong ...respecting other's property is right.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

In the last 2 years I've come to the realization that giving excuses to someone for bad behavior keeps me stuck. I try to justify that other side of the pancake. To give the person the benifit of the doubt. I've given so much benifit of the doubt, that I learned to doubt myself.

I watched a friend go through a divorce while her child went through brain cancer and she was pregnant. I watched the father use the little girl with cancer as a pawn in custody case. I watched him taunt my friend by claiming the baby was not his. (it was, there was no doubt). I watched him bring his girlfriend to the funeral of this precious little girl. The divorce, wasn't final yet.

I watched all this and became totally frustrated for my friend. It's still going on, he's using the baby now to inflict pain on my friend.

In my nieces case, my sister called me, furious ..no FURIOUS that I'd not gotten 'the other side of the story' before I offered my niece a place to live. First, my niece was 22 years old, an adult. If she wanted to move out of her house and out on her own, I don't need another side of the story, my home is open ...to her and to her adult siblings. Second, I knew the other side of the story, I got it when my sister called me the day before I offered my home and asked me to "pray for R that she would come back under our umbrella of authority, stop rebelling and regain her salvation"

Um , my understanding of the Bible is that salvation comes through Christ, not through parents. I also do not believe that adult children are under any real authority of their parents. Respect, yes, honor yes, obedience??? They're adults, and they are accountable to God.

My nieces rebellion: holding hands with her boyfriend. Seriously. Her Godly, wonderful boyfriend. But they were committing 'sin as to witchcraft' (yes, exact quote). The affection between this young man and young woman was compared to the sexual sins in Roman's 1. My sister said "if you think that's ok, then you need to re read Roman's 1"

Um ... depravity, sacrificing sexual deviancy to idols, debauchery ... that's all in Romans 1, but affection between a young man and a young woman??? That's not in Romans 1.

I saw both sides, a right and a wrong. It's wrong to use the Bible as a weapon, it's incredibly wrong to use the Bible as a weapon against your own child.

In my own case, there was so much with my parents that I gave them the benifit of the doubt. "but they were busy" "they didn't see the forrest for the trees" I'd given them a dozen or more excuses over the years ... the reality is ...

there is a right way to treat a child ...and a wrong way.

Every parent makes mistakes. I've made more than I can even imagine. But, I did my best.

When you're so busy giving to someone else's children your best, that you don't even see your own child's issues ... that's wrong.

I have lost count of the issues that have come up in my adult life and had my mom or my dad say "well, we just didnt' see it"

They saw it in my sister, they saw it in my brother ..and got help for them. But for me ... they didn't see it.

There is a right and a wrong in lying about your life experiences as well ...and that lie ... that simple lie about my existance ..is at the very root of all the overlooking that happened to me.

I found out in March that my father is not my father.

It'd been the family rumor for years, but ... my mom?

The realization is ... she could not admit to her own wrong doing. Being married to a Baptist minister and getting pregnant by someone else was not acceptable behavior. So, deny it. Deny that it's anything but the Baptist minister.

For years, I thought he was just a jerk for walking out on her the day she told him she was pregnant. Now, I understand. Doesn't make it right that the secret was kept.

She still won't admit it, even with the evidence out there. I recently had to do a project for developmental psychology which included genetics of a family. It got me thinking ...blood type ... I was trying to make the father have a certain blood type ... but the family was different. It wouldn't work ...the scenerio I was trying.

So ... what blood type does my dad have. Sure enough ... he doesn't have a blood type that will match with mine.

Wasn't it possible in 1964 to type blood? If he did not think I was his, shouldn't he have just proved it wasn't true ... instead of keeping me in the middle of their war for 43 years.

The reality is ...he wasn't going to be allowed to see my sister if he proved the paternity of me. So, he tolerated having me around.

My problem with that is ...if you're going to accept the parentage, there is responsibility that comes with that. Adoption all the time gives children love they'd never get otherwise. .. it is possible to parent and love a child who is not yours.

The fact that he rejected me from the beginning and has made that rejection abundently clear over the 43, almost 44 years of my life ... this war was with my mother, not with me. I should have been left out of it.

I was a reminder to him of the betrayal....

To mom ... I was a reminder of her betrayal ...

and so ...they both did anything but to really LOOK at me.

No wonder I always felt like the odd man out of my family. I was.

There is more, but that will do for this post.

Right and wrong ... sometimes there just is no other side of the pancake. To flip it, means you've got the wrong side up.