Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
Deeds To Crowns

A sad little girl, she skinned her knee.
I gave her a kiss and she smiled at me.
A diamond dropped from where she was kissed.
An angel took it to heaven where it would not be missed.

I read a story to my grandmother, frail.
My grandmother grinned, "I knew you'd not fail"
A ruby was left in the place I had sat.
An angel took it to heaven like that!

In the quiet of my bedroom late one night.
I prayed for the president for strength not fright!
Turning over in my bed, an emerald was left.
The angel deposited it in heaven, there'd be no theft.

I wrote a note to the husband I love.
He sent a prayer to the Father above.
When I put down the pen an opal was there.
An angel quickly flew with the gem through the air!

A missionary from South America came.
I gave him some money so lives would not be the same.
As I closed my checkbook, a topaz fell out.
The angel went flying, rejoicing with a shout!

One day my life came to an end.
I stood before God, alone without a friend.
God placed a crown with gems on my head.
The diamonds and rubies, for my works not dead!

Each deed we do for obedience sake,
Each prayer turns to a gem in our wake.
Though we cannot see the gems we acquire.
Their beauty withstands the purifying fire!

So remember when you grow weary and tired.
Your promise from God will not be expired.
One day a crown of gemstones so bright.
Will be placed on your head reflecting God's light!



© Peggikaye Eagler

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Don't know what it is ... but an 2 hours ago it was rain ...now all this white stuff is falling down ... big things, fluffy white ...looks like cotton balls ... just about as big too! About a half inch around!!!!! HUGE BIG WHITE THINGS

My grass is covered in the white stuff ...my porch is covered ... my car is covered! I have my mother's red car ... and you can't find the red because it's white!!!!

Why is there white stuff falling from my sky?????

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and DreamsYour Score Summary

Overall, you scored as follows:
71% are cooler, and
29% are more of a loser than you.
What does this mean?
Tending towards loser status, get help soon

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams




Your Score Summary
Overall, you scored as follows:
75% scored higher (more nerdy), and 25% scored lower (less nerdy).
What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:Not nerdy, but definitely not hip.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
Thanks for taking the Weird Quotient test
Your score is:
89
Of all the weird test takers:
73% are more weird,
10% are just as weird, and
18% are more normal than you!
For your hard work, here is a prize:
To place this image on your web page; select, copy and paste this code to your page:

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Progress Noted in odd measures

Today was a bit odd. I went back to the orthopedic doctor to find out the results of my MRI on my knee. It was, as I suspected, the second my knee hit the ground on December 17, in need of surgery. The conversation that took place around the need for that surgery is what has caught my thoughts today. Over the last 15 years, I have been in the hospital 22 times, 12 of those times for surgery. I have NOT been in the hospital since June of 2003. (also a surgery) For all my past surgeries, the doctors have said "this is what's wrong, this is what we need to do" and I've scheduled the surgery. Period. This time ... I stared at the doctor and said "BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR SURGERY!!" He then looked at me a bit surprised and said "A myasthenic with lupus should not BE too busy have surgery! Too weak yes, too tired yes, too scared, yes, too ill, yes ... lots of reasons, but not too busy!" Later, as I thought about it, I always FEEL terrible but I also always push to the maximum of my ability to function ..sometimes that's simply laying on the couch, other days that's vegging out in front of the puter, but other days it's running errands, going to doctor appointments, volunteering at church, going to church, small group, friends ... etc ... I push ... full steam ahead, and I have to measure what I accomplish to tell me how I'm REALLY doing ... because a myasthenic pushed to the max isn't going to feel good ... but I'm doing a lot ... I'm too busy for surgery! HEY WORLD!!!! I'm TOO BUSY FOR SURGERY!!!!! THAT'S A GOOD THING!! Ok, so the surgery STILL has to take place, but ... I am going to go through a few weeks of physical therapy and see if we can get the knee a bit stronger before going into surgery so it will recover faster ...cause I have things to do .. places to go .. .pleople to see!! I never thought I'd be so tickled at being told I needed surgery in my life! Don't want the surgery ..dreading that part ... but the fact that I'm too busy just has me giggling! The times of being so weak, worn out that my days are being spent unable to do anything but lay on the couch and sit at the computer as the MAIN event of my life seem to be behind me. They happen every month ... most of the time, I have at least one day a week like that ... but it's no longer my version of normal ... my version of normal is that I'M TOO BUSY TO HAVE SURGERY!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!

Sigh ....

Pearls and Dreams

Sigh ... Lisa is back from Jury duty ... 3 months without having gone to see my nutritionist, 2 months since seeing the therapist ... all that's gone on and I am seeing BOTH today ... UGH. Then Habitat for Humanity class tonight.

Long day. 2 hours sleep last night. I wonder if my lack of sleeping last night had anything to do with knowing I had to see both L&L today?

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I just noticed, my weather pixie changes clothes all by itself ... how cool!!!!

The first time I experienced confusion

Last year, I was reading one of Dr. Phil's books. Don't remember which one for sure, I think it was "Self Matters". He has you pin point certain points in your life and tells a story of when Oprah first realized that she was smart and that it made a difference for her. For me, it was a light bulb moment. Tonight, watching a re run of Everybody Loves Raymond, I was reminded of reading that book, and having that memory and what it revealed to me. It was the first time I really remember being confused. I was in my kindergarten classroom, I was the youngest in the class, and had missed the cut off day by only 9 days. California, back then (don't know how it is now) had a cutoff for kindergarten of being 5 by December 1, and my birthday was November 21. So, 9 days later, and I wouldn't have been able to start that year. I was plenty smart enough, though. I was the only kid in the class that could count to 100. The school had a kindergarten/1st grade library and a 'big kids library'. I was the only kid in the whole kindergarten first grade that was allowed to go to the 'big kids library' to check out books because I could read all the books in our kindergarten/first grade library. I could spell, and had a speller, none of the other kindergarten kids did. I was writing little stories with my drawings, when the other kids were drawing pictures and drawing a single letter to represent their picture (A is for Apple and I'd write "The bird ate the worm in the apple because it was easier than getting the worm from the ground.") But I was also extremely active, and other than Harold, I had no friends. I couldn't seem to get a long with anyone, everyone made me cry every day. The teacher was always telling me to sit down, or sit still, or to put both feet on the floor, or to do my own work and not my neighbors ... and that's what the meeting was for that afternoon. The teacher said that I wasn't mature enough to keep up with the class. I can remember my mom crying, and I can hear my step dad's voice saying "we understand" I can't picture him there, so I must have been sitting in his lap. The teacher and my mom explained to me that I needed another year to 'grow up' so I'd be going to pre school for another year & come back to kindergarten the next year when I was a bit older. I can remember the room spinning, it really seemed to be moving in and out of focus ... and it looked like I was suddenly in a place I'd never seen before. I had no idea what they meant, all I could think of was "But you're supposed to learn how to count in school, I can count, you're supposed to learn how to spell in school and I can spell" They were telling me that it didn't matter, my being smart didn't matter, my not being able to sit still was more important and said more about me than how smart I was. My inability to sit still was important. Being smart wasn't. For the rest of my life, that seemed to set the tone ... my intelligence didn't ever seem to cut me a break, it always seemed to make a difference that I couldn't sit still ..that I was socially inept ... So, today, I was watching Everybody loves Raymond as they talked about holding back one of the twins in preschool ... and my heart broke ... I had to make that choice for my son, so I know what my parents went through. I tend to blame my health and social status on my lack of being anything ... but the truth is ... in the back of my head is this little 5 year old girl saying ... but it doesn't matter ... you still can't sit still, so it doesn't matter how smart you are ...

D

Lisa got called on Jury duty

I got a reprieve!!!!! Tuesday though ....

Lupus clotting problem, evidently not my problem! Thank God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to go to see my doctor today because I couldn't breath through my nose or hear through my stuffled up ears. She said the labs hadn't been there, but when she saw I was coming in, she called for them.I had a normal test for tha anticoagulant. She called my rhuemy to tell him and see if he wants me retested. He said it's good to know, go ahead and start the Avista, he said that he HAS seen the clotting problem with just Anti ds DNA but it's far more common if the RO antibody or another one that has slipped my mind is involved. Since I don't have those, he's not overly concerned. He said given my history, it IS something that needs to stay on the radar screen, but he really thinks that it's not the problem. He thinks my mid pregnancy loss and the blood clot with the life port had more to do with my hypermobile joints and a collegen deficiency (which has nothing to do with lupus ... I was born that way). SOOOOO He agreed with my doctor that it should have been tested by the first rheumy, and it should never ever be off the radar screen because of my history, but he thinks we can stick it on the back burner. He is planning on re doing full lupus panel at some point this year to compare with the lower dose of Cellcept, the off the cellcept and now the higher dose of cellcept with prednisone, and it will get retested then. Sooooo and my neuro said weakness or not, statins are ok to use, it might flare my MG a bit, but take it easy, take more symptom medication and PAY ATTENTION. (what? who? Me? not pay attention? )

Any thoughts?

Pearls and Dreams

Ok any blog experts ... any ideas why my blogging goes down below instead of to the side of my sidebar?

My friend Deneice (The Journey) was kind enough to fix it as much as she could, bringing my weather pixie and blog rolling up to the top) but the posts are still down below & neither one of us could figure that one out. If you have any ideas ... please leave a comment!

Needle Torture & I was right after all!!!

I just got back from being poked like crazy from the neurologist. Yikes. First thing it showed is that I have Myasthenia Gravis (no kidding? I think my neurologist was a bit frustrated by that, hoping that even though I still have quite a few symptoms every day, that it wouldn't be detectible on an EMG, and it was rather prominent ... normal response would be they electricute the nerve and the muscles contract at 320, second time would react at 275 to 360, with MG it's going to be 250 or below. Mine was 80, and all the muscles were showing that big of a second reaction, sooooo ...) but on the nerves, which is what he was checking, it showed exactly what I thought was wrong to begin with and was the reason I hadn't bothered to complain to any of my doctors! It's lupus. There is inflamation in the nerves and it's causing the numbness. No permanent damage, if the inflamation goes away, the feeling should come back. It's mild/moderate and the worst that can happen is some mild discomfort (no pain) and some minor coordination problem ... well, that's IT ... that's all that's happened. It's mildly annoying, and it's making signing difficult, but I don't know that there is a VISIBLE change in my signing, it just FEELS different, I have to work at signing instead of it flowing naturally. He says it SHOULDN'T worse, but it could. But he said that when I said "See the EMG was a waste of time and needle pokes" he said that "no, we need this as a baseline on the very small chance it worsens"

So, all the needle pokes did was tell me that I have myasthenia gravis and lupus in my central nervous system ... which, is 2 things I already knew!
At anyrate, it is GOOD news that the nerves are NOT damaged, that it's NOT peripheral neuropathy from the metabolic disorder and that it probably will just be an annoyance and CAN go away if the lupus gets better.

Now if I can just get my over all sed rate down ..maybe that will help the inflammation in the nerves to decrease.

Thanks for the prayers.
Pk

Needle Phobia

Pearls and Dreams

Yikes, tomorrow, I am going into the doctor to get an EMG done. I've had EMG's before, but I was so sick at the time, I barely remember them.
I was also so weak, I could not brush my own hair and had to have help to walk ... undiagnosed myasthenia gravis ... and now, well, I'm diagnosed, treated and significantly stronger.

So ... I'm concerned. I've heard so much about how painful these tests are. They've never been painful to me before, but I also didn't have enough strength to kill a flea! So, if my muscle's actually contract with the electrical current ..will it hurt like everyone says? Or did they just not hurt me because I have a high pain tolerance???

I'm also a bit nervous about the results ... is the numbness in my hands and feet a simple pinched nerve that can be fixed with physical therapy, bracing, etc? Maybe even some surgery? Or do I have permanent nerve damage and peripheral neuropathy and this is just the beginning? Is this related to the lupus? To the insulin resistance? Is it a side effect of the drugs I take? Is it because I have hypermobile joints?

I'm also wondering how long today's labs will take to get back, they tested me for the lupus anticoagulant problem. If it's called anticoagulant ..then why is it a blood clotting problem???? I thought you GIVE anti coagulants for blood clots? I'm so confused!!!

I see my nuttritionist on Thursday, I'm dredding the appointment. Discussing my food limitations, that are not my disorder ... lupus sores and insulin resistance and a 310 cholesterol ... crud, now that I finally don't have a bunch of self imposed rules ... I have medically imposed food rules!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Somebody PLEASE take my email away from me!!!

I keep emailing my pastor and his wife, and as a result, get pulled in front of the church!!!

I had emailed my pastor this last week about Benjamin being able to read his new Bible and how much it meant to him. I get up yesterday to a message on my answering machine from my pastor "Peggikaye, would you please come up during the sermon when I call you and share your story of your daily Bible reading with the boys and Benjamin's reaction to his new Bible"

ARGH!

I could say no. But. Then he'd call me in for a meeting wanting to know why I was trying to pull back into my box.

I like being annonymous and staying in the music office behind the scenes, and my pastor and his wife are determined that while I have a definite place in the music office, I have more of a purpose than that ...

I also am going to be taking a LEADERSHIP Bible study coarse ... nothing major (I hope!) but once a month, Bible study on leadership within the church, with the Pastor and the board of trustee's and other ministry team representatives.
I've had a hard time making that choice, it means missing worship team practice. But as the only worship team member who actually COULD miss practice, I kind of feel like I have to be there, and my pastor's wife wouldn't make the choice for me. My pastor was cute when I said I was torn between the two (Don't you DARE tell my wife it's my fault you're missing practice!). I finally decided, that ... it's once a month. I'll go this month, Sunday the youth is leading praise and worship ... so worship team will only be working on new music, nothing really for me to do but to sit there and listen ... well, one song I have to learn to sign to, but I can learn that in a week or two, so missing one week won't matter. So, I'll take advantage of it being this week and then decide the rest of the year from there.

I still would rather stuff myself back in my nice little comfortable little box!

I took my mom to the afterhours clinic today. She has this awful staff infection in the cartilage of her ear. It's swollen and painful, and it's blocking the eustacian tube and she can't hear real well through it. But I was struck by a woman, while waiting. She had her teenaged daughter in there with a fever. The doctor was saying it's a low fever, and probably a virus, nothing much to do. The mother was hysterical. Yelling at the doctor to fix her baby. Her 'baby' was 16 or 17 years old, and the doctor was saying that 101 just isn't that high of a fever. It's high enough to not feel good, but it's not a dangerous temperature. The mother was inconsolible. They finally got her to leave, sobbing. I had to go tot he bathroom, and happened to walk out into the lobby as they were leaving. The mother helped the daughter (who didn't appear to need much help) into the very nice shiney mercedes benz convertible. The mother with her obviously designer purse, got onto the cell phone and started to call someone bawling into the phone that she was taking her daughter to the ER because the afterhours clinic was content with letting her daughter die.
I was fascinated by this. She's dressed to the nines on a saturday afternoon, he daughter in designer clothes and shoes. Fancy car, fancy purse and a demand for perfection treatment.
Suddenly, being constantly sick, living under the poverty level and not being on the top end of societies social totem pole, didn't seem like such a raw deal.

I can deal with life. Fevers of 101 don't throw me. Fevers of 105 don't throw me!! I communicate well with doctor's because I understand their jargon and I get it. I have struggled enough that some things that seem dramatic to others, is par for the coarse for me. There is something to be said for that.
I wouldn't want to be soo protected, that a little puff of wind blows me off coarse!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams


http://www.boston.com/business/articles/2005/01/13/cholesterol_drug_may_sell_over_the_counter/


Federal advisers today and tomorrow will consider whether the Food and Drug Administration should approve Merck & Co.'s bid to make Mevacor the first of a class of hot-selling cholesterol-lowering drugs called statins to be sold over the counter.

My comments :


My uncle, a pharmacist, started taking a statin drug. A few weeks later, he was having weakness and pain, but somehow, didn't associate it with the drug. A few days after the pain started, he recieved a Christmas card from me. My christmas card said nothing imparticular, but because it came from me, it set off alarm bells in my uncle's brain. I have Myasthenia Gravis, the card from me, triggered thinking about my health ..which in turn ..made him think about his weakness and then a light went off in his brain and he called his doc and said he was stopping the statin drug.
This was a PHARMACIST who'd been a pharmacist for over 40 years! And a GOOD one.
How many people would take this drug and have the rare muscle problem and not have a niece with MG that can trigger the necessary train of thought to realize it's harming them?? While the statistics for this complication are rare now, if it goes OTC and people take it without Dr's RX ..would it STAY rare?

Just as a side ... I started to take the statin this last November. Warned, by my neuro, my PCP and my PCP's nurse, and reminded AGAIN in writing when I picked up the sample, that my risk for problems was high. I started taking it a week before Thanksgiving. The next Tuesday, my former PT called me and said "why in the world are you so out of breath?!" He was very alarmed. I hadn't realized I was, and made something up real quick about having had to rush to the phone. I did NOT connect it to the drug. The day after Thanksgiving going to Walmart, I felt like I was walking through jello, a lady asked me about sizing on clothing, and asked me if I had asthma because I was so short of breath. I walked out of the mens department and fell when the carpet changed to tile. I had to have help getting up. That's when I finally realized ... um ...my MG was NOT tolerating the statin drug.
I've had MG for 15 years, dx'd for almost 13. I was a new patient educator for our MG foundation for 3 years. I've also got Lupus and asthma and a whole host of things. I'm experienced and I know my body, I know my disease and I know the risks and I DIDN'T CATCH IT!

Going over the counter with one of these drugs ... they think they're getting sued (growl, shouldn't be happening) now ... they do this, and they will get sued like crazy ... and then, it just may be justified!!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have links to other blogs at the bottom of this blog!!!!!!
It's only taken me 3 months to figure it out! BUT I DID IT!!!!!!!

Thanks to help from others, especially D ...

Sorry that you have to scroll clear down to the bottom, but bottom is better than nowhere!!!!!

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!

Elephants Galore!

Pearls and Dreams

I went into the classroom, and the kids were all sitting in a circle. The teacher was just telling them that I was coming. She had them go to their desks. I went to the front and started to talk. I told them that I wasn't a lot older than they were when I started to collect. I then pulled out the sharks cartilege carving! ( I really wish I could figure out how to get pics on this blog!!!) They were really fascinated. One boy who was obviously the "Big man on campus/macho macho man" and he was all OOOHH COOL, showing off at how gruesome it must have been. When the carving got to him, he felt it, and got grossed out LOL he quickly handed it off to his neighbor and then just kept trying to shrug off the heebeegeebee's. So much for macho LOL They all really liked all the elephants, had a lot of good questions. We talked about elephants traveling in herds, the females are cows, males are bulls and the babies are calves. We talked about the difference between an Indian and African Elephant. One girl asked me how old I was, which really unerved the teacher. But she said "well, she said that she had been collecting since she was about 10, so if she's 40 then she's been collecting for 30 years!" The teacher was still telling her it wasn't polite, I was tickled to see her doing the math! I guess that's my years of homeschooling. I went to get my MRI done and they said it'd take about 15 to 20 min. But then they had to get an extra view and it wound up taking a whole 45 min. UGH. I find out 2 weeks from today I think, what the results are. Next Tuesday is my EMG to find out what the numbness and tingling is all about ... oh fun, stick a needle in my nerves and jolt it with electricity! That's my idea of fun ... NOT!!!!!!!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

It is FINALLY thursday morning! Yipee! I'm so excited, I don't leave for an hour, but I'm ready to go now! LOL
I have all the elephants packed and pictures of the ones I'm not taking.

I can't wait to see my girl! She is going to just be on top of the world that I am there and I am so glad to have a part in sharing this for her!

I'll post how it goes when I get back, I have to go from there to get an MRI done on my knee to find out if my fall just bruised and popped out the kneecap or if it tore some stuff in there.
He seems to think it's a 'surgical knee' :( soooo this will make knee surgery #3 UGH.
But I won't know for 2 weeks.

Ok ... off to find a cup of coffee before going to share my elephants with my friends daughter's class!!!

Where are you from?

HEY! THERE HOW ARE YOU!!!
Do I have your attention? Still with me? Really? OK, here's why I'm writing all this ... please leave a comment box and tell me where you are reading this from? What Country/state/region. Also, how did you find my blog? And have you checked out blog explosion? If not, why not? Like I said in yesterday's post, just check out the link at the VERY bottom of my blog ... Get Mikey! He'll try it! (what commercial was that for?)

Blog Explosion.

Pearls and Dreams

I am having soo much fun at blog explosion!!
I have a link down at the bottom of my blog flashing Blog explosion ... click on it, check it out. Join, it's free!

I checked it out and thought, what the heck, I've had sooo much fun there.

Very very interesting!

Thursday Won't Get Here Fast Enough!

I am really looking forward to Thursday Morning. My friend Cindy has a nine year old daughter. I'm going to her school. For my 40th birthday, my friend Ronda had given me this BEAUTIFUL carving of elephant train (about 2 feet long) from sharks cartilege for my elephant collection. Well, my friends daughter doesn't have very many friends. She is in a new school, and very bright, ADHD and the kids just don't want to let her in. If they'd give her a chance, they'd find she's wonderful!
So, she goes to school and tells them about my elephant carving. The kids start to call her a liar, that there is no way they made a carving out of sharks cartilege and no one could collect elephants. So, I asked my friend if she thought the school would let me come and show n tell the carving.
The teacher is excited, my friend's daughter is excited, I can barely stand it ! I can't WAIT!!
I was hoping they'd schedule me right before lunch, and I'd have lunch with her, but they did it first thing in the morning. Oh well.
I'm taking the Sharks cartilege, my soap stone elephant, my water buffalo horn and a white quartz, and one made from sea shell. Plus some pictures of my whole collection.
I wish I could post them here, but I haven't figured out how to do the picture thing. I've tried, it just won't let me!

Living with Lupus

Pearls and Dreams

Living with lupus.

Hard thing.
Suffering with lupus, that's a given.
Being afraid with lupus, that happens.
Sleeping with lupus, that'd be nice, if I could get past the pain to get a good nights sleep.

But LIVING with lupus?

I had plans for today. I was soo excited. I've planned on this since September. I was going to have an Arbonne party. Arbonne is a skin care product ... and it's the only thing that's helped my lupus skin ..well, Arbonne in conjunction with oral prednisone and topical steroid cream, stop any one of the 3 and bam, my skin doesn't like me again.

Arbonne is expensive stuff ..well, sort of, it's expensive in the outlay ... but not so much in the long run. I was paying $7 a month to get lotion from Walmart ... Nutragenia ... Big bottle,and I was using the whole bottle a month. I got a 24 oz bottle in December 2003 from Arbonne, and I still have an ounce or two left. It cost $24. A little over 3 months worth of Nutragenia and it was paid for!!! BUT, having the $24 to put out, when you live on disability is a problem. So, I was going to have a party, then I'd get the hosting cost and free products from sales.

But ... lupus got in the way. I'm flaring badly, pleurisy, my fingers are swollen, my lower back is hurting, the costrochondritis ..geesh, I can't even turn without feeling like someone is punching me in the chest!! My elbows feel like they are on fire, and my feet feel like they're in ice. Add to that, I'm dizzy and my head hurts and we have a full blown lupus flare!

It's a weekend, I could go to the ER, but, they'd just say "yep, it's a lupus flare" and send me home. Funny, docs, always want you to go get help when you need it, rheumy's, neuro's, ortho's they all say "when you get that bad, don't wait, go get help" then you go the ER and the ER says "we can't do anything for you, we're not a chronic illness care center" and they're NOT.

When my MG flares, yea, I'll go running to the ER because I could go into respiratory distress. But my lupus? I have no organ involvement (well, discounting the skin stuffs) so what are they supposed to do? Tell me my sed rate is high ? DUH.

I'm taking prednisone 5mgs, Cellcept 3000mgs, Celebrex 400 mgs, and Ultracet. There really isn't anything anyone can do besides those! Yea, they could give me vicodin, but an ER doc isn't going to give someone they're not familiar with a narcotic for a lupus flare!! (and I'm not sure how I feel about that, part of me agree's, I've known a drug seeker, part of me disagrees today cause I'm hurting so badly) My PCP is out of town, so I can't call her to get something.

So, I rest, play on line so that I'm not up and around doing things around the house that need to be done ... and ... wonder how long this flare lasts. Wonder what caused it ... was it the drastic weather changes? 14º less than 48 hours ago, with freezing rain, and today's high is supposed to be 55. The last 3 Thursday's have been DRAMATICALLY different 3º two weeks ago, 73º last a week ago, and 17º two days ago. Ever since getting sick, my body has not done well with drastic weather changes (so Why am I living in Oklahoma????) Is this flare because I'm fighting pneumonia and it's not getting better? Is this flare because I'm fighting pneumonia and I've tried to go on with life as normal this week? Or is it because the medications they've given me FOR the pneumonia aren't too good for lupus? Why is the lupus flaring SO badly and the MG is at a pretty typical icky ucky not breathing too great but other than that, I just feel my normal weak muscle's?

Most of all

I'm mad because I am missing out on living a life that most people don't even think twice about. I wanted to have that party today.

Blogger Number 5, I love Serving

Pearls and Dreams

I was supposed to pull music on Wednesday, but an ice storm prevented me from doing so. Yesterday, I was too cold and had a migraine. So today, I went, walked into the office, and the church secretary, and the volunteer were there, laughing, obviously working hard. The Volunteer (going to call her L from here on out) was working with a cast on. A few weeks ago, while fixing the christmas decorations, L fell down the balcony stairs and broke her elbow. L is in her 70's, but I dare any 30 year old to keep up with her!

I went into the music office and all last Sunday's music had been filed by L. I stood there and shook my head, smiling at what an incredible woman she is. What would I do without her? (music would stack up and I'd be forever lost in a pile of sheet music and no one would ever see me again!!) So, I pull out the files and I'm praying over Sunday's service and how the songs are going to reach the people. But every file I touch, I realize that L is going to be putting it back, with love, and kindness and gentleness (and organizational skills that I'm terribly lacking!) and the heart of a servant.

L is always at the church when I'm there. When she's not there, she's at the special needs school my son went to for kindergarten. (The Little Light House in Tulsa Oklahoma) working with kids who got an unfair start in life. She's the treasurer for the church, she works on the newsletter,she fixes my messes, and when I have a huge stack of music to give to the singers, she punches holes in it because my hands hurt too much to do it and she understands.

I briefly thought, what makes L different than so many Martha's that run around the churches of America? What is so different about this little powerball of a woman? What is it about her that makes it so obvious that every bit of service is being done while sitting at the feet of Jesus?
Prayer. A simple word. But it envades everything L does or says. Her life is bathed in prayer. When you ask her to pray, she WILL. It's a guarentee. Whenever there is prayer mentioned, she's the first one there ready to show up and offer her heart for Jesus.

I love to serve. Someone asked me what my love language was. I've never read the book, or taken the test, but I pretty much guarentee you, it's servanthood. So that's what I answered. You know I love you, because I made your favorite dinner. You know I care because you said you liked the dish I made for the church potluck, and I brought it again, just for you. You know that I am thinking about you, because I saw you crying, and I brought you a kleenex.

Working on my habitat hours, I worked at house site and was informed that I had 'irrevocably spoiled the work crews'. I'd done what I thought they wanted me to do, and it turned out to be way above and beyond what they'd intended for me to do. I loved it! I was thrilled with the description. I have decided that it is my goal to let people see the Jesus in me by 'irrevocably spoiling' them!

I love serving in the worship ministry. I can't sing anymore. My health has taken that from me, I can't depend on the muscles to work well enough to control my voice, thanks to the MG. Lupus has effected my vocal chords and sometimes my voice sounds rather rough and hoarse. But ... I love what I do. I make sure that all the singers have the music they need for practice. During practice if our worship leader realizes she needs something, I jump up to get it so that practice does not have to be interrupted. I make sure all the instrumentalists have all the music they need. (for one man, that's not an easy job, I think he's only playing 6 instruments now!) I put it in their folders, and I make sure it's in the order that they will be playing it on Sundays. I don't know what I do that makes it right ..but they do. They make sure I know they appreciate me and that I make a difference.
A little over a month ago, our worship leader, knowing I wasn't feeling well, called me and asked me for something, she felt awful asking me because she knew I was sick, but she said "you've got us so spoiled you haven't done us any favors! We can't replace you! you're the only one that can do your job!"
Ok, so maybe no one should be THAT irreplaceable ... it throws a wrench into things when you get sick or break your arm. But when you're serving from a heart that is seated at Jesus' feet ... it sure feels wonderful to know that as much as you love serving, you're making a difference!

Ice storms

Pearls and DreamsTulsa Woman, Four Daughters, Killed In Wednesday Morning Crash

Tulsa - Wednesday's weather conditions contributed to a fatal accident that claimed the life of a Tulsa woman and her four children. Shanna Tottress was taking her four daughters to school. Now, a family grieves for a mother and her four little girls who had so much life ahead of them.

The Lincoln Town Car sat at the side of Highway 51 in Wagoner County in pieces of twisted metal. Behind these images we now know a young mother was driving a path she knew well.

"She was taking them to school," said Tottress' sister Kristy Harris. "Just like she did every morning, just day to day routine."

But, Harris later learned this day would be anything but routine for her sister and four nieces.

"I was on my lunch break. My husband called me at work. When I got the news. And it was just a shock."

The car hit wet pavement, spun out of control, and into on-coming traffic. Killed in the crash were 28-year old Shanna Tottress, and her babies 15-year-old Tatiana, 13-year old Tashay, 8-year old Jonet and 5-year old Ebony.

"Pretty, pretty girls. Very special, very lighthearted, very loving," Harris said.

A sister stands in disbelief and feels for a father who lost his wife and four babies.

"It just kinda blindsided us," she says. "Just wasn't expecting it. I just need everyone's prayers, just pray."

Right now, they are trying to help set up a fund to help the family pay for funeral expenses.
************************************************
That's just one of the news story's (channel 8, KTUL.COM) of traffic deaths from our ice storm today.
I hate ice. It covers everything, and it's slick and cold and it is dangerous. It doesn't descriminate at who it hurts. The rich are just as likely to have their power wiped out by the ice as the poor. The Poor mans car is just as likely as the rich mans to go spinning out of control into another's ...

Water pipes burst ...

It hurts to be this cold. My joints won't cooperate. I have trouble with extreme temperatures, the lupus and MG doesn't do well. What's worse than extremes, are extreme changes ... Right now it's 18º. Last thursday, the high was 73º The Thursday before, it was 3º . That's some pretty rapid changes, with pretty extreme swings ... not only does the lupus not do well, but with being on immunosuppression medications, my immune system doesn't hold up well ... monday the doc insisted on delivering a nebulizer to my home. :( I've always managed to wiggle out of that one, not this time.
Taking breathing treatments ... not sure they're helping. I'll give it till tomorrow, my docs out of town, but if I'm not doing better, I'll go see her partner so I don't go into the weekend ...
Sigh ...
wish I was feeling profound tonight. Maybe tomorrow ....

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Test test test ... I did my top 5 blogger idol's and I can't find them ... sigh ...

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Ok, I'm not good at doing this, Last week, I could not pick a top 5 ..so I just let it slide this week, I was tempted to put them all down ... because I liked them all ... I also can't seem to get the links to work when i try to put them on here ...growl, I'm so inept at these things!

So ... here goes, in no particular order ...

1. Unorderd ... Watch and See. I love the idea of waiting to see what God will do, I'm a real Martha personality ... when I need to be more of a Mary personality ... I need to remember to spend more time practicing the art of " Be Still and Know That I am God"

http://www.wibsite.com/wiblog/unordered/read.php?7537

2. Biscotti Brain ... Hard thinking is good!

http://biscotti_brain.blogspot.com/2004/12/i-resolve.html

3. Swade ... Anyone that puts giving their wife a massage, gets my vote!

http://redinterior.typepad.com/red_interior/2004/12/blogger_idol_we.html

4 A Dervish's Du'a' ...if you can figure out how to get up before sunrise AND be joyous ... tell me how!!!!!

http://www.maryams.net/dervish/archives/000262.html

5. Jesslin ... More of grace ... I like that.

http://jesslin.com/blog/2004/12/unexpected-end.html

Last day of 2004

Pearls and Dreams

This year has gone by incredibly fast, I can't believe it. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was sitting telling my husband that I wasn't up to staying up to midnight, and wound up staying up till 3 am watching 'Left Behind' Movies on TBN

This year has been an incredible year. Lots of revelations to this brain of mine. I have learned there are certain people I really do want to impress, and others I could care less about impressing. I have learned that my motivations for impressing people no longer have to do with them accepting me, or not seeing my faults, but wanting them to see the Jesus in me.

I have learned that my passion for God goes deeper, and stronger than I could ever have imagined and I'm willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for that relationship. I have learned that God not only does answer my prayers, but he sometimes answers them immediately, all I have to do is keep my eyes open,and other times, he makes me wait. Either way, I have to pay attention and trust Him.
I have learned, that when I just can't make it anymore, when I am out of strength, when I am at my wits end, and there just isn't another ounce of strength in me, and it just isn't fair anymore ... that God is still there ..and that is where He can show himself most powerful ...in my weakness His strength shows!

I have learned that my love to serve people has definition ... my goal is to 'irrevocably spoil' those whom I'm serving. I had someone use that phrase after I did some volunteer work this last fall, I loved it!

I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. That I am smarter than I thought I was. That I am better than I thought I was. That I am more treasured than I thought I was ... and I've learned that my husband putting me down and not treasuring me is not ok, and it's HIS problem, his character flaw, not mine.

I have learned, that I still have dreams to dream and goals to reach, and life to live.

thick heads are hard to convince

Pearls and Dreams
Reading some of the stuff that my doc sent me on the insulin resistance looked a bit familiar, so I pulled out my Dr. Phil's weight loss book ... I found it ... in chapter 11. He covers metabolic imbalance ... I have check marked all the things in there that apply to me ..but it still didn't get through! I still saw it as all my fault. I still heard him telling that one woman on his show who kept trying to say it was a metabolic disorder, who didn't have one, that it was all behavior and that for most people it is ...but right in his book he says :

Chapter 11, Page 260 of Dr. Phil's THE ULITMATE WEIGHT SOLUTION
Last paragraph
At this point, I hope you get that there may be biochemical and physiolocgical reasons for why you can't loose weight. It isn't a problem of eating too much. It isn't a matter of not exercising enough. It's not even a question of being emotionally weak. And it's not your fault. (bold mine)

I must be totally completely dense.

Blogger Idol .. week 4 ... Resolutions

Pearls and Dreams

New Years 2005
It's approaching quickly and of coarse, the subject of resolutions has come up. We discussed this at my small group Friday night and when it came around the table to me, I said that my resolutions are backwards ...

I spent years and years making resolutions that I could never ever live up to. I set goals and ideals so high that I'd never be able to reach them. Two weeks into the year, I'd have realized that once again, I failed miserably, which did nothing but confirm that I was a miserable excuse for a human being.

A few years ago, I changed my resolutions. I turned the tables upside down on myself. I decided that deciding that I was going to get down to my perfect weight, or stop biting my nails, that I was going to read 200 books, or whatever else the goal was ... was just setting myself up for failure and I was done tripping myself.

So ...
I set my New Years Resolutions in a new way ... and I will do this every year for the rest of my life.
I cannot fail at these.
I cannot help but to succeed.
I might not get as far as I'd like, but I will proceed ... and next year, I will be farther down my journey's path than I am today.

My resolutions?
I look at what my strengths are instead of weaknesses. I look deep inside ... and I find the area's that I excel at, and I promise to work at becoming superior. I look for the area's that I am very good at, and I work at becoming excellent. I look for the area's that I am good at, and I work at becoming very good. I will look for the area's that I am proficient in, and work at becoming good. I will look for the area's that I am learning about and work at becoming proficient.

With this step stone approach, the focus becomes on the positives in my life. With the focus on the positives, the negatives don't have the room to grow.

New Years Changes
by Peggikaye Eagler

We make the lists,
Of what we want to change,
Our faults we number,
Bad to mild, we cover the range.

We start out strong,
Our goal firmly set,
Determination our coarse,
Standing strong, we don't fret.

In our own strength,
We try to break our habits,
Holding our breath forever,
To win, we are desperate.

Would it not make sense,
To give to God our weaknesses?
Focus on our strength instead,
Saving us from our messes?

When looking at our strengths,
The good qualities to improve,
The bad things surrendered,
Up the ladder, we will move!

**************************************************************
END OF BLOGGER IDOL ENTRY
below was just a regular blog

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
So it's NOT diabetes ... but it is
Autoimmune Insulin Resistance ... or Insulin Resistance type B (not the kind that comes with PCOS or type 2 diabetes).

OK, I haven't really learned much about it yet
it puts me at high risk for heart attack, stroke, adult onset type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy (already have that)

causes

weight gain or inability to loose weight inspite of reduced caloric intake
high cholesterol inspite of dietary changes.


That's all the information the doc emailed me so far ..and that's all that I've found about it on line ... they treat it with diabetes medications.


My brain is having a hard time wrapping around this one ...
You read so much, hear so many docs on the morning news shows, Dr. Phil, experts on Oprah etc say that most people's obesity is related soley to their habits and that it is very rare to have a metabolic disorder that causes it.

I've been told by my nutritionist and eating disorder counselor and eating disorder psychiatrist that I'm doing everything right ...that the weight isn't coming off because of metabolism ... but I didn't believe them ... i mean ..all the experts that have written books say that it doesn't happen ... it's always your fault ..it's your behaviors, what you eat, what you don't exercise ..what you do ... what you don't do ...

but this test ...shows ... that my eating disorder treatment team is right

IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!

It's a fairly serious diagnosis from a physical standpoint, especially with lupus and MG already ...but from a psychological point of view ... it's probably a really good one.

I see the endocrinologist on February 7th, which sounded like a long time, but is really only 6 weeks out. I see my primary doc next week. I'm having an EMG on the 17 to find out how bad the peripheral neuropathy has gotten in my hands and feet. (I thought it was no big deal, the rheumatologist had specifically asked me about peripheral neuropathy and told me I HAD to tell my neuro, he got a bit alarmed). I see the ortho doc on the 12th to check my knee from when I fell on the 17th ...

Adding on ...
What is Insulin Resistance?Insulin resistance is a decreased ability to use insulin to transport glucose into the body’s cells where it is needed for energy production. The pancreas tries to compensate for the cells’ glucose deprivation by producing more insulin.
Insulin resistance is an impaired metabolic response to our body's own insulin so that active muscle cells cannot take up glucose as easily as they should. In that situation, the blood insulin levels are chronically higher which inhibits our fat cells from giving up their energy stores to let us lose weight.
**********************************************************

I still can't get over
It's not my fault.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Christmas at the Eagler's
by Peggikaye Eagler
Adapted from Twas the Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas Eve, when all through the house
Not a creature was sleeping, not even a mouse;
The stockings were slung at the chimney with dispair,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were jumping all over their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads;
And I in my 'kerchief, and Dad in his cap,
Had just sat down, many presents to wrap,

When in the kids bedroom there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter.
Through their door I had heard a loud crash!
Tore open the door, was it a head that was smashed?


The moon through the window, would it show?
What was the cause of the very loud blow?
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But two mischievous children a hold of each other's ear.

With a look that said, they better quiet down quick,
They knew in a moment, quiet better had stick!
More rapid than eagles my scoldings they came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, children! Now, sons! Now, brothers stop vexing!
Or I will be forced to treat you to a parental flexing!
To the top of the bed! and next to the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So I promised their presents would follow them too
If quiet would not very soon begin to ensue!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a the cry of a wolf,
The child was yelling it could be heard through the roof.
As I reached down and turned around,
The cat had jumped, it was in the lights bound.

She had stuff in her fur, from her head to her foot,
And her fur was all sticky with something like soot;
A bundle of toys she'd managed to find in the back,
And she looked like a thief who'd found the pack.

Her eyes -- how they twinkled! Her meow how merry!
Her paws had obviously been in the pie, cherry!
Her little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And her paws were red, instead of white as the snow;

The stump of a ribbon she held tight in her teeth,
And the tape encircled her head like a wreath;
She had tape on her face and a little round her belly,
That caused us to laugh like a bowl-full of jelly.

She was chubby and plump, like a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself;
I gave the cat a wink, and I twisted my head,
Told the kids "quiet, you'll have nothing to dread";

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
Picking up the room, then one kid said "you are a jerk",
The other kid answered laying his fist aside of his nose,
And once again the volume of fighting rose;

Dad sprang to their door and he gave a whistle,
And promised them he would sit them down on a thistle.
I heard him exclaim, to bed, get out of my sight,
"it's time for a
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!"

Blogger Idol

Travel ... As a rule, I don't like to travel. But there are a few things I would be willing to leave my hometown for. A meeting with Max Lucado. A trip to Yosemite National Park ... I grew up there, I miss it terribly. I would travel to meet certain friends ... my friend Kelly and Sam (girl) from high school. I would definitely travel to meet a couple of friends that I've met on line... Deneice (The Journey) and Erin & Erin, Wings in Canada ... a few others. All I can think of when I think of traveling is the discomfort ... the cramped space, the uncomfortable, unfamiliar bed, the whatever ... the change in routine. But ya know, there is a road that I'm traveling that's hard, and uncomfortable, but every day, I push on, and I climb higher, and deeper, and it becomes more difficult and more rewarding with each step. Growth. Growth as an adult ..the journey into adulthood ... a bit late for me to start, I'm already 40, but I waited till I was 36 to start. The eating disorder kept me in my tight little box, and kept me from looking out, taking up my suitcase, stepping out ... traveling the hard road of adult life. I'm doing it now, and there are days when I want to scream "BUT I NEVER AGREED TO TAKE THIS ROAD!!!!!!" Then there are days, when I see the rough road, I see the rocks, I see the dips, valleys and traps on the side, and I look at the surroundings ... I see the mountainous heights the road leads to, I see the trees that line the rocky road, I see the creek that God has provided for me to rest beside when the road gets just too rough. I see the rocks that try to block the path, and when I look closer, I see they are colors, of black, and browns of every tone, some gold ones, some red ones, grays of deep, light and almost white, and I see the beauty in the rocks, meant to trip, or so I thought ... and I realize, that I get stronger when I climb over them, they are there to help me get stronger, even if they are not placed there by the Creator ... He will use them to help me grow stronger. When I get tired, and the road seems dark, and desolate, I become afraid and terrified, but I'm looking down, and I see only the red dirt of the path, not the beauty of the road. When I look at the bigger picture ... I can see that while it may not be easy, it is beautiful, and worth the trip. Eventually, I will reach the summit, and when I am there, I will be able to look back at the beauty that was the struggle ... and rejoice in the traveled road.

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
Here is the quote for today: "It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

This week Top 5 Blogger Pics by me are ..and in no particular order ...
5. Sanity Optional (Blondzilla http://blondzila.blogspot.com/)

4. biscotti brain ... http://biscotti_brain.blogspot.com/2004/12/first-date.html

3. Tuneottv Braindownload ... http://tuneouttv.blogspot.com/

2. Lake Neuron ...
http://lakeneuron.com/blog/2004/12/first-dates.html

1. The LivingRoom (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL) http://www.livingroom.org.au/blog/archives/first_date.php

I'm never gonna learn!!!!!

Pearls and Dreams

Pastor Randy's sermon this morning reminded me of one of my favorite writings of Max Lucado. It not only is in his book "He Chose the Nails" but the segment is in my devotinal Bible ... So, Pastor Randy's wife, Carla, is sitting right behind me.
I hand her my Bible to read the page ... She leans forward ... "Will you read this? This is too perfect"

OK ... my brain keeps saying Carla is my friend, share things with Carla ... Carla is one of my people that I like to share things that God touches me with ...

BUT CARLA IS ALSO THE PASTOR'S WIFE AND WORSHIP PASTOR AND IF I SHARE THINGS WITH HER I WIND UP READING THEM IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

Geesh it's hard to be friends with Carla and stay in my nice neat quiet little hidden box!

LONG night

Pearls and Dreams

5:32 ... #6 that one sounded like it HURT, the rest, she just kind of whined with!
She was 5 lbs 13 oz before she got pregnant, 16 lbs 3 oz Thursday ... NO WONDER SHE WAS WADDLING!

KITTENS

Donut had finally decided to have her babies! Benjamin went to bed asking when she would finally have them, we said that we didn't know, we thought it should be before know, but obviously we'd added wrong, or had her last escape wrong. (I thought her last escape was on Samuel's birthday Oct 14 ... kitties pregnancies are typically 60 to 64 days ...the 18th is 64 days)
Shortly after midnight, I heard MEW ... MEW ... MEW ....

So far (1:44 am ... 3 kitties ... 1 gray tabby (Donut is black tabby) and 2 black black kitties. She stuck her head out from under the table once, and meowed at me rather pitifully, I didn't get up, then a few minutes later, she did it again, rather insistantly, So, I got down there, she was licking her 2, I noticed the third hanging from her, and I grabbed it, it was cold, and she pushed it away, then I put it back ..she pushed it away, so ... I remember a dog doing that when I was little and my parents putting the rejected dog in between 2 of the ones she'd accepted, and I tried that, it seems to have worked.
A bit ago, she looked at me again ... this time looked panicked and MEOWED loudly, so I got down there fast this time, she was biting on stripped something between her legs, by her tail, I went to help her pull it out ... it was her FOOT caught! I don't know if she didn't know it was her own paw, she was in a really weird position, and the kittens were nursing, I think maybe she was afraid to pull it out because she didn't know how to get it out without smashing her babies .

So then, about 10 min ago, she looks at me again, this time, not urgent, not desperate, just looks. I didn't get down (the up and down is hard for me!!!!! ... Did I tell you I fell today? .. skinned my knee in a 2'' diameter, and my knee is 1.5 inches bigger around than the other knee! So the getting down is really hurting!)
Anyway, she gave me this second look like "You know me looking at you means get down here, so DO IT!"
So ... I did it, just cause the last 2 times she really did need me and I really don't speak cat!
I get down there, stick my head under the table and she starts PURRING and sticks her nose on my nose! AWWWWWWW
(why couldn't she have had her kitties in the box like we've been trying to tell her for 3 weeks!!!!!!!!)
Anyway ... Benjamin is going to be thrilled with his 13th birthday present. I'm thrilled my kids won't miss out on the new born baby pet experience (before we get the cats spayed in February!) and in the meantime ... Donut is being such a good mommy!!!!!!!!

Oh, and yes, one of the black ones will be named Coffee!

More medical trauma ... will ED ever go away?

Pearls and Dreams

When will the ED monster ever tuck it's tail and run?

My doctor called. My blood sugar is high ...again. I have to go in for testing for diabetes. Tomorrow.

All I can think of is the required eating ...frequency, amount and that it's no longer a choice ...

And suddenly, I feel like a caged tiger.

Story poetry

Pearls and Dreams

The following story has not happened to me. But for some reason ... it haunts me ... is it prophetic? Will I come across this man? Is it symbolic? Do I ignore opportunities to share my Christ on a regular basis? What will I do when & if the opportunity presents?

A Chance to Obey
by Peggikaye Eagler

I went to the store, earlier today.
I was waiting for my things to pay.
I saw a man, all tattered and worn.
His clothes were dirty, his shirt was torn.

He stood there with his hat in his hand.
Patches showed he’d been all over the land.
A grubby beard in need of a shave.
He’d caught my eye and gave me a wave.

I quickly looked down at the things I’d bought.
Feeling guilty for having so much, I’d been caught!
I took my things and ran from the store,
After all, I’d worked hard, I deserved even more!

I went to bed with an uneasy feeling.
My dreams disturbed me, my spirit was reeling.
In my dreams that man, he’d invaded.
No matter what setting, he would not be evaded.

Never once did he put out his hand,
He did not seem to mind his pillow of sand.
He kept looking at me with questioning eyes.
He wasn’t looking at my house, car or pies.

His head it would bend off to one side.
His eyes seemed to say “what have you to hide?”
Suddenly a sadness came over him,
His expression went from curious to grim.

I peered even closer to get a better look
He held in his pocket a little black book.
He was not asking for my money to give.
But would I share my faith I say I live.

This book had some things he wanted to know
He was sure I could help him, the way I could show.
My savior was what he wanted from me.
To explain my Jesus to tell His story.



The morning sun rose like it always comes
I fixed my family breakfast, grapes and sticky buns.
I looked out the window and saw a dove.
I knew I had to share my Father’s love.

I dropped my kids off at their school.
I asked the Lord my heart today rule.
I drove back to the store, my heart in prayer.
“Lord, let me see him, help me really care!”

He was standing there, his hat in his hand.
The patches still showing he’d traveled this land.
I gave him some grapes and a sticky bun too
“I’d like to share my Jesus with you”

He listened intently then his head bowed.
My Jesus and Lord he’d accepted, he prayed out loud.
“Thank you for caring and sharing more than food,
I never thought God would take me ‘til I was good.”

He walked away from the store that day,
I knew poor or rich, he would be Okay.
I asked the Lord to forgive yesterdays askance.
And thanked Him for giving me the second chance.


© Peggikaye Eagler

First Date,

Servanthood

Pearls and Dreams

Your Servant
by Peggikaye Eagler

To do your work,
Is my desire,
To live my life,
In the Holy Ghost fire.

To walk and run,
To sit and stand,
Within Your love,
And the Body's Band.

To live eternally,
And walk in power.
Continually growing,
Until the final hour.

Doing your work,
Is my life's plan.
To lift up the Spirit,
Put down the old man

Peggikaye February 1982 ... school assignment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
by Peggikaye Eagler

I have only one thought,
One thought to occupy my mind,
To lift me up and brighten my day,
To help me through any trouble,
I have one thought,
Jesus Christ.

I have only one desire,
I want to lift up Jesus Christ,
I want to praise Him in all I do,
I want to love Him at all times,
I have only one desire,
To Glorify Him.

I have only one purpose,
I want to bring in people,
I want to show them God's love,
I want to show them true security,
I have one purpose,
To win the lost.

I have only one ability,
Without it, I can't do anything.
With it, I can do everything.
With it, I can work for Him.
I have one ability,
The Holy Ghost

I have only one motive,
Without it, I won't be effective,
Without it, I would be lost.
I'd have no where to run,
I have one motive,
The Love of God.

Peggikaye ...February 5, 1982 ..school assignment

My Top 5 Blogger Idol's

Pearls and Dreams

Blogger Idol top 5, and like most ... in no particular order ...


1. Cliff Between The Lines ... As always ... a favorite!

http://chursey.blogspot.com/2004/12/whats-important.html
2. Lake Neuron ... very very interesting. I like people who make me think!

http://lakeneuron.com/blog/2004/12/all-i-want-for-christmas.html
3. Sanity Optional ... very nice, selfless ... kind, sweet.

http://blondzila.blogspot.com/2004/12/what-i-want-for-christmas.html
4.M Squared T ... a man after my children's own heart!

http://msquaredt.blogspot.com/2004/12/blogger-idol-series-2-week-1-all-i.html
5. Writer's Edge ...thanks for the advice!

http://www.writers-edge.info/2004/12/blogger-idol.htm

All I Want For Christmas

Pearls and Dreams


Christmas Wish List
by Peggikaye Eagler

All I want for Christmas,
A phrase heard this time of year,
Most often brings a smile,
But sometimes, even a tear.

But what I want for Christmas,
Is more than anyone could give,
It's growth, change and challenge,
Stepping out of the box, in which I live.

Can what I want for Christmas,
Be found from within or without?
Through praise and prayer and study,
Grows faith, that pulls me through doubt.

Does what I want for Christmas,
Effect who I really strive to be?
Even in pain and suffering, joy,
Found in God's gift to me.

Even what I want for Christmas,
I find myself thinking aloud,
Fighting myself against change,
In Christ alone, I've reason to be proud.

For what I want for Christmas,
I know comes from the gift of God,
His forgiveness, and His Joy,
It's on His path, forever I'll trod!


This is a blogger idol post, I just can't figure out how to get the blogger idol link on my page!!!!!!!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

My Dad's Shadow
by Peggikaye Eagler

My dad had a shadow,
It followed him all year long,
During the winter, it would go behind,
And throw snow at his back,
During the spring, it would follow him,
Out to the garden to pick up the seeds,
He 'accidently' dropped.
In summertime it would follow him to work,
And make more messes.
In the fall it would go behind,
Jumping in the piles of leaves he had raked.
The one spring he turned around
No shadow could be found,
Only I was standing there,
With a grin on my face and some seeds,
in my hand,
For you see ... the shadow that my dad had,
Was not a shadow at all,
IT WAS ME!
© Peggikaye Eagler


© Peggikaye Eagler

This round is over, hopefully for life!

Pearls and Dreams
ok, it's a stage 1, which is good
normally they don't take biopsies from lymphnodes till advanced stage 2, but with the immunosuppression, they do it at stage 1

he has never seen it in a chemically, or genetically immunosuppressed person,

the only time he's seen it in the lymphnodes at stage 1 is in 2 aides paitents
BUT, theoretically, it's possible, so that's why they check
he said CDC does have cases of organ transplant patients with lymphnode involvement in stage 1,

he's never seen it

first he came at me with this funky round tube
then I heard an AWFUL SNAP
sounded like a huge staple gun (it was some machine that got the whole thing plus borders)

then he scraped with something

then he changed tools again,and I heard scraping again ...but
smelled flesh burning

I opened my eyes and saw SMOKE

he laughed and said "I said keep your eyes closed, that this is freaky!

I go back in on the 23rd for a topical chemotherapy treatment
and find out about the lymph tests
and then,
I'm done ...except for more frequent skin checks.
He says if Dr. M gets nervous about the Cellcept, he'll talk to him.

He says it's absolutely necessary I stay on the cellcept, there was evidence of lupus in some of the biopsies, so it IS in my skin, and since they don't want me on plaquenil or any other anti malarial, the Cellcept becomes absolutely necessary. He said at this point, Myers only has some control of meds, Love Dr. M, but he's so paranoid of cancer with immunosuppression!!!
end of story

Adding :
My biggest problem now, my nose hurts like the dickens!
He had me change the bandage this afternoon ... oh my GORSHGOLLYGEE that's UGLIER THAN SIN!!!

It's about as big around as a first grader's pencil eraser, and I don't know how deep, but you can see the indent through the bandage! It's BLACK from where he burned it! OH MY !

And I get keloid scars!
Sigh, better than the alternative huh?

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I copied this from Cliff Between the Lines, who got it from Sanity's Optional ...
I needed a distraction tonight. I'm not going to sleep wondering what's going to happen tomorrow, waiting to find out how bad cancer is, and what's coming? SUCKS. It could be serious, it could be 'hey, once it's gone, it's gone" Melanoma's run the gammet. It's a based on stage, and if it's in my lymphnodes or not ... waiting is not my strength, I can handle almost anything if I know what's going on.


100 Questions

Have You Ever:

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink: no

02. Swam with wild dolphins: No

03. Climbed a mountain: Yes, several, I grew up in Yosemite National Park (well, right outside of it, in Mariposa) then lived in Colorado, of coarse I've climed mountains!

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive: Nope.

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid: nope.

06. Held a tarantula: oh yea! We'd have a pet one, if we thought it could survive Benjamin. Well, once we got cats, the idea of a tarantula kind of didn't seem so smart.
I have weird tastes in pets ... my list of I wants:
Tarantula
Iguana
Turtle
Pirhanna's (plural) don't cringe! they have personalities! I had a friend that I rented a room from that had them, very very cool fish. Don won't let me have one though ... Benjamin likes to pet fish, he seems to think there might be a conflict there
I want a pot bellied pig.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone: Nope.

08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it: Yes.

09. Hugged a tree: Yep, In Yosemite as part of a girlscout picture.

10. Done a striptease: No!

11. Bungee jumped: ARE YOU NUTS??

12. Visited Paris: Nope. Only time I've left the US was for about 25 min, Windsor Canada, just acrossed the US border.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea: Uh, no, but I live in Oklahoma, I see LOTS of lightening storms up close and personal.

14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise: used to do it all the time. I worked graveyard shift as a waitress!

15. Seen the Northern Lights: No

16. Gone to a huge sports game:Let's see, California Angels, quite a bit when I was little, then got to go to a Yankee's game in NY, and the Philadelphia Phillies play the Huston Astro's in 1981, was on a trip with my high school to New Brunswick. If there hadn't been a major league strike that year, we would have seen the Kansas City Royals play too, but they went on strike before we left for home.


17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa: uh, no and you couldn't pay me to!


18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables: Yes. Does it count if it was your parents garden? My part was the radishes. No one was allowed to pick them without my express permission. I actually believed that my parents drove into town just to buy radishes because I was at a friends house and wasn't there to give permission to pick radishes LOL ... I'll have to post "My Dad's Shadow" poem, about my step dad and I and gardening

19. Touched an iceberg: nooooo

20. Slept under the stars: Yes frequently growing up!

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon: No :( .

22. Watched a meteor shower: Yep, lots of times.

23. Gotten drunk on champagne: nope

24. Given more than you can afford to charity: a few times, not as often as I'd like.

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope: yep, my little brother used to own one. Going to a planetarium was so much cooler though!

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment:yea, and it was frustrating. I lost a friend in the Oklahoma City Bombing. She had sang in a singing group with me, Proclamation. During her funeral, when someone was eulagizing her, someone said something that struck those of us that had sang with her as exceptionally funny. It was very very hard not to laugh, and we were giggling under our breaths, the harder we tried not to, the harder it was not to. But I think Trudy would have loved that.


27. Had a food fight: Don't like fights of any kind shape or form.

28. Bet on a winning horse: no

30. Called in sick when you were not ill: Yep, and went to the lake with a friend. I borrowed a swimsuit from her mom. The suit went down in back about 3 inches lower than any suit I'd had for 5 years. I had 3 layers of blisters on my back in that strip! (2 on the rest of my back). We'd spent 8 hours at the lake using baby oil. Val and I got soooo sick. Worst I was ever burned. THEN 2 days later, I woke up and all the skin had disappeard from my armpits. Turned out I'd gotten some kind of parasite in the lake that ate my skin! AWFUL ...fun day HEAVY consequences.


31. Asked out a stranger: nope

32. Had a snowball fight: well, yea!

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier: no way!


34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can: hmmmm a couple of times ... once it was for real, when I found my step dad's body when he committed suicide. The second time was in Drama class, I was improvising and I'd been told to act out a scene where I get a call that my dad has been killed in a car accident. The teacher didn't know my step dad had died just 2 years earlier. (we'd moved away by then, and were here in Oklahoma, she just knew I had a single mom) I think I had a flashback. I remember starting the scene, then teachers from surrounding classrooms busting in to see if everything was ok.

35. Held a lamb: Yep. We owned sheep for about 24 hours. We were supposed to raise them for 4H ... my sister and I took them out to feed them, they were following us, I stopped, they didn't, the sheep just kept walking right over me. We walked in and told our parents to get rid of them all ...sheep and lambs.

37. Taken a midnight skinny dip: No.

38. Taken an ice cold bath: Does bathing in a mountain river count?
.

39. Had a meaningful converation with a beggar: no, but I did have a dream about it, and wrote a poem about it.


40. Seen a total eclipse: Of the sun, yes when I was about 7. Of the moon, lots of times.

41. Ridden a roller coaster: Yes. Hated it more than I could ever even begin to express!

42. Hit a home run kick ball: nope, softball homeruns, not kickball.

43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days: LOL ... I was ADHD are you kidding? It was common!

44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking: uh, no, I'd always care!

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day: No but my son does frequently ..drives me insane! Does him tons of good in his drama class. At home? ARGH!


46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors: Well, let's see, Ireland ..no, Native American ... I'm here ... heinz 57 who knows?

47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment: Yes ... happens a lot, when my husband's not around.

48. Had two hard drives for your computer: hmmmm it's lucky i know what a harddrive is!

49. Visited all 50 states: No, all but 7 or 8, can't remember now.

50. Loved your job: well ... no, unless you count the volunteer job I do for my church. i love that.

51. Taken care of someone who was @##$ faced: Yea, once.

52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied: hmmm as a child. I don't have enough now, but ... I'm not pining over what I don't have.


53. Had amazing friends: yes, always,

54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country: nope

55. Watched wild whales: Does watching them in Star Trek count? (when they came back to present day? ok, so that was corney, sue me!)

56. Stolen a sign: nope

57. Backpacked in Europe: Nope, just in Yosemite and Colorado

58. Taken a road-trip: yes, ick, I hate traveling.

59. Rock climbing: yep! But again, back to my childhood.

60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice: nope

61. Midnight walk on the beach: probably not at midnight LOL I was a kid when i went to the ocean. After dark yes.

62. Sky diving: NOPE

63. Visited Ireland: no :( would love to. I'm Irish!
.

64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love: hmmm, does that mean longer than the relationship? It took a very long time for my heart to heal after my divorce.

65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them: Yes.

66. Visited Japan: No

67. Benchpressed your own weight: No.

68. Milked a cow: yep.

69. Alphabetized your cds: noooooo too ADHD for that.

70. Pretended to be a superhero: No

71. Sung karaoke: once! At a mother/daughter sleep over I took my neice to, a friend Cindy and I got roped into it. They took a picture of us, in our jammies, singing, and posted it in the church activity board for about 3 months!

72. Lounged around in bed all day: Lounged? No, been too sick to be anywhere else and thus spent the day there, yes.

73. Posed nude in front of strangers: NO

74. Scuba diving: Nope.

75. Got it on to "Let’s Get It On" by Marvin Gaye: No

76. Kissed in the rain: Yes.

77. Played in the mud: Made mud pies when I was 5.

78. Played in the rain: Frequently as a child, but we didn't have a bunch of lightening there.

79. Gone to a drive-in theater: Quite a bit as a teen. Last one though was ET

80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it: wow, that's a tough one. No, can't think of anything

81. Visited the Great Wall of China: No.

82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog: no, but I am not sure anyone but Cliff and Deniece are reading my blog

83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better: no

84. Started a business: no.

85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken: no .

86. Toured ancient sites: no

87. Taken a martial arts class: no

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman: ROFLMHO ... uh, NO

89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight: nope, never played it at all.
90. Gotten married:Twice, never again. Twice betrayed is more than enough.

91. Been in a movie: No

92. Crashed a party: Nope.

93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have: mmmm would you count my ex husband who shattered my heart after 4 months when he decided he was gay?

94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy: yea, the ex mentioned above, and visa versa ... frequently.


96. Had sex at the office: nope.

97. Gone without food for 5 days: yep. Eating disorders do that to a person.

98. Made cookies from scratch: Yes.

99. Won first prize in a costume contest: I was a chicken one year and a baby.

100. Ridden a gondola in Venice: No

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

I got a call from the doctor's office, the ones on my arms are fine. One was
pre cancerous, and they got the whole thing. The one on my nose is a
melanoma, and it did not have borders, meaning, the scraping of it to biopsy didn't
get the whole thing. I go in Friday to have the rest of it removed and some
healthy tissues around it and something about checking lymph nodes, although
the nurse didn't tell me how they do that.
She said that normally, they'd take it off today, but since I'm on
immunosuppression, they want it to heal from where they cut me last week before they
cut again so that it lessens the chance of infection.

I'm stunned, I was expecting pre cancerous, or normal. I was not really
prepared for this. I really didn't think it would happen. Also, with the news of
my cousin's acute leukemia yesterday, it's all just a bit much to take in. I
don't know how to tell my family that I have melanoma on my nose!
I dont' see how it could have gone very deep, because it's right on the
bridge of the nose, how can he go any deeper?

Anyway, I've got a rip roarin' headache, that wasn't doing well before the
doctor's office called and has gotten significantly worse since then.

Pearls and Dreams

double post

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams
I just got this email from my mom, forwarded to her from one of my cousins, it was from my Aunt (my uncle was my mom's brother and he died in 1978, we lost touch with Aunt Pat in 1980's)

I'm heart sick. I can't help from here. I can't donate because I'm too sick, not that Don would let me anyway ..coarse, I wouldn't let him stop me ...


Hi Tami- Just wanted to let you know that Ken is in Salem Hosp. He has acute Leukemia. He was not feeling very good and he had a girlfriend he was going to marry and so they did last Tues. On Wed he got sicker and went to the Hosp. They called him back after he got home and told him he had it and admitted him. He has already had a bone marrow test, surgery to put a shunt in to get his kemo, and two blood tranfusions. He will be there for quite awile. Dennis or Kathy may have to be tested to see if they can give him some good bone marrow and if so that will be done in Portland. We don't know yet. They will try the Kemo and tranfussions first. By the way the girl he married is really nice and her name is Michelle too, That gives me 2 daughter-in-laws with that name. Funny huh? She has a 10 yr. old daughter named Kellie too. She is a business manager at GMAC and seems to be on top of things there. He can't have too many visitors because they are afraid he will get something from them and get even sicker. I have a bad cold so couldn't go if I wanted. Please say alot of prayers and let the others know for me. Love Ya, Aunt Pat

One protects his dream, One just begins to dare to dream hers ...

Pearls and Dreams

Today, I had the pleasure of having lunch with my pastor, his 2 daughters (his 15 year old has down's syndrome) and 2 other couples from church and a gentleman from India. His father was the founder of a Bible College there, and KV lived here in Oklahoma when his Father died, and he, being the oldest, had to go home to India to take over the College.

I felt so sorry for KV, he was distracted, and you could tell, that while he'd torn his heart to go home however many years ago it was ... the only place on earth he wanted to be today ..was in India. See, there is a group of people, did not quite understand who, through the accent, are standing, literally right outside the college, with bull dozers and wrecking balls, the college is being demanded to pay $50,000 or it will be torn down. The college was paid off years ago, and they do not owe such a debt, but the people in charge, do not care, and they expect Christians to follow the Bible and 'Turn the other Cheek'.
The only reason the bull dozers have not plowed through ... is because it is full of people ..gathered in prayer, they cannot leave the property to go home, to get food, to get drinks, to change clothes, to clean up, they cannot leave, or the buildings will be demolished. So they stay. So they pray.

KV spoke today, he was scheduled to speak on sharing Joy around the world, and yet, his heart was breaking. Our pastor asked that we gather around him and pray, very few adults went forward ... because our youth group, jumped up and gathered around him 9 kids deep before any adults had the chance to. Everyone of us, who has a teen in the youth group, were rather humbled by the eagerness in which our children jumped up to pray for this man with the thick accent, from a foreign country, talking about things they could not relate to. Pray they did. It was a very sweet moment in our church!

Lunch time, we got to hear more of the story, and see more of this Godly man's inner strength, and joy up close. His brother, Abraham, sitting quietly next to him, smiling, yet obviously, not here ... he was obviously in prayer, how I know, I'm not sure .. it just was so apparent even though I never saw his mouth move, or heard a sound. Even my 12 year old son asked me if Abraham had been praying through lunch. But then again, Benjamin is quite the little prayer warrior, so, maybe the kindred spirit of the two touched hearts. Abraham told Benjamin when we left ... keep gentle, keep praying and keep smiling. He needed to hear that as he enters adolescence!

I got to talk to one of my favorite little girls at church, my pastor's daughter. I have 2 favorites, one is one of my best friends little girl, Jessi, and the other is my pastor's younger daughter. She's been my doll since she was 3. She's now 10 and in the 3rd grade. She talked about school and how she wants to be a textile designer when she grows up. She asked me if I thought she'd still want to be that when she grows up because she really hopes so, I told her that when I was in 4th grade, I wanted to write for Jesus, and that's what I'm doing. So yes, it is possible to know at her age what you want to do. When I was her age, I wanted to write and to be a doctor. The doctor would have been cool, and I probably would have pursued that, had I not had to take algebra!

Pearls and Dreams

Pearls and Dreams

Today is my 17th anniversary. It has been a miserable day. I didn't really expect any less, but still, that really is beside the point.

Don came to bed at 3:10 am (normal time for him to come to bed, doesn't normally bother me, but he normally doesn't wake me up, and even if he does, I just go right back to sleep) but this time, he had to make a point of saying "Happy Anniversary" which was enough to actually WAKE me up. Which was enough to make it quite impossible to for me to go back to sleep. Too late for me to take medication for me to go back to sleep, since I had an 8 am doctor appointment, and since I do not sleep without artificial help ..well, I was awake, for the day.

About 4:30, I finally got tired of tossing and turning and staying in bed was more painful than getting up would be, so I got up.

I went to my doctor's appointment, which took significantly longer than what I'd expected to. I had to go to the dermatologist, expected my typical annual check of my sunworshippers moles and sent on my way, possibly rescheduled to have a removal of one or two, but no, the doctor insisted on removing FOUR right then and there. In the 8 years I've gone to him, he's never removed anything THAT day, and certainlly never removed something on a 'non proceedure day'. So I was a bit in shock, not to mention sore when I got home.

My husband wanted me to go out for coffee with him, when I said "Why?" he said "because it's our anniversary" and I said but I'm tired and I wanted to rest, he said "well, if you don't go now, then we're not going out to dinner later"
Ok, that makes sense, I have to go out now, so then I won't have the strength or energy to go out later (to which he'd be severely offended over trust me!)

He makes these rude, off the cuff smart elic remarks all the time, and doesn't mean them. When he came home from going out for coffee, he did some laundry, so I assumed he'd 'gotten over it' and was washing clothes so that he'd have some for going out for dinner.

I make dinner for the kids, and go in and tell him it's getting late what time does he want to get up to go for dinner and he says "I told you about that Peggi"
FINE.