Originally posted August 30, 2007 .
.. Bold is today's answers
One word.
No explanations.
1. Yourself: growing Growing
2. Your spouse: MINE Precious
3. Your hair: thin thin
4. Your mother: sigh SIGH
5. Your father: no comment No Comment
6. Your favorite item: elephant collection Degrees (well -- 1 Associates and 1 BA in 10 weeks 6 days and 25 minutes)
7. Your dream last night: nightmare none
8. Your favorite drink: coffee coffee
9. Your dream car: Bug Bug
10. The room you are in: kitchen kitchen
11. Your ex: forgiven ill :(
12. Your fear: won't say proven wrong
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Christlike Christlike
14. Who you hung out with last night: family family
15. What you're not: brave timid
16. Muffins: none lemon
17: One of your wish list items: Books! JOB
18: Time: Private Yoga
19. The last thing you did: searched homework
20. What you are wearing: pajamas pajama's
21. Your favorite weather: cool moderate
22. Your favorite book: Little Women Little Women
23. The last thing you ate: Chocolate Milk Hamburger
24. Your life: Interesting Interesting
25. Your mood: anxious calm
26. Your best friend: BRAVE Wonderful
27. What you're thinking about right now: Friendship Time
28. Your car: Contour Taurus
29. What you are doing at the moment: fidgeting typing
30. Your summer: busy working?
31. Your relationship status: MARRIED Married
32. What is on your TV: PBS Who's the Boss
33. What is the weather like: HOT COLD
34. When was the last time you laughed: 2 weeks ago Today
Hat tip to Biscotti's Brain ..this one, was just too interesting to pass up. I didn't do a good job of sticking to the one word ..but ... I've never followed directions well ;)
Posted by Dreaming again at 2:27 AM
Labels: Meme's
And that is me today ... February 26, 2013 ...
Dr. Suess
"And will you succeed? Yes indeed! Yes indeed! Ninety Eight and Three Quarters guarenteed!"
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Testing
I'd had trouble posting on my blog and went to Wordpress .. and haven't done much posting over there either. I'm checking to see if I can post here or not. I'm still more fond of this blog ...
The widgit counter at the top is sadly inaccurate ... I did not graduate in December .. I graduate May 13 ...
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Bend but not break
Isaiah 42:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
A blog friend posted a picture today, of rushing waters and lillies that normally stand strong, flattened in the rushing water. I immediately thought of the above verse.
There have been many times when I felt like I was drowning:
drowning in fear
drowning in nightmares
drowning in pain
drowning in confusion
drowning in poverty
drowning in fatigue
The fires burned oh so hot
as the questions for the future encroached on my every waking, and sometimes sleeping moments
my future
my son's future
my husband's future
There were days when I literally
could not lift the fork of food to my mouth
could not chew the scrambled eggs
could not hold my sons 4 oz bottle (of formula, because I was not strong enough to hold him to breast feed him)
could not dress myself
could not get my son into the program he so desperately needed
could not see how things could change
The realities of life seemed to be too big as
the roof didn't just leak, it poured
the doctors gave me one more
diagnosis
medication
prognosis
the teachers gave me one more note saying
he's failing
he's struggling
he's loosing
The bills piled higher
The budget got cut
No way out, no way in .. not way around it ...
and yet ..
The roof did not get fixed ..
we got a house through Habitat
The education did not get given
My son is a good guy, lots of character in
personality and
ethics
The body did not heal
But it did improve
My husbands did not die
The sun came out and a future was revealed
And when it comes right down to it .. I know that every last minute of every fear, depression, discouragement .. I knew that God was with me, holding me, knowing that the sun was coming out and I'd stand again ..
I was bent, and I was covered in water ..but I did not break. My roots learned that there are hard times and they planted just a bit deeper so the next time .. I'd have a better chance of standing strong.
It's funny how hindsight gives us that, but I can see each trial, each struggle, each chaotic situation left me slightly better able to handle the next ...
this is Lupus awareness month ..and I thought about writing about how lupus has effected me and inside I was fighting that .. i did not want to write about how it has effected me and seeing that picture .. I realized
I wanted to write about how lupus did not break me.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Perspective
A few nights ago, I was unable to sleep. That, in and of itself is not uncommon at all. I was trying to figure out in my mind what my next steps in school should be. I started to think of all the classes I've had to repeat ...
those from when I went to school when I was too sick to be there and now i needed to repair my GPA
Speech
Developmental Psych
Humanities 2
Computer concepts
Those that I had to repeat because of my math issues
Beginning algebra
Intermediate algebra
Intermediate algebra
And those that I had to repeat because NSU told me to take classes at TCC and then did not allow the credits to transfer ..but they were still required.
Child Psych
Personality Theories
and all the extra time that it took and realized
if not for all the repeating ..
I'd be graduating in a month.
Wow, I've got 3 semesters to go but I theoretically *could* be graduating this semester if not for the time taken up taking these classes (let's not even start to talk about the money!)
Benjamin walked into my room and saw my face and asked what was wrong and I told him.
He quietly said
"yeah, and if my IEP had been followed and if I hadn't repeated any classes, I'd be graduating in a month too"
ouch
he's not said anything about not being in school, not being able to finish, but obviously it is bothering him.
And really ..what is 3 semesters? it's time, it's money and I'll be a year and a half older than planned when I finally get through, but the truth is, in a year and a half I'll still be 48 no matter if I'm working on my masters or finishing my bachelors ..and those 3 semesters won't prevent me from getting my masters and they very well may have me better prepared for my masters.
But my son? his lost opportunities? those will be much harder to bounce back from.
That is the true frustration.
those from when I went to school when I was too sick to be there and now i needed to repair my GPA
Speech
Developmental Psych
Humanities 2
Computer concepts
Those that I had to repeat because of my math issues
Beginning algebra
Intermediate algebra
Intermediate algebra
And those that I had to repeat because NSU told me to take classes at TCC and then did not allow the credits to transfer ..but they were still required.
Child Psych
Personality Theories
and all the extra time that it took and realized
if not for all the repeating ..
I'd be graduating in a month.
Wow, I've got 3 semesters to go but I theoretically *could* be graduating this semester if not for the time taken up taking these classes (let's not even start to talk about the money!)
Benjamin walked into my room and saw my face and asked what was wrong and I told him.
He quietly said
"yeah, and if my IEP had been followed and if I hadn't repeated any classes, I'd be graduating in a month too"
ouch
he's not said anything about not being in school, not being able to finish, but obviously it is bothering him.
And really ..what is 3 semesters? it's time, it's money and I'll be a year and a half older than planned when I finally get through, but the truth is, in a year and a half I'll still be 48 no matter if I'm working on my masters or finishing my bachelors ..and those 3 semesters won't prevent me from getting my masters and they very well may have me better prepared for my masters.
But my son? his lost opportunities? those will be much harder to bounce back from.
That is the true frustration.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Video .. Just Showed Up for My own Life
By Sara Groves and Joel Hanson Back to Album
Back to Lyrics Menu
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Back to Lyrics Menu
Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real
And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Self Hatred and refomatting the brain
You're ugly.
You're stupid.
You're not liked.
You're immature.
You're a crybaby.
You're lazy.
You're in the way.
You're worthless.
You're boring.
You're a failure.
These are things that come to mind when I look in the mirror or think about myself.
They have permeated my life and the way I interact with the world.
They make me keep people at arms distance ... the fear that if they knew who I really was (which is the list above) then they would not only not like me, but be disgusted by me.
In the last several years I've been on a journey to change the way I live on this planet.
Somewhere on this journey I became aware of the fact that my filter that I see myself through is skewed.
While I'd never pretend that everyone loves me (I can list several who barely tolerate me off the top of my head and a few who outright dislike me) by and large, I have a lot of friends. I have people who tell me they respect me and love me.
I realized at some point that maybe rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to take a look through the filters that others see me.
I worked at that for a long time with some success, but limited.
Recently, I've taken to reformatting my brain ...through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and education.
This has caused me to exam my thoughts and compare them to the facts.
Some of these thoughts, I can't quite get around ... but some ...some I can truly defend to my innerself as being invalid.
You're stupid: You were in California's MGM program (mentally gifted minors ..is that not the most pretentious name for a program EVER?) You graduated with a high GPA. You interact with relative ease with those who society sees as intellectuals. You have gone back to school and maintained a 4.0 in credited classes.
You're not liked: You have too many friends for this to be true.
You're a crybaby: You can't even name the last time you truly cried.
You're lazy.You have worked with church ministries, you have raised 2 challenging children, been married for 23 years while combatting chronic illness, pain, a frustrating educational system. You are going to school full time and doing quite well.
You're worthless. You have friends who value you, who respect you. You have children who respect you and value your presence in their lives.
You're a failure. Your GPA is a 4.0 upon returning to school. You returned with a 2.1 GPA and have, through your 4.0 brought the cumulative GPA to 5.431. You are a member of Phi Theta Kappa, an officer in the regional alumni association. You are on track for being a member of Psi Chi. You have done all this inspite of MG, inspite of lupus, inspite of having family responsibilities.
In looking at those, it becomes glaringly clear ... self hatred has no true role in my life except to hold me down
keep me back
prevent me from living a full
fulfilling
enjoyable
and
delighted life.
re forming the way I think and looking at truths rather than thoughts is going to be necessary to combat the self hatred I've lived with for so long.
You're stupid.
You're not liked.
You're immature.
You're a crybaby.
You're lazy.
You're in the way.
You're worthless.
You're boring.
You're a failure.
These are things that come to mind when I look in the mirror or think about myself.
They have permeated my life and the way I interact with the world.
They make me keep people at arms distance ... the fear that if they knew who I really was (which is the list above) then they would not only not like me, but be disgusted by me.
In the last several years I've been on a journey to change the way I live on this planet.
Somewhere on this journey I became aware of the fact that my filter that I see myself through is skewed.
While I'd never pretend that everyone loves me (I can list several who barely tolerate me off the top of my head and a few who outright dislike me) by and large, I have a lot of friends. I have people who tell me they respect me and love me.
I realized at some point that maybe rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop I needed to take a look through the filters that others see me.
I worked at that for a long time with some success, but limited.
Recently, I've taken to reformatting my brain ...through prayer, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and education.
This has caused me to exam my thoughts and compare them to the facts.
Some of these thoughts, I can't quite get around ... but some ...some I can truly defend to my innerself as being invalid.
You're stupid: You were in California's MGM program (mentally gifted minors ..is that not the most pretentious name for a program EVER?) You graduated with a high GPA. You interact with relative ease with those who society sees as intellectuals. You have gone back to school and maintained a 4.0 in credited classes.
You're not liked: You have too many friends for this to be true.
You're a crybaby: You can't even name the last time you truly cried.
You're lazy.You have worked with church ministries, you have raised 2 challenging children, been married for 23 years while combatting chronic illness, pain, a frustrating educational system. You are going to school full time and doing quite well.
You're worthless. You have friends who value you, who respect you. You have children who respect you and value your presence in their lives.
You're a failure. Your GPA is a 4.0 upon returning to school. You returned with a 2.1 GPA and have, through your 4.0 brought the cumulative GPA to 5.431. You are a member of Phi Theta Kappa, an officer in the regional alumni association. You are on track for being a member of Psi Chi. You have done all this inspite of MG, inspite of lupus, inspite of having family responsibilities.
In looking at those, it becomes glaringly clear ... self hatred has no true role in my life except to hold me down
keep me back
prevent me from living a full
fulfilling
enjoyable
and
delighted life.
re forming the way I think and looking at truths rather than thoughts is going to be necessary to combat the self hatred I've lived with for so long.
Monday, March 07, 2011
If Only In My Dreams
I was asked today if I was able to have my dream job as a psychologist,what would it look like.
In 1972 two mothers, armed only with a dream and a passion and a raised $3000 opened school for their special needs children. The Little Light House was born out of a desperate need to fill a void that was dark and deep.
We had the privilege of being associated with the program while Benjamin was in kindergarten. That year remains in my heart as an oasis in a very dry, arid and frightenly vicious desert. Benjamin had a loving teacher, physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy. For 1 very blessed school year, we got to take our son to school and did not have to cart him back and forth to 3 differnt types of therapy ... PT once a week, speech twice a week and OT three times a week .. from the age of 9 months till 11 years old ... except the year he spent at The Little Light House. We got a desperately needed break.
Not only that, but we, as parents were loved and encouraged.
If I were to dare to dream ... this is what my dream job as a psychologist would look like. The desire, the dream, the drive coming from much the same place as the founders of The Little Light House.
If I had my dream job:
I would have a place that housed
Physical Therapists
Occupational Therapists
Speech Therapists
Pediatric developmental specialist
Pediatric neuro
Pediatric psychiatrist
Pediatric Gastroenterologist
Pediatric orthopedist
Pediatric pulmonologist
Pediatric endocrinologist
Pediatric rheumatologist
Developmental Psychologists
Child Psychologists
Child Life Specialist
I would like there to be a small 'drop off'style day care where parents could drop the siblings of their child that is there to be seen, so they didn't have to bring them along to the appointment as an added distraction, hire a baby sitter or enlist family to help.
They would come in as a family, be serviced as a family and supported as a family.
A place where if an evaluation was done and it was decided that the child needed a certain specialist, they would be there, in that building, an appointment could be made.
You might be saying right now "That sounds like many children's hospitals all over america ... yes, probably so, but with one major difference: The family dynamic would be the focus.
The child's developmental needs taken into consideration, referrals would be primarily in house, saving on time, paperwork, lost communication and stress.
Therapies could be coordinated, treatments would be coordinated and the parents would be fully supported.
The child would get the developmental, physical and behavioral support needed. The focus would be on 'no ceiling' for the child, reach for the stars ...
The parents would be given the kindness, and support that is so often missing in the desert that is special needs. They would be given the tools they needed to feel like a competent parent. They'd be given time to enjoy their child .. to truly enjoy and laugh with their child.
If there was a school battle,we'd be able to help them. They'd be given the chance to form a stronger family unit. They'd be shown and told what they are doing RIGHT instead of the constant "you need to do this"
A fully integrated Clinic, prepared to fully deal with the dynamic that the child's special needs bring.
I am not a ground breaker, the chances are I will wind up at our already established Children's Hospital, I will work within an already functioning system ..
but ... if I had my dream job ... it would be one that helped the child reach for the stars and we'd celebrate with the whole family when the child does lasso their star!
In 1972 two mothers, armed only with a dream and a passion and a raised $3000 opened school for their special needs children. The Little Light House was born out of a desperate need to fill a void that was dark and deep.
We had the privilege of being associated with the program while Benjamin was in kindergarten. That year remains in my heart as an oasis in a very dry, arid and frightenly vicious desert. Benjamin had a loving teacher, physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy. For 1 very blessed school year, we got to take our son to school and did not have to cart him back and forth to 3 differnt types of therapy ... PT once a week, speech twice a week and OT three times a week .. from the age of 9 months till 11 years old ... except the year he spent at The Little Light House. We got a desperately needed break.
Not only that, but we, as parents were loved and encouraged.
If I were to dare to dream ... this is what my dream job as a psychologist would look like. The desire, the dream, the drive coming from much the same place as the founders of The Little Light House.
If I had my dream job:
I would have a place that housed
Physical Therapists
Occupational Therapists
Speech Therapists
Pediatric developmental specialist
Pediatric neuro
Pediatric psychiatrist
Pediatric Gastroenterologist
Pediatric orthopedist
Pediatric pulmonologist
Pediatric endocrinologist
Pediatric rheumatologist
Developmental Psychologists
Child Psychologists
Child Life Specialist
I would like there to be a small 'drop off'style day care where parents could drop the siblings of their child that is there to be seen, so they didn't have to bring them along to the appointment as an added distraction, hire a baby sitter or enlist family to help.
They would come in as a family, be serviced as a family and supported as a family.
A place where if an evaluation was done and it was decided that the child needed a certain specialist, they would be there, in that building, an appointment could be made.
You might be saying right now "That sounds like many children's hospitals all over america ... yes, probably so, but with one major difference: The family dynamic would be the focus.
The child's developmental needs taken into consideration, referrals would be primarily in house, saving on time, paperwork, lost communication and stress.
Therapies could be coordinated, treatments would be coordinated and the parents would be fully supported.
The child would get the developmental, physical and behavioral support needed. The focus would be on 'no ceiling' for the child, reach for the stars ...
The parents would be given the kindness, and support that is so often missing in the desert that is special needs. They would be given the tools they needed to feel like a competent parent. They'd be given time to enjoy their child .. to truly enjoy and laugh with their child.
If there was a school battle,we'd be able to help them. They'd be given the chance to form a stronger family unit. They'd be shown and told what they are doing RIGHT instead of the constant "you need to do this"
A fully integrated Clinic, prepared to fully deal with the dynamic that the child's special needs bring.
I am not a ground breaker, the chances are I will wind up at our already established Children's Hospital, I will work within an already functioning system ..
but ... if I had my dream job ... it would be one that helped the child reach for the stars and we'd celebrate with the whole family when the child does lasso their star!
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